Mrs Brown's Boys

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

And now perhaps you might sing us a song, little chicken.

Oh, very, very good. Do I sense the arrival of an egg?

Ooh!

I think it's hard boiled.

When I count back from three and click my fingers, you will wake up

and remember nothing at all.

Three, two, one.

I'm Simon Lavine, and that's what I call hypnosis.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, ladies, thank you. Thank you!

You were great Mrs McGoogan, very funny!

Do you think so? Sure, I only had to sit there.

I tell you, Maria, this is one of the best christening parties

I've been ever at.

Oh, thanks, Mrs McGoogan,

with it being triplets, Mummy wanted to make it a bit special.

What? What was special?

Winnie was just saying the christening was great.

Oh, it was fantastic, Maria, three beautiful boys.

I hate the feckin' names you picked.

It was Dermot who wanted to call them after The Beatles.

John, George and Ringo.

That's a terrible name to have to live with. I know.

When he grows up and the teacher asks his name,

he's to stand up in front of the whole school

and say fuckin' "George".

Wasn't the hypnotist great?

Winnie, you were very funny.

I did nothing, Agnes.

Oh, you did more than I did, I just sat up there like a feckin' eejit.

Mrs Brown, you really don't remember?

Remember what?

Everyone enjoying themselves?

Up to now, yes.

Hope I'm not over-dressed for this place, this is a Louise Kennedy.

Hope it fits her better than it fits you.

Louise Kennedy is a top designer.

That's nice.

Mammy!

Well, drink up, girls, and then it's everyone back to our house.

Ooh! Are you coming, Agnes?

No, I'd better get home to Grandad, he's been on his own all day.

Well, the champagne's sitting on ice.

Grandad is probably sitting in shite.

I must say, Agnes, you are a good sport,

you were really quite funny up on that stage.

When? What do you mean?

She doesn't remember anything, Mum.

Really?

What? What's she laughing at? What's she laughing at?

Never mind, Mrs Brown.

Are we going back to Nicholson's for champers?

Let's go, I'll call Rory and tell him where we're going.

Betty. Oh, we're heading back to Nicholson's.

Did you say anything to Mammy?

No, and don't you say anything either.

Not today, let her enjoy her day.

You're right.

What's that about?

I nearly shot myself in the foot.

My uncle shot himself in the foot once.

He was out hunting mushrooms.

Are you going home to Grandad now or will you have another one?

Actually, go on, I might as well.

I may as well feckin' hose him down as bath him.

Hello!

Well, you just missed a fantastic day.

Poor Father Damien, he never christened triplets before.

He nearly ran out of fuckin' water.

He should've used a hose.

Oh, I love days like this, you know, family days.

There's nothing better than having your family round you.

I'm a very lucky mother and grandmother.

I saw you talking to yourself again.

You usually do that at home in your kitchen.

Yeah, well, it's a new series.

Thought I'd move it around a bit.

You were very hard on Mrs Nicholson. Oh.

Ah, she was only trying to be nice.

I'm sorry, it's just that every time that woman gives me a compliment,

I feel like she's waiting on a fuckin' receipt.

Bono's nose is out of joint.

Ah, yes.

He doesn't like having to share his gran.

No, he doesn't.

I just told him we love him so much we got him three new cousins.

I'm not sure that's the way to tell him, Agnes.

Why not?

Well, imagine if your Redser had come home

and he said, "Listen, Agnes, I love you so much"

"I'm bringing another woman home."

What would you have said to that?

I hope she fuckin' cooks.

"For sale, herd of cows, never been bred."

"Also for sale, gay bull."

Morning.

Moo.

Good morning, love, have a cup of tea? Thanks, Mammy.

You look a bit down, love, are you all right?

It's trying to get an apartment.

There's nothing going that me and Dino can afford.

You just have to be patient, love.

We can't be patient, Mammy.

Dino's in his last week in the place he's in now.

We have to get somewhere by the end of the week.

Tea, love? Just a quick one, Mammy, I have a headache.

Hangover, more like.

Good night at the Nicholsons' last night? Great.

Isn't their kitchen just beautiful?

Amazing, you could live in it.

Ha, a kitchen's a kitchen, as long as it's cosy and functional,

like this one.

Excuse me, everything in this kitchen has always worked,

except your father.

Maybe it could do with a lick of paint.

This needs more than a lick of paint, Mammy,

you need to give it a facelift.

This kitchen was built to last.

It even has fuckin' automatic doors.

These things cost money, Cathy.

Mammy, your eldest son is a carpenter.

That's true. And he could use the work, especially now.

Ouch!

Mammy, she's after kicking me!

Well, that was a very stagey fuckin' "Ouch."

Ouch!

Eek!

Can we try that again?

Really fuckin' kick him.

Mammy, your eldest son is a carpenter. True.

And he could use the work, especially now.

Ouch!

Sorry.

Let me just show you the sound I'm really fuckin' looking for.

You don't be kicking him,

or I'm telling you I'll take those good knickers off you.

What do you mean, now?

Nothing, I just mean that now might be a good time to do it.

I have to go, I'll be home on me lunch break, Mammy. Bye.

Wait, Rory! I'll walk to the bus with you.

Mammy, I'm meeting Thomas later so I won't need dinner.

Why? Are you going to eat, Thomas?

Don't answer that.

Hiya, Winnie.

How are ya, Cathy, love?

That's loose.

Well spotted.

The christening was great.

Oh, it was fantastic. Do you want tea?

Oh, yes, please, Agnes.

Winnie, you were very funny on that stage.

Sure, I did nothing.

When you did the chicken. It was very funny.

All he had to say was the magic words - finger lickin' good.

Cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck!

And then he just clicked his fingers

and you didn't remember anything.

Remember what?

About the fuckin' chicken.

Hello, Ma.

Hello, son. Oh, this is an unexpected surprise.

Oh, we're just dropping Bono to school and thought we'd drop in.

Well, you're just in time for tea.

And we'd like to have a chat with you. Sure.

In private. Winnie.

Yeah? They'd like to talk private. Oh.

Mum-um-um-um-um...

Winnie! Family business, fuck off.

What is it, love?

I'm being made redundant, Ma, in three weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry, love.

But, you know, sometimes these things work out

just the way they're supposed to.

I was just thinking about getting the kitchen done.

You can do that while you're waiting on another job, and then

I can pay you. I'd rather pay you than pay anybody else.

Hello there.

You're just in time.

Screw yourself into that door there, will you?

Go on, you know the drill.

Did you want a cup of tea or did you just come for a charge?

Betty, just the girl, could you do me a favour?

It's the toy fair tomorrow, and the boss is looking for

a pretty blonde to play a kind of a Barbie doll.

Oh, jeez, Betty, you could help there,

you must know a pretty blonde.

Ma! I meant Betty.

And who's going to play Ken?

Me!

Are they dolls, will they damage in a fire?

Hilarious.

Do you fancy it, Betty?

No, Dermot, not with Bono in school, but thanks for asking.

No bother, I have someone else in mind anyway.

How are yas? Hiya, Buster.

Did you want me for something, Dermo?

Dermot, we wanted to have a chat with Ma.

No bother. Buster, in there.

See, the thing is, Ma...