Eight Days a Week

This is more retarded than when I got that gumball stuck up my nose.

Or the time I wanted to be the first white Harlem Globetrotter.

And it's more embarrassing than the time

my mom walked in on me while I was trying to simulate vaginal friction

by rubbing my boner between the mattress and box springs.

Why don't you go out and play.

It's such a beautiful day.

No, this tops it.

And it's all because of Erica.

Erica.

It sounds so much like "erotica."

And it's fitting:

She's a walking wet dream.

The kind of girl whose mere glance at you

could get your pecker to stand up and say, "Howdy."

And not your normal, run-of-the-mill erection.

We're talking the kind that could be picked up on radar.

The kind you could hang a flag from.

And her breasts.

They must have tractor beams in them.

They pull my hands toward them like the Death Star

dragging in the Millennium Falcon.

Come on, guys.

If I had breasts like that, I could have ruled the world.

You are in love with her, no?

No, I'm not.

Then why are you sitting so funny?

Nonno.

Don't be ashamed.

A man is two people:

Himself and his penis.

A man always takes his friend to the party,

but of the two, the friend is nicer

because he is more able to show his feelings.

Does this Erica know what you think about her?

She's got a boyfriend.

They are not lovers?

- I don't think so. - That is good.

One pubic hair between a man and a woman

can be stronger than the Atlantic cable.

You're telling me.

What is your problem with the Bella?

She goes off to college on the East Coast in three months.

Then you must declare your love to her immediately.

- Are you crazy? - You must.

- It is the only way. - Oh, no, no, no.

She'll think I'm a spaz.

Then you prefer to sit funny the rest of your life?

Now, listen, ragazzo, I will tell you a story.

It is about your great-great-grandfather.

Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

When he was a boy your age, he was in love

with the most beautiful girl in the village of Cascata.

But the Bella

she did not see anything in Giuseppe.

So one day, Giuseppe, an enterprising young boy

declared his love to her.

He said:

“I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, love you,

and to prove that I will always be there for you

I will stand under your balcony day and night without relent

"until you fall in love with me."

So Giuseppe

stood outside that balcony day and night.

Night and day.

Until, finally, his love came out to the balcony and cried:

"Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, I love you!"

So Giuseppe

climbed up to the balcony and into her bed.

They made love so passionately

that the ground shook.

And villagers today still believe

that's what caused the 1874 earthquake.

I can't do that.

You can, my friend.

Women are like breaking into a bank.

It takes nerve.

It takes daring.

Sometimes you need a little bit of dynamite to blow the vault.

I don't know what it was.

Maybe all the benzoyl peroxide in my zit cream had affected my brain.

Or maybe I had a strange fetish for humiliation at the hands of a woman.

I figured this stemmed from watching too many episodes

of Julie Newmar as the Cat woman in all those Batman reruns.

But it seemed like an audacious idea.

I decided to try it.

Peter, that is so sweet.

I was beginning to think this might work

when she said the most dreaded two words

in the English language.

But, Peter, we're just friends.

"Just friends."

The words hit me like screaming lead shot from a .38.

I wanna be

just friends.

It's just a flesh wound, my friend.

It will not kill you.

Get back up and fight.

I'm not gonna give up so easily.

But, Peter

I was rudely interrupted by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

He's what I call a "gaping asshole."

You know, the type of guy that's going to college on a football scholarship.

But what bothers me most is he's one of those macho dicks

who's always grabbing his crotch and adjusting his balls.

I mean, what's the deal?

He acts like he's a guard at the Tower of London.

He's gotta check every 10 seconds to see if the crown jewels are still there.

And how come every asshole I know has to make that noise?

You can hear a symphony of those in any boys' locker room.

Is it like a lion roaring?

The asshole who can hawk a loogie the loudest

is the leader of the herd?

Needless to say, Nick has been my nemesis since I was 5.

- I forbid you to go out dressed like that. - Dad.

No self-respecting Christian girl would be seen in public in a...

Just get in the house. Get in the house.

Erica. Erica. Erica!

Erica looked more doable than Barbara Feldon in Get Smart.

Erica! Get your...

She kissed Nick so hard, I'm sure they could've swallowed each others uvulas.

Erica, if you...

What the hell's his story?

She then proceeded to tell Nick what I was up to.

And if things weren't hard enough, I encountered more unexpected problems.

Well, our prayers have been answered.

I have been asking God to send someone to take her away

from that heathen boyfriend, Nick.

- You're a miracle. - Yes.

Erica's dad can never have a conversation

without quoting some guy named Zig Ziglar, a Christian motivational speaker.

Frankly, I'd never be caught dead quoting some guy named Zig.

The difference between you and that barbarian, Nick, is that you...

Remember what he said.

Have a "swelled heart, not a swelled head."

I wanted to tell him that his daughter gave me both. But I didn't.

Peter, I thought you might be hungry,

so I brought cookies I made for the church bake sale.

I wasn't all that surprised by the cookies.

This is the same woman who encourages her youngest daughter, Mary

to play with nun dolls.

"Now say 50 more." "Hail Mary, Hail Mary.

Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary..."

- Thanks. - Yes, yes, yes.

Now let's face it.

It's a proven fact that girls do not fall in love

with any boy her parents actually like.

I vowed at that very moment that I would

find a way to make her parents hate me.

I set Giuseppe to work on it.

Go ahead, Peter, try it.

My dad's reaction to my plan, when he heard about it from Mom

registered on the Richter scale at Caltech.

Peter. Peter!

Stop acting like you don't hear me. Peter.

Hell's bells. You get inside right this instant.

- I'm not leaving this spot. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

You stop listening to your grandfather's nonsense.

He's not all there. Now, come on.

- Let go. I'm not hurting anyone. - You are acting like a fool.

- Now, come on. - No.

- Give it up, son. - Mom!

- Listen to your father. - This is ridiculous.

What will the neighbors think? Some of them are my patients.

They'll stop coming to me if they think my son's a pervert

who stands under girls' windows.

- You're just embarrassing our entire family. - Dad!

- I'm sorry. - Now, let go, Peter.

My New Guinea impatiens!

- I'm sorry. - What are you doing?

Good old Nonno.

Whenever a situation calls for it

my grandfather pulls his "infirm old man" routine.

I'm sorry.

He's saved my life hundreds of times.

I'm sorry.

The same couldn't be said for my best friend, Matt.

This is my last chance.

Look, you know, I just don't wanna see you setting yourself up like this.

I have been in love with Erica since we were kids.

We used to play Cowboys and Indians together.

When we were little, we used to do everything together.

When you get mad at someone, you go like this:

- It was great. - It'll never work.

Why not?

Because we're losers.

Look, we've been picked by genetic selection

to be the world's biggest living proof that this world is fucked.

- How's that? - We lost the DNA lottery.

We didn't get the asshole gene.

See, we're the nice guys.

We're never gonna succeed.

Only the assholes get the girls and the dough, bro.

- You've got it all figured out. - Damn straight, I do.

My parents think I'm going to college in the fall.

I'm not going to college so I can be a jerk with a degree

who assistant-manages a Burger King.

"Would you like fries with that, please?" No way.

- So you're just gonna give up? - Yep.