Girls

Baby.

Coffee.

Hot coffee. Come on.

Wake up, okay?

We got to go get Jessa.

- Adam? - Yes?

We have to go and get Jessa.

She's not done with rehab.

Yeah, well, we have to pick up Shoshanna,

we have to rent a car, which I can't do because I'm 24 years old,

so it's time to wake up.

Do you hear me?

Come on.

It's not fun for me.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

Are you okay?

It doesn't even make sense.

I sound just like him.

I hope Jessa's at least, like, appreciative.

She should be.

We are really giving of ourselves,

being, like, models of female friendship.

And giving up so much valuable writing time all for her good.

This isn't for my health.

That's bullshit.

- Excuse me? - You're not doing her any good by taking her out of rehab.

But she said it was time for her to go.

Oh, wow. When was the last time an addict lied?

Oh, my God, that's so true.

They totally lie.

My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry red bull,

and she always tells me that she hasn't had one,

but she tells me, like, with a blue tongue.

I just don't really think you understand the nature of female friendship.

You're right, I don't. And I don't want to

if it involves ignoring all logic and being totally hysterical.

Well, you're not really there for your friends in any way.

I mean, come to think of it, like when Chad busted open his knee...

I couldn't get involved because it was under

very illegal and illicit circumstances.

- Okay. - I mean, Adam was there for you

when you went totally batshit insane

and decided to cut your hair like a little boy on a fancy cookie box.

I just think that women get stuck in this, like,

vortex of guilt and jealousy with each other

that keep them from seeing situations clearly.

"Women get stuck"?

Okay, now you sound like one of those guys

who thinks a woman should never be president

because her menstruation will cloud her judgment.

But they shouldn't, like, be president

because it could... Their... their judgment.

Okay, well, Jessa wants to leave.

Well, you can't always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes,

you just might find you...

...Get what you need.

What's funny?

I thought you'd gone already.

I was thrown in a room without any human contact...

No food, no water... For hours.

Why didn't you come rescue me?

Role-playing is not my forte, my love.

I was in fucking solitary.

But they can't outsmart me. There was no lock on the door.

Stupid fucks.

But truth be told, I'd sort of like to be in jail for a day, you know?

It's this feeling you really can't simulate.

Poor thing.

You're too young to understand

which thoughts are useless to you.

All right.

When you're older, your mind learns

to let go of things that don't suit you.

You start to live with the same ignorance as the very young.

Of course, being young is terrifying as well.

You have all of the knowledge, but none of the language

to dissuade yourself from the horrible truths of the world.

- Mm-hmm. - I feel the utmost sympathy for my daughter.

I did everything I could to make the world

a less gargantuan place for her.

You don't even talk to her.

That's just one of the ways that I protect her.

That makes sense.

What's your favorite utensil?

Um...

My favorite utensil is...

I never thought about it.

Wait, seriously? That's, like, insane.

Like, what if you had to pick?

I guess a fork.

Okay, that is crazy.

Like, why would you want cold metal prongs stabbing you in the tongue

when instead you could have your food delivered into your mouth

on, like, a cool, soft, pillowy cloud?

What did you just say?

How was it?

It was fine. I saw some raggedy Ann dolls.

So, what do you want to eat?

Uh, what are you guys getting?

Biscuits and gravy and chicken fried steak.

Well, they don't list their calories here,

so, a, I'm not eating, and, b, that is illegal.

I'm really, really not hungry,

so maybe you can just order me pancakes and Turkey bacon.

And then I guess if they don't have Turkey bacon,

I'll have regular bacon and a milk shake. Thank you.

- Where are you going? - To pee.

I highly doubt they have Turkey bacon.

If they have Turkey bacon, I would be shocked.

Holla, koala.

Hey.

Mom, don't you think that's a bit much?

This place smells like kimchi.

Yeah, well, now it smells like a sephora.

Well, what would you rather have, kimchi or a sephora?

Yo, where you at? You wanna come see my new place?

My mom is here and she's helping me a ton.

Oh, my God, I would love to, but I'm actually, um...

I am up in Woodstock with Adam 'cause we're doing this, like, couples getaway

to just, you know, relax and recharge.

Charlie and I used to do stuff like that all the time.

Do not utter his name. Just saying his name gives him power.

I'm picking Jessa up from rehab.

All of us are, Adam and Shoshanna and me.

Wait, so you lied to me?

For one second.

- Give me the phone. - I lied to you one second ago for a second

and then I took it back a second later. That doesn't even count.

Yeah, but you were gonna lie to me.

What, you don't think I can handle it, Hannah?

That's not it.

By the way, why are you even picking Jessa up?

Doesn't she have, like, a magic carpet?

Uh, just 'cause that's the rules of rehab.

She needs somebody to sign a paper for her so she can go.

Well, since when does Jessa follow the rules?

And by the way, since when is Jessa even a drug addict?

She's, like, a life addict.

I gotta be honest. I'm feeling pretty left out right now.

Oh, I hate that, baby. Oh.

Am I on speakerphone?

- No. - Hi, Hannah. How are you?

Hi, evie. How's it going?

Marnie, are you saying you actually would have wanted to come?

Oh, my God, no. Of course not.

I just didn't want anyone to go.

Okay, that makes sense.

You know what? You guys need to work this out.

And, Hannah, you got to come over and see Marnie's new shitbox.

Mom.

I'm, like, unrelentingly itchy. Is that a road trip thing?

What do you have the rocking chair for?

Uh, I wasn't hungry, so I bought a souvenir.

It's a rustic souvenir. It was, like, $14.

My friend zeva has always wanted one.

She is going to freak when she sees that I have one.

Do you think the donut's gonna help my nausea

or do you think it's gonna hurt it?

I had to take my seat belt off.

It smells like straight ketchup.

I'm so bored. Are you guys so bored?

Boredom is bullshit.

Boredom is for lazy people who have no imagination.

I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween.

I hate Halloween.

This road trip is just so unremarkable.

You know what I mean? It's just so similar to other road trips

that I've seen in, I don't know, various media.

It's like a don henley song.

What were you expecting?

Something I could write about in my book.

I mean, we're picking our friend up from rehab

and I just thought there'd be something I could write about in my book.

That seems like a very rich area,

but I'm just realizing that this road trip is not a metaphor.

It just isn't.

And this rocking chair is so pointy.

It's not giving me any room to express myself.

My head's caught.

- Can you turn the TV off? - What?

Oh, me?

Oh, yeah, no, it's fine.

I've totally seen this one a bunch anyways.

Can you shut your computer down now, please?

What?

Can you shut your computer down now, please?

I'm trying to finish five pages today

so I can stay on schedule for my publisher, okay?

You're always typing on your computer.

Yeah, that's 'cause this trip is kind of a kink in my schedule

- and I need... - Do you guys want to play truth or dare?

- How do you play? - Um...

You've never played truth or dare?

Well, I'm aware that there's a game that's called that.

Truth or dare is one of the most fun games in the world.

And it's the game that teaches children how to behave like adults.

- Okay. - I was playing truth or dare the first time I got fingered.

Okay, do not, like, share a bunch of really good truths

before we even start the game.