Judy & Punch

* Aah! *

His fist shall thunder down upon those

who have strayed from the path.

Those of you who kneel at the foot of the Devil.

Hey, little fella,

you look almost man enough to come in for a nurture.

Fuckin' hell!

No guinea too big. No... Thank you kindly, sir.

No penny too small.

Come, now. Thank you, sir.

Come, now, don't be cheap.

Come, now, coin in the tin.

Come, now.

Thank you kindly, sir.

Thank you, sir.

No penny too small.

- Here, darling. - Thank you, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, the show is about to begin.

Sit down!

The show is about to begin.

Come now, come now,

you cheap little asses.

Coin in the tin afore payin' time passes.

Don't slag us off, don't turn your head.

For friends we are, not foe!

But if you dirty little fuckers don't cough up your bread, we won't be showing you a show!

You've heard the talk from far and wide of Punch's puppet play.

"Best in the world", "The greatest show", is what the critics say.

The congregations of St Paul's grow thinner every day.

They're coming to the show of shows, not kneeling down to pray.

Professor Punch is back at last!

Town's most truthful preacher.

So sit your arse down, don't fuck around,

and enjoy the theatre feature!

We love you, Punch!

Knock 'em out! Knock 'em out!

OK, move across, move across.

That's the way to do it!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the one, the only,

the greatest puppeteer of our time -

Professor Punch!

You all best be spreading the word that the Punch show is back.

One show a week, catch it while you can.

Tell friends, foes and neighbours alike.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Surely you spilled some?

I'm afraid not, honey.

A more niggardly town than Seaside'd be hard to find.

But what was lacking from their pockets they made up for in applause.

You think it went well, then? You think they liked us?

Liked us? They loved us!

We killed it, honey. We did.

Yes! We smashed it to bits and pieces, didn't we?

We slaughtered them!

A main stage awaits us, my love.

I can hear the applause already, Jude.

I close my eyes for a moment and I can hear it.

The greatest puppeteer of his generation.

So?

Scouts? Any scouts?

I saw none.

We'll just make sure each show is a smasher.

- They'll be in soon enough. - Yes, yes. Soon enough. Soon enough.

Now is our time, Jude.

The big theatres are opening again.

Our show is the best.

It won't be long before we're whisked away

to brighter things with fanfare unimaginable.

I promise you that.

I was just wondering, honey,

the show seems to be getting punchier all the time.

Very punchy, in fact.

Do you think it needs to be quite so smashy?

Well, that's what the people like.

They like punchy,

and they like smashy.

You've heard them, Jude. That's what they want, my love.

I'm an artist.

It is not for me to question my gift, I can only surrender to it.

If my gut tells me to be punchy and smashy,

I guess we're doing the punchy and smashy.

Come here and give Punch some love.

What?

Oh. Come on.

There's another promise I'd sooner have you keep.

My sweet and talented wife!

So blessed I am to have ya.

Sweet and talented indeed.

Wahoo!

There you go! Look at you.

Look at you. One more time.

One more time. Let's go higher.

Whoo!

Happy stoning day.

You've gone and turned her stomach upside down.

That thing does nothing but bellow.

It's you who does nothing but bellow,

and as a grown man, it's harder to fathom.

And before I knew it,

I was falling... ooh, right down,

past the clouds,

past the branches.

I thought for certain I was about to meet my end.

But as the ground came up to meet me,

it wasn't the hard clay,

but a giant pillow of autumn leaves

that broke my fall.

I sank into it.

And when I awoke,

I was near suffocated in my own pillow.

Maid!

Sounds like the devil's awake and wants his sausages.

Now, you stay put like I told you,

and when I'm done with the day, we can stroll.

Am I fit for a visitor

should one arrive unannounced?

More handsome now than the day I met you.

Maid!

- Maid! - Morning, Master Punch.

Won't be too long, just got to get this pan sizzling.

Sausages?

Would I risk a hiding serving you anything but?

Any more sausages and you'll likely turn into one.

Morning, Judy. How was the show, then?

It went well.

- The crowd was... - Slaughtered them!

Smashed it to bits and pieces!

We'll be done with these worn-out loitersacks in no time.

The big smoke awaits us.

I quite got used to you being back.

Well, get unused to it.

I have to change the baby before we go.

Make sure you get a better one.

I never liked that one anyhow.

Your jokes are getting hoary, honey.

You might want to dream up some new ones.

Happy stoning day.

Rock, madam?

Rock, sir?

First in, best rock.

I'll catch up.

No need to rush. But it helps.

Happy stoning day.

Mr Punch!

Oh, Mr Frankly!

Oh, so very glad you made it, Punch.

We were hoping perhaps

you'll do us the honour of casting the first stone?

Oh, why, thank you.

I hear you've netted some good ones.

Oh, yes, we've been saving them up for today.

That Goodbuckle woman, I always had a feeling about that one.

I'll be happy to cast the first.

Excellent.

Glad to hear, Punch.

Glad to hear it!

It seems some folk are getting squeamish around here.

"Stop stoning women!", all that nonsense.

The good old values are slipping.

'Tis left to men of strong will such as you and I

to bring these acts of heresy to an end.

- Do you agree? - I do.

Very good. Well, I'll see you after at McDrinky's for a celebratory ale.

Actually, I...

I've promised the old missus to lay low-ish on the booze

on account of my hot liver.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

Right you are. Well...

Happy stoning day!

We seek out the vile and the unholy

and the wanton

and we will destroy the evil demons

and lovers of Satan.

And when they...

Thank you.

Good people of Seaside,

today I present to you

three fresh, filthy examples

of the wave of evil that is sweeping across our fine land.

All have confessed to their crimes

and shall die on account of them.

Yeah!

Harriet Slibber, whose chickens all died on the same night

due to obvious sorcery.

- Shame! - Glenda Putts,

who tried to conceal a rash upon her back

which was patently some kind of Devil marking.

Devil's whore!

And Esther Goodbuckle,

whose husband, Rodney Goodbuckle,

found her staring at the moon

for a suspiciously very long time.

It's terrible!

Yes, it is, Rodney!

It's terrible!

And though we have three whole witches

standing before you today,

we must remain vigilant.