Teachers

And that's why you should never have sex

at a renaissance faire.

- Hey. - What's up?

I'm struggling to get through to this girl

in my class, Camille.

She's painfully shy.

I'm not surprised.

I just read this great article on Jezebel

about how women are constantly being silenced and...

Shh! She's just shy. She's not oppressed.

I was like that until I first stumbled into an AOL chat room.

That's where I discovered my anger...

and my sexuality.

Hey!

I see y'all got my tweet.

- Yeah. Very classy, Chelsea. - What?

The word you used?

In this context, it means friends.

"See you at Fitzpatrick's. TGIF, twats."

Yeah, friends.

You know what it usually means?

Butthole.

Wrong side, genius.

That would be a "balloon knot" or a "stink star."

"Chocolate starfish."

Or "rusty bullet hole."

Whatever. It's just a tweet. It's not a big deal.

You're suspended.

What? Why?

Does this tweet look familiar?

You follow me on Twitter?

Principal Pearson?

I'm here as Ms. Snap's union rep.

This meeting does not take place without me in attendance.

Great! I was hoping this would take twice as long.

Ms. Snap, I've spent my morning fielding phone calls

from angry parents.

How many? Did they retweet it?

Oh, my God. Did I go viral?

This is nothing to be proud of.

That tweet was totally inappropriate.

That's why I'm suspending you. - What?

You can't hold her accountable

for what she does outside of school.

Actually, I can.

Oh, my God, I have 41 followers now.

You know she can't use that word.

What word?

It means...

What?

Vagina.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

- Vagina. - Oh.

Hmm.

In the context it was used, it meant friend.

Ms. Snap is my twat.

I don't care!

Ms. Snap, you're suspended for three days.

- This is an outrage! - I know.

You're doing the right thing.

This poor kid has no confidence.

Usually society waits until puberty

to make girls an insecure mess.

Let me talk to her.

I'm the "Shy Kid Whisperer."

'Sup, girlfriend?

You like rap?

John Waters films?

Okay. How about a story?

Let me tell you a story about a shy little otter

her freshman year of college.

One night, she went to a Phish concert

but was too shy to talk to anyone else.

But then, a friendly otter offered her a courage brownie.

After one bite, she started talking to other people.

After two bites, she started singing.

After three bites, she was riding on top

of shirtless boy otters' shoulders,

wearing nothing but her smile and a glow-stick tiara.

She woke up with her new otter friends

in a cool van with curtains

and a tattoo she didn't even have to pay for.

And all it took was a little bit of courage

for her to find her voice.

The end.

Thanks.

Consider her whispered.

Pearson can't hold us accountable

for our actions outside of school.

We will not be silenced, and we can't...

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Yes, I would like to hear more about the Wine Country

getaway package.

You guys, think about it.

If this could happen to Chelsea, it could happen to any of us.

No, because we're not idiots,

and we actually think before we act.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, Chelsea's my best friend in the whole world,

but it's the T word.

This is why you have to be very careful on social media.

One time, I tweeted that I love the Olive Garden,

and now my Italian friends won't talk to me.

Ms. Snap, you should have vacated the premises

30 minutes ago.

I'm on the phone.

Principal Pearson,

in support of our sister Chelsea's right

to a life outside of school,

I have decided to be the Rosa Parks

of Fillmore Elementary...

But you're white.

And stand up for justice!

She definitely sat down.

We're staging a walkout!

Come on, everyone!

To the parking lot!

Suspended!

Great reading, everyone!

Now, what did we all learn from the story?

Oh, Camille!

I'm so glad you want to participate.

I learned that Michael's lisp hasn't gotten any better,

McKenzie's nose whistles when she breathes...

And Bridget sucks at reading.

Those aren't very nice things to say.

What I meant was, what did we learn from the story itself?

Oh, well, I learned that

the poor little girl in the story

is a lot like Linda,

because Linda lives in an apartment

and wears supermarket sneakers.

Camille,

I'm very glad you're sharing your voice with us,

but children in my class are not allowed to speak like that.

Okay?

Oh! Because you know everything about children.

You don't even have any children

because no one will marry you.

So you see, Jesus forgave Peter,

even though he spoke against him.

And I'm sure if Peter had used the T word

on scroll or parchment...

I'm not going to revoke Ms. Snap

and Ms. Cannon's suspensions.

Oh, I'm just here for Ms. Snap.

I can't bear to think of my best friend

out there suffering.

Mm. Ah!

I'm gonna need to try that one again.

I know you and Snap have

some sort of master-slave relationship,

but what she did is unacceptable.

But what she did isn't nearly as bad as some of the things

the other teachers do outside of school.

- Really? - Oh, yeah!

At Mrs. Adler's Wiccan ceremonies,

she has group s-e-x to make the crops grow better.

Hmm.

That does put things in perspective.

What else do the other teachers do?

Oh, brother, so much stuff!

I was hoodwinked!

Principal Pearson asked me so many questions,

and I didn't realize what was happening

before it was too late!

Too late for what?

I told him all about your horrible personal lives.

Deb, he knows you're a Wiccan.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline, I told him about the photos

from your sorority Pimps and Hos party.

Flickr, 2006.

Feldman, I may have accidentally told him

what happened at Bonnaroo!

I'm sorry!

Come on, what is the password?

Yankeecandle272.

Jacobswife9696.

Talbots?

I'm calling to follow up on my assault case.

No, not the Air and Water Show. The Phish concert.

Mom, I need you to log in to your You Tube page

and take down all of the Wiccan videos you posted of me.

AlwaysBrunchin8.

Yes! Delete!

No, I can't delete them.

You posted them from your You Tube account.

Open your Internet browser.

Click on the little compass!

So you never found Ms. Feldman sleeping on a park bench

that morning on your way to school.

Good, but if that ever happens again

and it's a school day, wake me up.

What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

Nothing.

So you know that Camille kid?

Mm, the shy kid I whispered?

Yeah. She sucks! She needs to be unwhispered.