The Good Place

Last season on The Good Place ...

In the afterlife, there's a Good Place and there's a Bad Place.

You're in the Good Place.

Eleanor, you are my soulmate.

Chidi, you'll stand by my side, no matter what, right?

Of course I will.

- I'm not supposed to be here. - Wait, what?

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu.

- Oh! You booped me. - I did!

His real name is Jason. He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida.

What's up, homie?

The problem in the neighborhood is me.

You have all done bad things since you arrived here.

The Bad Place is owed two people. You can decide.

Holy motherforking shirt balls.

This is the Bad Place.

Except for you four, everyone in this neighborhood is one of us.

You saw us all on earth. A selfish ass, an idiot DJ,

a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.

You thought we would torture each other.

The only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.

That's it. My big mistake

was having you be soulmates living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.

I'm going to erase your memories, make a few changes and start over again.

Got to get the boss man to sign off.

If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.

Do your worst. We figured it out once. We can do it again.

Janet, open up.

Because you know what, Michael? Ya basic...

- You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. - Cool.

I'm your soulmate.

You'll stand by me no matter what, right?

Hold that thought. Is it okay if I go work out?

I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.

See you soon.

Hi, there.

I'm Janet. I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.

What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?

Okay, here we go.

Confidence, Mikey. Project confidence.

There he is. How's it goin', boss man?

Enough chitchat. Is everything in place for version two?

Yep! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable,

adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate.

For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.

Diabolical.

Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course.

You gotta trust me on this, boss. I've thought of everything.

- I won't let you down. - I think you will.

I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.

I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence,

and burned on the surface of a billion suns.

And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment

will go down in history as colossal failures.

- You know, I think if you... - Toodle-oo.

Okay. Take two, folks.

Any last questions before we start up again? Yes.

Just so I'm clear, we're not pairing them up this time?

Correct. Obviously, the eventual goal is to get them to torture each other.

But, first, we're gonna create some nice, individual torment.

In version one, making them soulmates,

we probably bit off more than we could chew.

We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them.

That's an expression, Chuck.

Go ahead, Vicky.

I have some questions about my new character.

I feel like I got "real" Eleanor. Like, I got her, you know?

But this new character, Denise. I mean, who is she? I don't get her.

Is she a quirky best friend type,

or more of a "femme fatale, sexuality is her weapon of choice" type?

Both those things.

I have some questions about my character, too.

Like... can he bite them?

No. Okay, reminder, the most important thing tonight,

and this is crucial,

you need to get Eleanor drunk at the welcome party

so she will say and do a bunch of bad stuff.

Then, we take that stuff

and use it to build our chaos sequence in the morning.

For example, you remember last time, she stole all the cocktail shrimp,

and we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky?

See, it's those details that make her realize

she's in danger of being found out.

Okay, all right, I know that this kind of large-scale deception

is not what you were trained to do.

There are gonna be days when you are just sick

of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths

and their stupid elbows.

You're gonna be tempted to say, "Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ,"

and do this the old-fashioned way?

Pull out some fingernails,

"toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?"

And sure, that sounds nice, but it also sounds easy.

We're all here because we believe that there's a better way

to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you.

So, torture on three. Ready? One, two, three...

Torture!

And biting!

Nope! No.

Hey, lady? Can you come back?

Joey?

Janine?

Jaja?

Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves?

No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.

Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or what are you?

A type of soup, maybe?

Hi, there. I'm Eleanor.

Nice to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Nina, this is my soulmate, Bart.

Love it! Love people's names, and love learning all about them.

Where are you all from?

Well, oddly enough, I was born in Mozambique...

Cool. Listen, do you guys know if there's a neighborhood phone book

with everybody's name listed in it?

Oh, I don't think so, 'cause there's no phones here.

There are no phones here?

Of course. Duh!

There's no use for 'em.

I always prefer talking to people, anyway.

People are like nature's apps.

Hmm. Anyway,

we're on our way to get some pizza. Would you like to join us?

Maybe we could get know each other a little bit, chat.

Uh, I'm good. I'm gonna explore a little bit,

but it was so nice to meet you, Nina, and...

Bye-bye.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

- Eleanor? What are you up to? - Oh! Hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.

Who was that mysterious gentleman wearing the nightgown?

Oh, uh, that's Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who never speaks.

Might be a little hard to get to know him.

Eleanor, you and I both know

you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood.

Everyone here led a remarkable life.

But you, the work you did as an environmental activist

was just extraordinary.

Uh...

Oh, well, it's the environment.

I mean, I loved...

mushrooms.

I can honestly say that.

Well, it paid off because you were the number one point-getter

in this entire neighborhood.

And as such, I was hoping you could say a few words

at tonight's welcome party to introduce yourself?

How can I say no?

Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no.

- But if I can, Michael, I'm saying no. - Okay.

You'll speak for maybe an hour or so? Hey, you know what?

I got you something to wear here.

All the top point-getters wear these on the first night.

Oh, you gotta be forking kidding me.

So, long story short, my heart is in the Pope,

my liver's in the Dalai Lama, and my teeth were strung into a necklace

for a child king in French Polynesia.

But it got me into the Good Place, so can't complain.

Wow! Can I tell you something, just soulmate to soulmate?

Hold that thought. I'm gonna head to the gym.

Are you serious? Again, right now?

Yeah. I'll catch you later.

Hey, there, Best Person.

You must be Eleanor. I'm Jessica, the host.

- Hi. - Michael told us about your speech.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Me neither, Jessica. Me neither.

Aw, don't be nervous. Here, liquid courage.

Actually, um, you know what? I think I need to keep a clear head.

Can you imagine getting drunk before giving a big speech?

Getting kicked out of your niece's christening

and then, only later, once you've sobered up,

realized you don't even have a niece? It's like, who was that kid?

So, Eleanor, you were an environmental lawyer.

- That's fascinating. - I know.

Just don't ask me questions about it.

I am sick of describing exactly what it means.

Hey, I'm headed to the bar. Can I grab you something?

- How about a margarita? - No, I'm good.

Actually, I'm the best. According to the sash.

- She's still not drinking? - Nope. Something's off.

Should we...

No.

- Keep it together. - Yeah.

Screw it. Couple of quick shots.

Then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.

Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you. Drink up.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

Yes?

Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.

- What? - Listen to me very carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We need to talk.

Chidi? Come on in.

There really is an afterlife.

I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, and lunch with Michel Foucault,

and then have dinner with Kant again,