Malcolm in the Middle

"..break free of the atmosphere, a rocket ship must attain speeds

of 25,000mph." Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed

in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!

You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first,

but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now

we're on a planet spinning at 1,000mph. That's rotational velocity.

We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000mph. The solar system

is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.

Wee-ee-ee-ee!

# Life is unfair! #

'(RUSTLING)'

Did you hear that? Firing jets, Captain.

Somebody's breaking in! I'll do it in the morning.

'(BANGING)' What was that?

Oh, my God! Hal! I'll get him, Lois!

Ah! Argh!

Got him!

What would've happened if Reese didn't knock him out?

He would've seen our TV and stereo and known he'd made a mistake. Let go of my arm!

He came through the window right in front of us! I can't explain it.

It was like we were paralysed. My son Reese came in swinging this bat!

He saved us all! Yeah, it's a good thing Reese got to him before I did.

And, er, where were you, sir? I was in bed. Trapped in bed.

My wife insists on tucking in the corners.

I mean, really tucking them in!

I saw his head. It looked like a fat pitch sitting over the plate.

If only there were more kids like you

our streets would be a lot safer. Thanks. You look familiar.

Did you ever participate in our ride-along programme? Sorta.

It's like being in a straitjacket! You twist, and twist, and you can't

shake the damn sheets loose! The important thing is we caught him.

Let me show you. Follow me to the bedroom and I'll tuck you in. Sir!

You don't tuck in police officers.

Craig, I got your lunch. Sorry I'm late. I picked up the burgers.

I had to drive across town to get your chicken from Nugget World!

I thought you said you wanted to help me lead a normal life!

Did you get the extra mayo? Yes! From which place?

When are you getting a nurse? Well, it's just that I've been so busy

with having my arms and legs broken when your kid's dog chased me

out in traffic(!) I can't sleep knowing the trauma my cat suffers

staying at mother's. And all the forehead sticks I used learning to go to the bathroom.

Craig, the insurance company gave you money for a nurse! Oh, Lois,

poor, sweet, money-wasting Lois. I've got something better.

Oliver!

Oh, my God! It's a monkey! It's a helper monkey.

They're highly trained. They donate them to the permanently disabled.

You're not permanently disabled!

Craig, I am not taking care of you and a wild animal! It's not a wild animal.

It's a capuchin monkey. They're nature's butlers.

I've got a good one, too. His brother worked for Stephen Hawking.

When was the last time this thing was cleaned?

This is the worst job in the world!

Why do we put up with this? I'm still paying off law school.

Everybody, clear out. You're fired. What?! The camp's closing.

They cut down the last tree. Anyone want a picture with it?

A mining company bought the land. You gotta leave today.

We're out without notice?! It's the circle of life here.

They cut down the trees, then the mining company strips the land.

Then they'll turn what's left into a nuclear waste dump

to wean ourselves from our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to move back in with my parents.

They gave me a tour of the station! The mirrors in the interrogation room are two-way!

It's good thing they didn't have that before!

"For heroism and meritorious action." I'm so proud of you!

Dewey, are you gonna be able to go to sleep now? You saw all the policemen

and how strong the bars are! Yeah, but - And the police station

is too big for a helicopter to carry it away to a hideout under the sea!

But - No buts, Dewey! That guy is in a jail cell. He's not going anywhere.

With our legal system, he's probably back on the streets right now. Dewey!

Mom, Dad, this has got me thinking. Usually those cops are throwing me

in the back of their squad cars. But today they were clapping for me.

You're a real hero! It was really cool! Protecting you guys!

Saving your lives. Thanks again. It's made me realise

for the first time in my life I know what my purpose is.

I think I've found my calling. Mom, Dad, I wanna be a pig.

'Go... to sleep!'

I'm still scared. Read me a story.

Please?

I've already read you every book in this place. Please?

"Aardvark, a burrowing mammal of Southern Africa."

"Myocardium, the muscle tissue of the heart."

It's alright! It's alright!

It was me turning off the light. Where are ya?

I knew you'd be back!

Come on, you sonofa-!

Sorry.

Go back to sleep.

Come and go.

It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding!

It's Larry who should've gotten the spin-off show, not the Ropers.

Huh, Oliver? (CHUCKLES) Oh, Lois, you're not drinking your tea.

Oliver, Lois takes sugar in her tea. One lump.

I usually like to thank him when he does something right.

Um,... thank you, Oliver. Isn't he amazing?

He makes the bed, does dishes, even changes his own diaper! Oliver!

Temple massage.

Ahhh!

Ah! This is about as good as it gets!

Lois, you want some of this? I have to go!

Ahh! Ahhhh! He's like a frail geisha. (CHILDREN CHATTER)

Chah-bloogh! Hey, what's going on here?

We're playin'. It's getting a little loud. This is a nice neighbourhood.

Let's keep it that way.

Stay in school.

Hey! Where are your helmets? That's not safe! Who the hell are you?!

Ouch!

Ow!

See? You should be more careful. Play safe. Be smart.

Did you get the job? It was a dumb idea auditioning for a cruise ship.

What kind of piano player can't play Cabaret?! This is useless!

We have to go where there's work! No! Something will come up.

(We're not here!) What?! We know you're in there!

What's wrong? We served your eviction notice 30 days ago.

You must leave. What? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's not happening!

The tribal council made a deal. You're getting a settlement.

Part of a settlement. One-fifteenth of your property is on tribal land.

We'll live in the other part of the house. You can't do that.

This area's gonna be an arsenic containment-basin.

Nobody's stealing my property! Let's just all cool down.

Er, you may actually not wanna touch her. Don't tell me how to do my job.

Alright, missy, let's get one thing straight.

What time is it? Ah, damn!

It's too dark to see my Rolex!

No matter, I'll just take out the maximum amount

and everything will be fine. Yeah, that ought to do it.

Now, where did I park my Bentley?

Damn, my inability to see in the dark! Hey!

Can I help you with something?

Your money's hanging out of your pocket. This is a bad neighbourhood!

Thank you.

Ohh, that lasagne smells good! It took you long enough.

Did you have to fly to Italy to get it? Never mind. Let's dig in.

Argh! Ohh! Hah! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Let's just let it cool down a little bit. Ow! Oh!

What is this? (SPLUTTERS)

Oh, hot! Tongue! Please, God, no! Water!

Water! Good monkey!

Closer. Closer!

Ahh! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!