Who Is America?

Ask not what your country can do for you.

Ask what you can do for your country.

Mr. Gorbachev,

...tear down this wall!

PRESIDENT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT : The only thing we have to fear...

...is fear itself!

"Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

Sheket bevakasha.

My name Sergeant Erran Morad.

Many people ask me, "Erran, what the probability..."

"...that Islamic terrorists attack my workplace?"

And the truthful answer is, it not very likely,

...only about 83 percent.

Yalla. Let's go.

Tell me, how did you help the president?

Well, I was an elected Trump delegate from Alabama,

...so I helped elect Donald Trump president of the U.S.

The U.S. Supreme Court, ruled in my favor...

...in the case that bears my name,

McCutcheon vs. Federal Election Commission.

Well, the latest case would go...

...even further than, Citizens United.

What comes out of the McCutcheon case...

...could forever change the amount of money you can donate.

How does that not, at some point, lead to corruption?

I have a large concern about terrorism...

...and the fact that terrorism is possibly coming...

...to the United States more than it already has.

What do you do when there is a terror attack?

I've heard, but I've never seen it in person...

...or, you know, been close to it.

In America, the official response...

...is run, hide, tell.

In Israel,

...it is hide,

...infiltrate, violence.

We adapt the office...

– ...to be ready to hide. – Okay.

– The terrorist is coming! – ( BLOWS WHISTLE )

– Bang. – Bang.

Good.

Okay. Careful, your head.

Now I teach you, how to make protection...

– ...in your own office, okay? – Yes, sir.

You are pretending to be on the phone.

– Are these real hands? – No.

They are what?

Artificial, prosthetic, specially designed.

They look just like my real hands.

– Okay. – Hey, Zan, this is Shaun.

Can you hurry back from Mississippi?

We got some problems on this control panel,

...and I don't know... Hold up. I'm on the phone. Bang!

– Good. – Makes sense.

Do you know about magen zahav?

No, sir.

Magen zahav is the shield of pork.

Have you heard of this?

No, sir, never heard of it.

What do the Muslim terrorist fear most?

Uh, pork.

The terrorist is coming here. Show the pork.

Pork. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I love pork, though, especially barbecue, ribs.

Hmm.

And there is another shield, twice as effective...

...because they run away.

They are so scared of the image.

One, two, three.

– ( BLOWS WHISTLE ) – Show the shield.

You're a homo. You're a homo. You're a homo.

Okay. One more time,

– ...both of you attacking me. – ( BLOWS WHISTLE )

– Pork. Pork! – You're gay! You're gay!

– Pork! Pork! – You're gay! You're gay!

– Pork. Pork! – You're gay!

What if he come, you have no weapon?

What do you do?

– Infiltrate. – Okay.

How do we infiltrate?

Uh, we become one of them.

If he come here, you are praying.

You turn your cubicle...

...into a mosque...

...so that they will believe it.

When they see it quickly, they believe it is a mosque.

You have 30 second.

– Three, two. – ( BLOWS WHISTLE )

– Faster. – Got to wear the hat.

Put it on.

Put it on.

Slippers!

Faster!

Genie bottle.

Quick.

The terrorist is coming. Bang! You hear banging.

What are you doing?

– Playing the flute. – Why?

Uh, raise the snake.

– You are Muslim? – Yes, sir.

– What is your name? – Abdul.

What did you just eat?

– Hummus. – Good.

This is the method, hide, infiltrate, violence.

H.I.V.

Okay.

I did not invent HIV.

It was given to me...

...by my instructor, who is now dead.

When I give you the HIV, I want you to spread it, okay?

Yes, sir.

You promise to give HIV to your friends?

Yes, sir, the ones that can handle it.

I want you to be prepared.

I want you to be HIV-positive, okay?

Okay.

I'm Dr. Nira Cain-N'Degeocello,

...and I believe that the world's most dangerous chemical weapon...

...is testosterone.

Two weeks after the election was stolen...

...from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed.

I've been cycling through our fractured nation,

...listening respectfully without prejudice,

...to ignorant, racist Republicans...

...with the hope of changing their childish views...

...to try and heal the divide.

I was struggling to get inside the mind...

...of the adult Trump voter.

So, today, I'm meeting with a notable conservative...

...to understand his views on pornography.

Hi. My name's David Pyne, Salt Lake City, Utah.

This is so wonderful to meet you,

...and I really think this is important and pleasurable.

− Absolutely. − Yeah.

From my perspective, I-I would be happier,

...more comfortable, going back to,

...for example, prayer in schools,

...more local control of schools,

...maybe abstinence-only sex education...

– Yeah. – ...to focus on helping kids...

...teenage kids realize that, the benefits of staying...

...staying chaste, until marriage.

Children and pornography... This is currently a big issue.

Do you agree with that?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I can't always be alongside my children...

...when they watch pornography.

Can you?

No, and that's why, uh...

That's why I'm saying there needs to be more controls.

I mean, in my perfect world,

I would love to criminalize hard-core Internet pornography.

I would actually go further and say if we want...

...to keep it legal for adults, let's have an opt-in.

And the opt-in would create a database,

...and the database would...would add...

...that person's name in the database, so...

– Of masturbators. – So... Well, yes.

− And... − So it would be a masturbation database.

You could call it that.

I adore children. I love children.

And I use...

...the Latin word "love," "-phile";

"...children," "pedo-."

So, I am a pedophile,

...in that I love children,

...and I've reclaimed that word,

...because it's been stolen by the abusers.

I love children. I am a proud pedophile.

I am a pedophile.

− I think, uh... − Are you a pedophile?

I am not a pedophile.

So you do not love children?

I love children.

We are a couple of pedophiles.

− We should be proud of that. − I am not a pedophile.

Can we both, at least, sit here today...

...and say that we are both, proud pedophiles?

Absolutely not.

At what age do you believe that it is acceptable for a child...

...to view any form of pornography?

Well, my pedophile friend, I would say 11 or 12.

Don't call me that.

− No, but... − I am not a pedophile.

I was merely saying that we both have respect for children,

...and as you know, I'm trying to reclaim that word.

− Okay. − So that was a term of respect,

...by calling you my pedophile friend.

I disagree with... with that definition,

...and I am offended if you use it, in relation to me.

If there was a register that I could sign up to to, uh...

Then I would happily do that.

Well, there probably is.

Oh, well, we know, myself and Naomi, my partner...