Freehold

Subtitles by explosiveskull

"The first meal..."

No, no, no, Mr. Atkinson.

I completely understand. I know it's late.

The reason why I'm actually calling is beca... I'm literally just walking from the office now.

Yeah, we got some news in today that I thought I'd run by you.

Yeah, um...

we got another offer

on the house that you really like.

Yeah, I know, these things happen all the time, sir.

How are you? All right. Yeah.

Can I get the usual please?

Um, an Italian thin crust pizza.

Pepperoni, obviously.

Um, can you do me that... that sour cream dip that you guys do?

Yeah, um, one strawberry cheesecake.

Yeah, and, um...

could you throw in like a cheeky bottle of coke?

Yeah. You letch.

You know my address, yeah?

Okay. All right, then, how long would that be roughly?

All right. Yeah, no worries.

All right, take care.

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah, how's it going?

Nice.

Yeah, when are you back?

Yeah, no, that shouldn't be a problem. Let me... write it down.

Yeah, go on.

What was that?

Terminal... 2.

12:22.

Yeah. Not a problem.

I'll be there.

Of course I will.

For you, anything.

What the fuck?

Fuck. Fuck.

No, no, no.

The last thing I'm trying to do, sir,

is to pressure anyone into making a decision

that they don't want to go through.

Yeah, and 15 percent is the preferable rate these days,

but I know some vendors that are willing to offer 10 percent.

And if I'm being completely honest with you, sir, I saw you. Your aura...

and... the whole ambiance in the house...

that just connected really well. So I'll let you sleep on it.

And then you can let me know what you want to do in the morning.

You have a good night.

Oh, shit.

So... yeah. Listen, man, I need to re-up.

Yeah, quick one.

It's been like two scores or something, yeah?

That right-wing pussy telling me to black it up.

Is he mental?

So! So! So!

Your lift stinks.

Shut up, man. That's you that stinks, not my lift.

Bruv, I mean, it's so quick.

What are you wearing?

- What do you mean, what am I wearing? - Why are you dressed like that?

Went to a casting, innit?

Oh, yeah. How did it go?

Bruv, the director, walks up to me and goes,

"Excuse me, mate, do you mind blacking it up?"

- What? - Yeah.

I looked at him and goes,

"How much more black can I get?"

- So, what did you do? - So I had enough of that.

Afterwards, he comes up to me and goes...

"Do you mind adding a 'motherfucker'."

Like, because I'm black

I have to say "motherfucker."

Just racist, innit?

Now, imagine you're at the office...

and someone comes up to you and says

"Hussein, do you want this bacon sandwich?"

Would you eat it?

Yeah.

'Cause I eat bacon.

Isn't it against your laws?

I mean, yeah...

but I eat pepperoni as well, so...

There's no much difference, innit?

But is it halal, though?

There's no such thing as halal pig.

Halal that.

All right, cool.

Hey, you all right?

What?

Already?

Now, wait a minute.

I thought you said 3 p.m.

That's what I've got written down. That's what you told me.

Wha... So what are you gonna do?

A-All right, all right, I'll come now then, won't I?

W-Wha...

Okay. Chill out.

I'll pick you up from the station then.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello?

For fuck's sake, man.

You told me 3 p.m.

So it's my fault, innit? I can never do anything right.

- You got me a present? - No, I didn't get you one.

Why would I get you a present?

- Look, I wrote it down on the wall. - Where?

On the fridge.

I told you I did. There.

Oh, my God. The hell are...

Oh, my God!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! W... Where did these come from?

- Get rid of them! - I'm trying to get rid of them!

- Can you give me a towel or something... - No!

- Come on, man. - No, I'm scared.

- Well, what am I trying to do? - Open the door!

I need one. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Give me a towel, quick. - No! Talk to them.

Talk to them? I don't know how to talk to the pigeons.

Hey, pigeon.

No!

Get off my chair, man.

Get off!

Go! Go! Go!

Man! Oh, they've shit on my La-Z-Boy.

Fuck, man.

I swear I never left that window open.

Well, you clearly did. Have you not got any food?

There's loads of food in there.

You haven't even got teabags?

What're you talking about. I can see two teabags with my own eyes right there.

- Where? - On the counter.

They're used.

It's called recycling.

Wow.

I'm not your fucking houseboy.

I'm a professional salesman.

I ain't got time to be fucking buying food for you.

- So I'll go shop, yeah? - Yeah.

I think that's a great idea.

Okay, cool. I'll go shop, so we can eat some food tonight.

- How 'bout that? - Can you get me some...

chocolate chip cookies?

No, I can't.

Glass of red?

Oh!

Game over.

This is nice.

Came to 35 quid.

What, you're asking for money now?

We said half and half.

Half the bills, half the rent.

I'll pay you tomorrow.

What do you want me to do?

Run out of the house now, run to the bank or something?

I'm just saying.

And I'm just saying, what if your food was actually dead.

Okay, cool.

I'm going to bed, yeah? You can do the washing up.

Breakfast is served.

Morning.

Morning.

- Listen... - That's nice.

I'm so sorry, yeah?

Don't be sorry. Just be nicer.

I didn't mean to write the wrong time down, did I?

Yeah, I didn't mean to be a massive bitch, but fucking hell.

I think I was feeling hemmed in or something.

My head weren't in the right place.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

Listen, I was thinking

we should do something today.

- What? - Like...

- go to the cinema, watch a film. - Mm.

Go and get some more food.

What food?

Go to the Chicken Shop.

Okay.

- You like the Chicken Shop? - Yeah.

Then we can come back...

and then I can...

What's that?

What's that?

- It's the... - No what?

- The Slider. - The Slider.

Yeah, it's time for the Slider.

You need to work on your moves.

- You know I can always use the Slider. - You need to work on your Slider.

Your Slider's dead.

- You said the Slider was good. - Mmm.

That's not what you were saying.

I faked it.

What?

You faked it?

I'm so sorry.

Stop it.

- Were you faking that now as well? - Yeah.