Love, Nina

'Dear Vic, thanks for the fish pie recipe.

'The news from here is that there have been developments with Nunney,

'and it turns out that it's not a good idea to sleep with someone

'who lives three doors away. It's really bloody awkward, in fact.

'I bump into him all the time,

'and he hardly makes eye contact.

'The sad news is that Joe has been really poorly again

'so, unfortunately, I've had plenty of time

'to read the wretched books Nunney lent me.'

'So, there's a tense day's cricket ahead of us here.

'Yes, if they can repeat any of that form from the Oval, then...'

Right, now, remember, if anything happens

and you get too excited, we'll have to turn it off.

So I can only listen as long as it's boring?

That's about the size of it.

'Yes, what a phenomenal stroke!

'But now, you know, they just need to stay there

'for the rest of the day.

'Gower getting close to his century, so there's still hope.'

Sounds like you'll be all right for a while.

'He lifts his bat, still fighting for a draw.

'Jones runs in.

'Oh, my goodness me, he's bowled it!

'It was never going to happen, really, was it?

'So, Taylor undone by a brilliant piece of cricket...'

- That exciting? - No.

'And that's the last of the resistance, you would have to say.

'That's the way it goes. Well played, New Zealand.'

Oh, Trevor Brooking! And Ian Botham!

Sorry, Joe.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Let's read.

Enoch Blyton?

Yeah...

Yeah!

It's a, um... It's a Diggory Venn adventure.

Diggory Venn? I don't know him.

Classic Enoch name, though.

Yes. Diggory Venn is a reddleman.

- What? - I said, Diggory Venn is a reddleman.

That's what I thought you said.

- A reddleman? - A reddleman is a chap who paints sheep... red.

- For fun? - No, it's his job.

Brilliant! That's my future sorted out, then.

Finally.

'No, this is olden times, though.'

Oh, hell! Are we going to read an olden-times Blyton?

Yeah. OK.

So, Diggory Venn, the reddleman, he's in love with Thomasin.

Diggory and Thomasin?

- Yes. - This isn't actually Blyton, is it?

No.

It's a book Nunney lent me.

- It's rubbish. - Yes, I know.

It's full of stupid plot twists and ridiculous coincidences,

and I hate it! What am I going to do?

Why do you have to read the books that Nunney gives you?

- I want him to think I'm clever. - Oh, I get it!

You want to read it to me so I can explain it to you.

I'm very good at English.

I don't know why you're laughing.

I'm offering you a good deal.

Right, so, there's... there's... there's Diggory and Thomasin,

and then there's Clym and Eustacia.

Oh, hell. Look, do you mind if I explain it all another time?

No.

I understand.

- A Barney mystery? - Yes, please.

And do you know what?

I wouldn't read that Diggory Venn, the reddleman, even if

Trevor Brooking lent to me.

- Is that likely? - He's very clever.

He got 11 O levels and two A levels.

That's more than I've got.

- Are you ready? - Mm-hm.

"Four children were singing at the tops of their voices

"in a car that was going up a steep mountainside road..."

- My turn? - He's having a nap.

I'm quite worried about him.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Yes, I see you're worried.

But you're not?

I'm not sure "worried" is the right word.

This is his condition.

He has frequent health crises, the inevitability of eye damage,

sight problems when he's older.

Do I think it's awful? Yes, I think it's awful.

Do I feel helpless and wretched?

Yes, I feel helpless and wretched.

Do I worry? Uh, I suppose worry is in there somewhere.

But it gets lost amidst all the other stuff and, anyway,

it's the least powerful and least useful of my feelings.

But I'm glad you're worrying for both of us.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck that fucking thing!

Why do we even have a cat?

Who in this house gets a single fucking second of pleasure from it?

Thanks. - Bye. - Bye.

"Adult cat wanted. Neutered."

- So, was she interested when you spoke to her? - Do we know it's a her?

Anyway, I haven't done anything about it yet.

I thought we should talk to the boys.

Are you mad? Someone is going to beat us to it.

No-one wants their cat. Phone her this second.

- Engaged. - Told you, someone's beat us to it.

Oh, bloody hell. Keep trying.

Zero...

What's in there?

Erm, Lucas.

- Dead? - No, no.

He's going to live somewhere else.

You mean heaven? How old do you think I am?

Honestly, he really is going to live somewhere else.

- He's not dead. - He's being transferred?

Poor old Lucas.

He'll have a nice time where he's going.

Did someone put in a big offer,

or are we just getting him off the wage bill because he's hopeless?

Um, I suppose it's the latter.

He's hopeless.

Lucas Bunt, the big fat runt.

That's not very nice.

I'm just calling him names. You're actually chucking him out.

No, I'm not... I'm not chucking him out, exactly.

We're just... We are helping him to be happier...

somewhere else.

So why was he hopeless? What did he do wrong?

It wasn't that he did anything wrong, exactly, he just...

He didn't do enough right.

Did you enjoy his company?

He's a cat.

Well, exactly. All take, no give.

Like Joe. That's who I would have got rid of.

Well, that really isn't very nice because he can't help being ill.

No, I like him when he's ill -- he's upstairs.

It's when he's well that he's really annoying.

Can I come with you?

I'll go and tell your mother. Keep an eye on Lucas for me.

George!>

I think he IS dead now.

I don't like looking after dead things.

No.

See? Fit as a fiddle.

- There it is. - Great.

OK.

- Hello. - Hello.

Can I help you?

We've come with the cat.

Oh, yes.

Could I have a look at him?

I don't want him to make himself at home if he's not right.

Oh, are you seeing others, or...?

- Only one or two. - Right.

I didn't realise it was an interview situation.

Well, it isn't, really. I wouldn't know what to ask a cat.

Erm, right, I'll hold the box, you open it up.

Are you sure he's not dead?

- Yes! - Is he unwell?

No, no, no! He's as fit as a fiddle.

Max is just being really, really stupid and unhelpful.

Open it.

Oh, what's his name?

- Lucas. - Lu... I'll be calling him Johnny, if that's OK.

Hello, Johnny!

I lost my best friend, you see.

- Was it a cat? - Yeah.

Johnny.

- I'm sorry. - He was 18.

What's that in cat years?

I was talking in cat years.

If Johnny had been a dog, he would have been a lot older.

Would he still be dead, though? How do you work it out?

Well, Johnny got run over, so I suppose so.

He would have been on a lead, though, if he were a dog.

Stop now, Max!

Oh, you are just as handsome as other Johnny, aren't you, Johnny?

Why don't you want to keep him?

All take, no give.

- I don't mind that. - Just as well.

Thank you for bringing him.

Give me a call in a day or two when I've seen the others

to find out if your application has been successful.

But I CAN tell you that Johnny is a very strong candidate.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Bye...

Christ's sake! We have to go all the way home with this box now.

She shouldn't have started calling him Johnny

if she's not going to make her mind up. He'll be confused now.

They can cope. Come on.

Right.

What's wrong now?

What do you mean, now?

It makes it sound as if there's always something wrong.

Not always, just often.

Well, I have questions,

and they're not complaints.

May I ask one of them?

One.