All Night Wrong

So, there's this story.

It's-it's probably not true, but, um, I feel like it

sort of applies to our situation.

And what situation is that?

You know, uh, you and me, and, I don't know.

I haven't done this before.

You haven't met girls on the Internet?

What about you?

Do you... do you do this often, or...?

Do I fuck guys on my phone?

No. I mean, there was this one guy that I met online, but...

it was a long time ago.

Sorry, what was your name again?

It's, uh, Gary.

Gary with a G.

As opposed to, uh...

And, uh, you are?

I'm Ell.

Like the letter.

Ell with an L.

Give me your hand.

Like that.

Wow. Yeah. There it is.

So you were going to tell me a story?

Yeah. Uh, so...

Okay, so there's this card player in the 1800's

named Canada Bill Jones.

And him and his brother find a game in the back of this

barber shop in the... in the French Quarter.

Canada Bill, he's been playing for... for hours,

and he just, like, keeps losing.

He's losing and losing and losing.

Hand after hand, he just like...

nothing he does is working.

And his brother pulls him aside and he's like...

Hey, uh, Bill.

You're almost broke, you need to stop playing.

And Bill was like, no, no, no, come on.

One more hand, one more hand.

He doesn't quit, he keeps playing until finally

George grabs him and he's like,

Bill! Can't you see they're cheatin'?

And Canada Bill says...

I knew they were cheating the second I sat down.

And George asks him, well, if you knew

the game is rigged,

why the hell did you play?

And Canada Bill says...

What choice did I have?

It was the only game in town.

Is this about you and me?

Well, I mean, no, it's about...

-Love or sex or... -I'm sorry.

The odds are stacked against us but we keep trying.

Oh, just my friend. I-I told her to call me

just in case you're, like, a killer.

I get it.

-Hi. -I'm not, by the way.

Hi.

No, it's all good.

Mm-hmm.

See you later.

So... do you wanna get outta here?

Uh...

Yeah. I mean, are you sure? It's-it's... it's early.

We could, you know, we could see a movie.

Or they have really good, um, jalapeño...

God. Relax.

It's not that scary.

Right? It's just sex.

Let's go and do it.

Uh...

It looked nicer on the website.

I mean, it couldn't have looked worse.

Yeah. Uh...

This is perfect, it's like a metaphor.

What does that mean?

Hello?

Uh...

What do you want?

I have a... I have a reservation.

We're closed.

For cleaning.

Oh, looks like you need it.

Sorry, no one said anything about being closed

when I made the reservation, so...

Okay. Name?

It's under, uh, Harry Houdini.

Not my real name.

No shit.

Well, uh, Toby...

can we have a room, please?

This is a scam, right?

Wow.

I've seen this.

They do it all the time.

Lure sad old guys off the Internet,

make 'em fall in love.

Next thing you know, your money's gone.

So is she.

Maybe a couple kidneys too.

Happens every day, doesn't it, sweetheart?

Well, I'm not as old as I look.

Too old for her.

No, she's 32.

30?

27?

25? You're 25?

Yeah. And?

No. It's good. You're-you're...

she's a very mature 25.

Well, I'm glad you guys sorted that out.

Listen.

Girl talk.

What's your deal?

You trying to piss off Daddy?

Is that it?

You're such a fucking racist. That's my deal.

Hell.

Just another white trash redneck asshole.

Okay. All right, let's go. We're leaving.

-Thank you. -We're not leaving.

Thank you, good night.

You're gonna rent us a room, right?

Are you?

Because I'm gonna call the police.

You're gonna call the cops on me?

-Hey. Hey, hey. -Yeah.

No no no no no.

You're gonna call the cops on me?

She's joking.

She's definitely not joking.

Um... no one is gonna call the cops

'cause we've all seen what happens when people try to

weaponize authority. Right?

So, we wouldn't do that.

When they come here, I bet they're gonna find

all sorts of crazy shit.

So, you wanna try me?

Hundred bucks.

-Okay. Amazing. Great. -Good!

Now we're talking.

Thank you Toby.

Uh, diplomacy wins again.

Cash only.

I.

I... I don't have cash.

Nobody has cash.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, man.

Someone cut the, uh, the phone line here,

so you have to find someplace else.

The gas station.

I saw on the way over.

There's an ATM.

We're going there.

That's, like, two miles.

And then we're coming back.

And you're giving us that room.

You feel me?

You guys want turndown?

Yes, we do.

Okay. Great.

Come on, I have the map.

You know, it's been so nice to meet you, but...

I think we should just call it a night.

Absolutely not. You heard what I said.

We're going to the gas station.

We're getting some cash, and then you, my friend,

are going to town on all of this.

Right?

Okay. Look, I...

I know why I want this.

Look at you. But...

What are you doing here? Why me?

Because I wanna have fun.

And you seem nice.

Plus, you're mostly harmless and I don't know.

For better or worse, you're what I wanna do.

So... please, let's go.

Two miles is a long walk.

Well, then it's a good thing that asshole had left

his car keys here.

We are not taking this guy's car.

Oh, yes we are.

He's not even gonna notice.

Plus, that guy was a dick.

So, it's only fair.

Here. You drive.

I am not driving a stolen car.

Um, it's not stealing.

It's borrowing without permission.

Totally different.

I feel like it's not.

Oh, come on, Gary.

You don't wanna walk two miles away, do you?

No, of course not. Look at me.

No one wants that.

Come on then, live a little.

For the record.

This is a bad idea.