Malcolm in the Middle

There it is. Kill it. A spider has as much right to live as you or I.

Besides, it's unlucky to kill it in the house.

OK. Hello, little fella. Come on, sweetheart.

Oh! (SHRIEKS)

Go, go, go!

Door! Open the door!

The back? Side? Side. No, back. No, side! Run!

Oh, my God, did we just...? Go. She can only ground me.

Get your keys and go. But...! Go!

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big

# Life is unfair

My dad's company picnic is tomorrow. Laurie will be there.

I've had a crush on her since third grade. (GRUNTS)

I haven't seen her since she moved last year.

I've grown four inches, but I can't count on that.

If I do 10,000 of these, I should have something to show by tomorrow.

No candy tomorrow, understand? I'll be fine!

You won't. What happened at the last company picnic?

I got into a fight with that red-headed boy.

Why did you do that? Because I ate candy.

Because you ate candy. You do not metabolise sugar well.

You get mean, crazy, get into fights and end up crying.

Do you want that to happen again this year? No. Get ready for bed.

OK. What do you think?

This or this? What are you doing?!

This is an important function. It's a company picnic.

Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet.

Gotta start off on the right foot. You're making too much of this.

No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression.

It sets the tone for the relationship.

Al, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.

I look forward to working with you.

Same here.

Oh, and what do we have here?

My... big, fat sto-mach.

I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not sure where they are.

It is great to meet you, Mr Jacobson.

I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.

Great. Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?

No, I haven't. Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.

Hi. I'm Hal. Hi. So nice to...

Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!

She's gushing blood! Put a tourniquet on her neck!

I'm outside of my body. I can see a light.

Grandma? Is that you? I'll chew off your face,

spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna drag your carcass through the street.

She's got a toothpick in her eye!

It's like a chess game. Every subtle move is vital.

Eight.

God, what did you do? You're huge! Shut up.

Be careful. You might frighten Laurie with your savage manliness.

Who says I'm doing it for Laurie? So Laurie's fair game?

I wonder if she likes older men. Don't. I really like this girl.

Please! It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.

I'm asking you as a brother. Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.

Wow, this desperate grovelling is new for you. Keep it up.

Call yourselves a hockey team?

To beat McCallister Oil you'll have to play better than that.

You're making stupid mistakes, missing opportunities.

Keep your mind on the game! Are our pay cheques here yet?

Aren't you done with that sink yet? There's more than when I started.

You don't leave until it's finished. It'd be faster if Eric helped.

I'm not letting my star player near that toxic filth.

I slave away by myself just because he plays hockey?

He doesn't just play hockey. He skates like the wind.

He's got a 70mph slapshot. Well, indoors, fresh ice.

We'll teach those thugs a lesson they won't forget.

Those chicks won't know what hit 'em. You're playing girls?

The men won't play us till we beat the ladies' team.

Those girls play dirty, make fun of us, and steal our women.

Wow! People who are more humiliated than me. I'd love to see that.

Wish granted. You're our equipment manager. What?!

Rinaldo came down with jock lung. Here's your cheque.

Eric, there's a little extra for you. Thanks.

There's no money in this cheque. It says I owe you $14.

I didn't buy anything last week. Cost-of-living increases.

Your room, board, pillow rental and the rubber gloves, princess(!)

This is insane!

I won't work 60 hours a week and still owe you money. I quit!

Fine. Give me the $604 you racked up and you can go.

What? How can I have possibly $604 when you keep taking my money?

Shut up! And get back to work.

Don't let your equipment-manager duties get in the way of your real work.

Man, that sucks.

Hello? It's Francis. I'm in a real bind.

I don't have any money. "Hear me out."

Tell Mom they're sending the smart kids to Washington, DC,

get $600 and spend a weekend at Stevie's. Reese, phone.

Hello? Reese. You know the hardware store? The entry way is slippery...

Dewey, phone.

Francis? Yeah. Money? Yeah.

I don't know why I go to these things. I am so nervous.

My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.

Get your ear down there. Hal, you'll be fine.

What are you doing? Just keep moving.

Is your new boss even here? They're all here.

There's Landon. He's the head of the whole company.

Of course the new guy's here. Don't talk nonsense!

You've never met him. Do you know who you're hiding from?

That's a good point.

Is the new boss here yet? Yeah. He's right over there.

Let me know when you'll introduce yourself.

We figure you'll set him on fire. Don't give him ideas. Bet's off.

I'm nervous enough as it is. We're just teasing you.

You'll do fine. You and I both know that's a lie.

Yeah, well, I tried.

Hi, Mom. Splendid day for a picnic.

You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?

The hard way. Spread 'em.

I won't always be around to do this. You have to control yourself.

I know.

Undies.

Malcolm? Laurie, hi. It is so good to see you.

Yeah. Good to see you too.

I can't believe how tall you are. Yeah, well, you know...

I've missed you guys so much. I've missed you too.

I mean, we've all missed you. Everyone. Not just me.

Are you doing the three-legged hunt? What?

They tie your leg to another person's and send you to find stuff.

You can win $100. I just need a partner.

Do you want to do it? Really? Yeah, it sounds great.

Cool. Is that your brother?

Hi, Reese. Sorry. I'm gay. OK.

Do you work for the company or are you a drag-along? A drag-along.

Me too. My husband drags me along

then runs off and talks to his friends.

I hide. Hide? From my kids.

It's great to have somebody to talk to. I'm bad at social situations.

My psychiatrist says I'm emotionally detached

and that I have paranoid fantasies about what people think about me.

Uh-huh?

It can get really ugly. False accusations, crying attacks.

I don't know why my husband married me. I know why I married him.

I'm addicted to disapproval. Ah. Really?

Yeah. Of course, I only have myself to blame.

He's exactly like my father was. Oh, my God! He was so judgemental.

Every time I spoke, I felt I was torturing him.