Major Payne

Let's move out!

Get in front of that wall!

Follow me!

My arm! I've been shot!

Let me take a look at that.

Want me to show you a little trick?

Take your mind off that arm?

Give me your hand.

You may feel a little pressure.

My finger! My finger!

Works every time.

You had better give up, Señor.

You cannot kill us all.

Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker

than one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.

Ooh.

At ease, Payne.

Relax.

Do you know why you're here?

Sir, no, sir.

The promotion board report came out last week.

This is the new lieutenant colonel list.

Your name is not on it.

You get two chances to advance,

then we gotta show you the hatch.

Base admin is cutting your discharge orders right now.

General,

are you trying to tell me, in all this man's military,

there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?

The fighting is no longer done on the battlefields, Payne.

Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress.

Warriors like us are becoming dinosaurs.

There's gotta be somebody needs some killing.

I'm sorry, Major. There's no one left.

You've killed 'em all.

Good luck.

It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man,

and already I'm starting to get the itch.

Problem is, I ain't got nothing to scratch.

God, I'm hungry.

Hungry for action.

Hungry for blood.

Hell,

I'm just plain old hungry.

Feel I'm getting weaker

while Charlie's growing stronger in the jungle.

I can't lose my edge.

I gotta keep my strength up.

I gotta maintain discipline.

Because the hard reality was,

I gotta get a job.

And what better place

than somewhere that would allow me to employ my skills

as a trained killer.

Mr. Payne?

This is a dramatization of a domestic violence dispute.

You arrive on the scene to find a woman,

played by Miss Goodwin...

Hello, ma'am.

Claiming to have been assaulted by her husband,

played by Mr. Shipman.

Happy to meet you.

Same here.

Your objective is to effectively neutralize the situation.

Neutralize.

Begin.

He hit me!

You like to beat women?

Officer...

You'll never hit her again.

Hear me? Hear me? Huh? I can't...

Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week.

It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.

Listen, I made some calls, and I got an assignment for you.

It's not great, you understand,

but it gets you back in the military.

So after two and a half weeks

of living a civilian puke's existence,

I was back in uniform.

Back in the Corps.

Back to the sweet smell of mustard gas

and killing.

Little did I know what awaited for me.

I've toured 11 separate engagements from Iraq to Haiti,

but nothing I did would prepare me for this newest assignment.

I was told it would be my greatest challenge.

It was sure to be a living hell.

(ON PA) The glee club will be meeting at 3:30.

Will the teachers please report to the quad for the science fair judging.

Tiger? Tiger, come back here! I'm not gonna chase you!

What you running from, boy?

She's trying to give me a shot.

You don't like needles?

Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that pain?

Here, give me your hand.

Now you may feel a little bit of pressure.

Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the school counselor.

You must be Major Payne.

That's a mighty fine handshake you got there.

You wanna wrestle?

No, thanks.

I wrestle with these kids all day.

This one's usually my big helper.

Come on, Tiger.

Nice meeting you, Major.

Nice meeting you, Miss ma'am.

Tiger!

Tiger, come back here!

I'm not gonna chase you.

Mmm.

Come in.

Major Payne reporting for duty, sir.

What?

Major Payne, the new commandant.

Oh, right.

You're in charge of the green boys.

Come again?

The green boys.

They wear those green things.

You know, it's funny. When they stand in front of bushes, I can't see them.

Why are you here?

The ROTC program.

I understand you've been placing last

eight years running in the Virginia Military Games.

I am here to remedy that.

We have an ROTC program?

The green boys, sir.

Oh, right.

Between us, I don't care what you do with those boys,

as long as you keep them out of my hair.

Is that all?

Oh, would you like a tour of the campus?

No, I'd like to see my men.

Fall in! Move it, you idiots! Let's go!

Come on, Williams! Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy!

Fall in, everyone! Fall in! Let's go!

Come on, people! Move!

Hustle, hustle, hustle! Let's go. Giddyup!

Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup. Let's go!

Sir, the squad is formed, sir!

Carry on.

My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne.

As of 0800,

I am replacing Major Frankfurt

as your commanding officer.

See now, what we have here

is a failure to communicate.

Do not attempt

to challenge my authority.

I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots

into a well-disciplined cadet unit.

From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me.

You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose

or even dig in your butts without my say-so!

Know this.

Killing is my business, ladies,

and business is good.

Boo-hoo.

What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

You hold it, turd.

I can't!

I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground.

Now be advised, ladies.

We are going to win the Virginia Military Games.

I said win.

Whiskey, Indian, November.

Get used to the sound of that word!

Major Payne!

What, boy? What? What? What?

I did something bad.

You nasty little worm.

Go change your Huggies, boy, and be back here pronto!

Stop that crying.

You'll get no pity from me.

You think your tears will stop Charlie from taking his bayonet

and sticking it in your little tiny heart?

What the hell was that, you little freckle-faced cartoon?

Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?

No, sir.

Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd.

Otherwise I'll kick your ass back to Mayberry.

I see we have a sickly boy on our hands.

Well, we're gonna have to boost your immune system, son.

Drop down. Give me 25 pushups now.

Count 'em out!

One, sir.

Two, sir.

What are you laughing at, pig boy?

You find a piece of candy in your pocket?

No, sir.

What's your name, tubby?