Bordertown

El Coyote! Your ass is mine!

You bastard! Get back here!

Where is he?! Where did that bastard go?!

Hola, señor!

What the Garth Brooks are you doing down there upside-downy?!

I'm not upside-downy.

You are. Look.

Fart socks!

You're more valuable to me alive.

Viva Coyote.

I'm gonna catch that guy.

Then I'll be the one kissing him triumphantly!

Whoa!

Good morning, Mexifornia.

We're coming at you with Scalper Football Radio.

Just four more days till Friday night,

the night our Mexifornia Scalpers

bring the tomahawk down

on the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes.

Who wants to talk high school football?

You're on the air.

This coach Clark is a bum.

Who's he think he is?

I saw him rebuilding his house after we burned it down.

He should be coaching them kids!

Well, he probably doesn't like

becoming homeless every week, but it's letting him know

how important football is to us here in Mexifornia.

All right, next caller.

There's someone in my house.

Please send help!

I'm sorry. This is a football show.

Women know nothing about sports.

Good evening, Mexifornia. I'm Carlos Sanchez.

In high school football news, following Friday's loss,

Coach Clark was placed in the

Brazen Bull for penance.

Oh, God! It's hot! Aah!

I only took this job so I could teach driver's Ed!

Ugh, poor Coach Clark!

This town is way too obsessed with high school football!

How dare you say that.

Football is everything!

Without football, how would kids grow up

to become failed Realtors?

You've got a hot temper,

and football always brings out the worst of it.

Face it, Becky, we're a football family.

In high school, your father scored

the game-winning touchdown in the state championship.

Boy, I can still hear those cheers.

No! You're going the wrong way!

Touchdown! Mexifornia loses!

Somebody invent YouTube!

Hey, Daddy, you ain't the only one who can reminisce.

No, little girl!

That cake is for the whole Wedding!

Someone stop her!

No! It's my wedding day.

I want to see if she can eat the whole thing!

Ernesto, what the hell kind of crazy holiday

are you decorating for now?

No holiday. It's fútbol!

I'm showing my colors

for the Chivas De Guadalajara fútbol team!

They only need 260 more wins

to advance to the regional semifinals.

That's soccer. Don't call that football.

Football is a man's game!

How's a 16-year-old gonna get Alzheimer's playing soccer?

- Hey, hey, Coach! - Oh, hey, Bud.

Oh, boy, am I looking forward to the game.

We gonna win this week?

Well, you-you win some, you lose some.

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in it.

That bear won't leave the town kindergarten.

Maybe folks use their pitchforks and torches on that.

You better win this Friday,

or I'll do to you what I did to my wife, Patty.

- Yeah! - That's enough, Patty.

Help! I'm in a canyon, and my arm's stuck!

Anyone?

Hey, Buckwald, thought of you watching the Scalpers this year,

so I got you this.

It's a morphine drip,

'cause watching your team is so painful.

Then I realized there are 12 games,

so I bought you 11 more.

Then I realized you probably won't be going

to the away games, so I kept six.

Anyway, boo-yah!

You can't trash-talk Mexifornia.

We live in the same town!

Bite your tongue!

North Mexifornia is three blocks north

and eight inches higher in elevation.

They're nothing alike!

Well, if North Mexifornia is so great,

how come it hasn't been chosen

as the U.S.'s official atomic test site

for the last ten years running?

Yeah!

North Mexifornia High is undefeated,

and they're gonna kick Mexifornia's ass this year.

Just like we've done every single year

since our school was founded two years ago.

So, boo-yah!

Geez, it's just a game, you lunatics.

Don't talk about our portero, you bitch!

I'll give your face a red card!

Hola, Bud!

I... I don't know how much longer

I can take coaching this football team.

It's just not worth the $4,000 a year they pay me.

They made our football out of the last coach's skin.

He's a liar! I'm his ex-girlfriend!

He's a psychopath!

Oh, come on. You've got the greatest job in the world!

You're part of the glory years for these kids.

My memories of playing football, then getting drunk with the guys

and lighting enormous gasoline fires in the desert...

that's what keeps me going.

That flame is your life, fellas.

- Keep it lit. - I guess you're right.

Mom, you forgot to give me my lunch money again.

- Aw! - Aw!

Welcome to Friday night football.

Tonight, the Scalpers face off

against the Willie Nelson High Heat Strokes

as I face off against heroin withdrawal.

Is anyone else freezing and sweating?

All right, Friday night football!

Go, Scalpers!

George, how can you participate in this wildly offensive

and inaccurate caricature of your noble people?

They paid me ten bucks to pose for the mascot.

Oh, he has clothes on.

It's weird they made me pose naked.

Welcome, everyone! Now let's kick off the festivities

with the traditional Shooting of a Scientist.

Evolution is real!

The Earth is four billion years old!

You son of a bitch!

Climate change is man-made!

Barbecuing releases carcinogens!

All right, men, let's win this!

The scalpers fumble and turn over the ball

for another Heat Strokes touchdown,

as time runs out on this game and my marriage.

Congratulations, Tiffany, on half a Volkswagen.

Damn it! I don't get it!

We put a ton of pressure on these teenagers!

Coach Clark sucks!

Let's get him!

Look, there's a soldier returning home,

and his dog is seeing him for the first time!

Let's get him, guys!

Wait a minute. Where's Slick Ronnie?

Banging your wives.

It's just a game!

You people need to get lives!

So we lost. So what?!

You're right.

Well, now I feel stupid!

This is for making me feel stupid!

Aah!

You didn't air out the ball enough!

You didn't run the ball enough!

You didn't do any of the tricks they do in the movies!

Where was the girl dressed as a boy with something to prove?

Where was the wide receiver dog?

Or the special kid who thinks he's a radio?

I could have coached a thousand times better

with my eyes closed!

You think you can do better, Bud?

Then go ahead!

You're the coach now!

If you don't win, you're dead.

Ugh, who's that?

Janice, don't open the door!

Shh, shh, shh. Not yet. Come back Saturday.

Hola, Bud! I heard the great news!

Shh! It's not good news. It's terrible news!

Being a coach ain't some dumb border security job.

This is life and death!

You wouldn't understand.

You watch soccer, a civilized sport.

Hey, that's not a regulation-size head!

Could Bud Buckwald be the savior of the Mexifornia scalpers?

Is what no one is saying this morning.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

See Coach Buckwald's head get smashed

with a m-m-m-m-monster truck!

Help!

I guess I should just cut it off.

Unless someone can hear me.

Our top story... recently kidnapped drug lord Juan Diablo

surfaced and released this unusual video

about his longtime rival, Pablo Barracuda.

I am handing over my entire drug empire