FDR: American Badass!

Now, the whole country is in a panic.

We've been summoned to the White House

knowing that the World War is upon us.

Well, he comes bursting down the stairs

with his dick resting over a hanger shouting,

"Does this look too wrinkled to wear into Congress?"

But that was Woodrow Wilson for you.

He just didn't give a fuck.

The next day

we entered World War I,

and the bitch of it is...

I never got my iron back.

We got movement.

What do you think Bronson, is this our grizzly?

Can't tell.

It's moving between the trees too quickly.

Have a look Governor Roosevelt.

Oh, my God!

What is it?

Werewolf!

Everybody run!

We're all going to die!

Don't panic, we just got to make it back to the cabin.

Wait! Wait!

Why me? I'm fat and weak.

Probably for exactly that reason.

No!

Let's get some, boys. No, we got to keep moving, Frank.

They carry polio.

Fuck polio.

Good shot, old boy.

Did you put silver bullets in that thing, Frank?

No, why?

That's why. Run!

Oh, shit.

Sweet Jesus!

What the shit?

Ooh!

Why even spend the time to do that?

Frank, we got to get the hell out of here.

No chair lift, we're never going to make it.

We're going to have to go old school on this.

This isn't a time for that-- we need silver bullets.

Oh, sick goblins!

Frank, I'm sorry.

Tell Eleanor I love her.

Eleanor has silver bullets.

Eleanor.

Frank, stay with me.

Stay with me, Frank.

Frank, Frank, stay with me, Frank.

Please.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I thought you were dead, Frank.

Ain't nobody going to take down The Delano, Kitten Tits.

Kitten Breasts, Frank.

Hey, Frank, how you feeling?

Like a bag full of dicks at a lesbian convention.

Oh, language, Franklin.

Eh, Comme sucka des dicks at a convention de lesbian.

Oh, that's better.

Easy Lou, just me.

Put that hamster back in its cage.

Glad to see you awake, Governor Roosevelt.

Let me just say, on behalf of the great State of New York,

it is our honor-- Cut the shit, doc.

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass,

I would have spread my cheeks

and jammed a whistling teapot up there.

Why can't I feel my legs?

When the werewolf attacked you and bit your leg,

it released a small stream of--

You've got the polio, Frank.

Does my cock still work?

Yes, I had one of the nurses run tests.

Well,

why is everybody looking so down? Cock works.

I'll be up and at it in no time.

Oh, in two weeks, Lou, I want a rematch

of that 100 yard dash, you son of a bitch.

I'm going to get you this time!

I'm going to get you!

Frank, Frank, you're not hearing me.

You'll never be able to walk again.

What?

That's the thing about werewolf attacks--

where you're bitten is where the polio sets in.

In your case...

it's your legs.

Oh!

God, no.

Why?

Why did you have to give him tiny, little, shriveled-up polio legs?

Why, why!

I love you Eleanor,

but you got to just shut-the-fuck-up

when grown men are conversing!

Fortunately, Louis got you to the hospital

before the polio spread to your--

Good looking out, Lou.

On the reels, I'll never walk again?

Can't something be did?

If I'm going to give you real barbershop talk,

no rashes, no chalk-- with rehabilitation

you might be able to stand with leg braces--

possibly a cane.

But you will never again walk without guided assistance.

Well, fuck it then! Just get a goddamn hacksaw up here

and cut my legs off and sew them on his goddamn body!

Oh, let's do that.

Keep your pants on, Louis.

That isn't how this works.

There's nothing more we can do.

Mr. Roosevelt, I'm so very sorry.

Eleanor can take you home this afternoon.

All right, thank you, doctor.

Louis, can I see you out in the hallway for a moment?

Shut up.

What's the skinny, pill pusher? It's not good for me to leave the Gov by himself.

There's something I need to show you.

Do not grab your dick and ask me to guess the temperature.

Motherfucker, I'm not playing hide the keys

from the jailer either, understand?

Put the gun away.

What I'm about to show you

affects not only Governor Roosevelt,

but possibly all of mankind.

I don't understand-- why are we in the morgue?

This is what I wanted to show you.

What the fuck, bro?

Sorry, wrong one.

This is what I wanted to show you.

That thing's dead, right?

Yes, I had a male nurse check him out.

I won't go into details, but I owed him a favor.

Anyway, while he was shaving him, he found this.

Is that a belly tattoo of a swastika?

The detail's amazing-- Those fucking Germans, man,

their craftsmanship is unmatched.

How do you know the werewolf is German?

Besides the swastika,

we found this on him.

But why?

We're not at war with Germany anymore-- this doesn't add up.

I'm not a mathematician, I'm a damn doctor!

And I didn't train on wolves.

Plus, he's a German.

We have to call in the authorities.

You shut that whole spitting shit

out of your face, do you hear me?

Do you hear me? Yes.

Good, now--

I'm going to pull my Model A around the back

while you bag this son of a bitch up.

Then you are going to help me load him into the automobile.

And if you breathe a word of this to the press out there,

so help me God, I will come up in here with an axe

I will split your ass in two like a Granny Smith apple.

Do you understand me? Yes!

Good.

The Governor's had a bad day.

I don't want him seeing any of this shit.

Bag that evidence with it too.

I've had a bad day too.

Doctor Bender to the mental ward, please.

I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life

in that goddamn thingy.

I know, sweetie.

When we get out of here, I say we get a second opinion

about attaching Louis's legs to your body.

FDR, FDR, FDR...

What the hell is that?

FDR, FDR...

Looks like a crowd is gathered outside.

And they're holding signs for you--

to run for President,

FDR, FDR, FDR...

among other things.

Hey, Frank, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure-- what the hell's going on out there.

It's pandemonium, people are going shit house, Frank.

You're all over the news.

We got to get you out there, boss.

Let the people know you're all right.

I can't.

At least not in that thing.

Mr. Roosevelt, there's someone out here that would like to see you.

Unless it's your identical twin, not right now.

It's a ten-year-old boy, Timmy.

He's stricken with polio.

Werewolf attack?

No, he had a prolonged virus

in his intestinal track.

Well, mine's kind of braver-- sorry.

Frank. Oh, all right, I'll see him.

God.

Hi, Mr. Roosevelt.

Please call me Governor.

Okay, Gov, Gov, Governor.

Oh, Jesus, is polio going to make me stutter too?