Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star

Morning, Gordon.

Nice day, huh?

Hurry up, Bucky. Jeez, slow poke.

I'm going as fast as I can, Clint. No fooling.

I see you're trying the Cool Ranch Doritos today.

You spoke so highly of them, I figured I'd give them a whirl.

They should be their own food group. No fooling, they're that good.

Tell her your life story, why don't you?

No, I was just commenting on the Doritos.

Are you sassing me?

No, no, he was just--

He don't need a lawyer, Mrs. Bozobop.

Come on. Let's get on.

The way we've been meaning to get on ever since you started bagging here.

You hit me in the eye!

What? No, Clint, you hit yourself. I saw you.

You've gone loony.

You get out of here. You're fired.

- Fired? - Yeah. Go on!

I'm so sorry I got you in trouble, Bucky.

I shouldn't have distracted you from your job.

Mrs. Bozobop, this has nothing to do with you.

It is an honor to have you as my last bag.

And I meant what I said about the Cool Ranch. They're so good....

Oh, listen to me, Bucky.

Don't let these people get you down.

I can feel it in my bones.

You're destined for greatness.

Oh, jeez, Bucky.

I haven't seen you this down since they cancelled Jericho.

You know, that Clint guy is just a little off.

I was repairing the soles of his loafers, and I'm not Lying...

...he's got six toes.

- Now, get right out of town. - No joke.

No. I saw the outline right there in the shoe.

I think his dad was some sort of an amphibian.

Jeremiah, shame on you!

Pop, you had me going real good there.

- He sure did. - See, you're feeling better already, hon.

I bet it's that new haircut.

I've been getting a lot of compliments on it. Thanks, Mom.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank the bowl.

Mrs. Bozobop said I look like Brad Pitt.

Yeah, you do look like kind of the Legends of the Fall...

...with the hair working there.

What do you say we adjourn to the living room...

- ...and play some Yahtzee? - That's a good idea.

Oh, actually....

Mom, I'm gonna go over to Dale's tonight.

Okay, I just thought you loved the Yahtz.

I do. It's just Rory said they've got some movie...

...that will turn my frown upside down.

Yeah, you know, it's good to have friends when times are tough.

I want you to wear your bright sneakers...

...so the cars can see you.

Already on, Pop.

Look at him dancing. Like a rapper.

Here he comes. We gotta cheer him up.

- Hi, Buck. - Hey, what's the word, Big Bird?

Hey, Dale, what is that, a robot head?

I wish.

It's my parents' old projector. We used to watch home movies on it.

But tonight, we're gonna use it to watch nude movies.

- Nude? - A skin-filmer.

One of those movies you can play with your business to.

Play with your busi.... Business what?

Don't you twang your wang?

If that means washing my ween, then yeah, it's an every-dayer.

You know, "Up, down, all around, do it again if I see some brown."

No, it means rubbing your skin flute...

...after it gets stiff from seeing a pair of love balloons.

Nope. Can't say I've done that.

- You are fibbing! - No way!

Jeez, Bucky, I build my day around the whack.

I get in a breakfast flapjack, a nooner...

...an after-lunch, pre-nap slap, a post-work, traffic-jam slam...

...a pre-dinner spinner, an after-dinner dink...

...a dog-walk leash-pull...

...and then I round it out with a midnight snack-whack...

...if my folks are asleep.

Sometimes I do it at the dinner table.

I'm not gonna lie, Bucky. I've been choking the bald man...

...the whole time Lars was telling you his pud-pulling schedule.

Pocket patty-cake!

Jeez. You guys spend a lot of time on this.

Is it really that fun?

Better than "Donkey Kong."

Now, get right out of town.

Okay.

So how do you do it, this.... What is it, whacking?

It's a breeze. We'll walk you through it, step by step.

We'll even kill the lights, So you can have your privacy.

But you know what? We'll put on the old Billy Squier black light...

...so you can see your business.

Jeez, guys, thanks a lot for helping me out here.

Hey, we wouldn't be your friends if we didn't.

Now, jump in the big bean.

All right.

Now you're gonna see some sexy stuff in the movie.

Stuff that's gonna inflate your fun-tool.

Like hot-buttered yaboes.

I got a feeling this is gonna be a doozy.

So pop a button and go ankles on your trousers.

You're gonna wanna be ready, Bucky.

We should put down a tarp.

Could be a flood when he blows.

Just finished baling the hay.

Need me to put the pitchfork anywhere else?

How's it going up there, Bucky?

Not sure. I'm catching some air off my wrinkle-bag.

- Is that what we're looking for? - One hundred percent, Bucky.

That's called liftoff.

Okay.

Bucky, grab your joystick. The game's about to begin.

- Okay, one hand or two? - No, just the one.

Keep your other hand free...

...in case you wanna tap on your dirt button.

Okay.

Forget your dirt button! Just ice-pick it, Bucky!

Grab at it and really go to town!

Up and down, like a pogo stick!

Am I doing It now? Am I a whacker?

You're a whacking machine!

Is that who I think it is?

How does that feel?

You know, that's got a real kick to it, hon.

Just like a donkey.

That's your folks.

One hundred percent.

By golly.

Oh, my!

Jeez, that's weird.

That's my folks.

On the big screen.

I think that's pretty dang cool, Bucky.

Hi, Buck.

I knew you couldn't resist the Yahtzee.

So you finished the movie already?

I bet acting is fun.

But it's gotta be weird having a camera pointed at you...

...don't you think, Pop?

Probably not that weird.

I bet you couldn't do it.

Oh, I bet you I could.

I bet you couldn't...

...if you're nude!

Jim Spraysium and Rosie Bush!

How'd you know about that?

I saw it.

I didn't even know you were a farmer, Pop.

We were gonna tell you on your 50th birthday...

...but I guess you stumbled on it early.

- You made all of these? - Sure did.

- Eighty-six, to be exact. - Jeez. I mean....

How the heck did you get into it?

Well...

...one day, your mother says, "I wanna see the ocean."

Sol rented a van and, well, we went out there to California.

Anyway, we're taking a walk on the beach.

So we threw down a beach towel...

...and we start a pretty mean session of kissy-face.

And then, out of nowhere, an older gentleman comes up...

...and says we look good smooching.

And he said he made movies about people doing the stuff...

- ...that we were doing. - Yeah...

...and he said that we had a natural look and technique.

He said it was our destiny.

When someone says it's your destiny, you listen up.

Old Mrs. Bozobop said I had a destiny earlier.

Well, sure you do. Everybody does, Bucky.

Yeah, but this is it.

What's it?

This is why I was fired.

This is my destiny.

I was born to be a star.

Oh, I don't know about that, Bucky.

I mean, it's not an easy life.

It's filled with long days and lots of chafing.

I ain't afraid of chafing. I ain't afraid of nothing.

I'm gonna go to California and I'm gonna be a star on the silver screen.

I'm the son of two movie stars.

That's like a super-duper movie star.

- Buck! - No. Let him go, dear.

I love you so much. I'm gonna call you right when I get there, I promise.

- You better. - All right.

- All right, son. - Bye.

There goes our boy, Jeremiah.

Give them heck, son!

No way.

Pop.

- Take care. - Be safe, Bucky.

Bye, Piggies.

Hey, how are you?

We don't sell kiddie porn, man.

Oh, I'm allergic to cats.

Self-service, pal. Don't see what you want, just do some laps...

- ...until something gives you a boner. - No, I don't wanna buy a movie.

I wanna be in one. Let's go.

We just sell the porn.

If you wanna make it, you have to go to the Valley.