The Exes

Eden, where have you been?

Haskell's gonna be here any second.

Thank you, I love my new bag too.

What are you talking about?

Nobody said anything about your bag.

Oh, it's the latest design by Ken Phillips.

It's stylish, yet affordable.

I don't know how I ever lived without it.

What the hell is going on with you?

Eden, fess up.

Are you flying on X?

No.

I'm a taste-maker.

I get paid to create word of mouth about cool new products.

Nice. How do I get a job like that?

Be cuter and hipper.

And feel how soft the leather is.

Yeah, my friend, Rihanna, has it in all four eye-catching colors.

There he is!

- Hey! - The man of the hour!

Haskell, have a seat.

- It's your day, brother. - Congratulations.

I'm so happy for you, honey.

Me too, me too, buddy.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

Oh, boy.

You know, you pray for a moment like this for years,

but you never think it'll happen in your lifetime.

And then one day, your dreams come true

and some dumb schmuck marries your ex-wife.

To no more alimony.

No more alimony!

Ahh.

Why, in two short hours, Mark will be standing at city hall

where a judge will remove the financial anchor from my neck,

and lovingly hang it on the man of my dreams.

I just hope that somewhere in this city

there's a man like that for me.

I must say, when the day comes that my ex-wife gets remarried,

it's gonna be a tad bittersweet.

That's because, my sackless friend...

You weren't married to a loathsome, vindictive,

big-haired, gum-chewing she-beast.

Come on.

He is not exaggerating.

One time, after a heated settlement conference,

she wrote, "die, bitch, die" on my windshield

in what I thought was red lipstick until it clotted.

Oh, my.

Haskell, why in the world

did you marry her in the first place?

Well, she wasn't always that way.

I mean, when I was a pro bowler tearing up the alleys,

she adored me.

It was a whirlwind life of tournaments,

air-conditioned motels, and toilet seats

sanitized for your protection.

That was Camelot and she was my queen.

But when the glory days ended,

the loving look in her eyes went with 'em.

Look, you guys, it's a celebration.

- That's right. - Yeah.

It is. You're absolutely right.

Because after today, Haskell,

No, no, it's too soon for the no-alimony dance.

I don't wanna jinx it.

Come on, Haskell. Have a little fun.

- That's right. - You earned it.

Never again!

You don't gotta pay!

Not the week after that!

Hold on.

Hello?

Haskell Lutz.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, what?

Margo's cab was in an accident on the way to the wedding.

Oh.

Is she...

Oh, she survived.

What? Okay.

Okay, I'm coming.

Margo's in the hospital.

She wants to see me.

- Why you? - I don't know.

But the next time I say, "don't make me dance,"

don't make me dance!

Margo?

Oh, hi, Haskell.

So, uh, you were in an accident, huh?

Yeah, that's what they tell me.

I hope you weren't too worried.

Eh.

Uh, but you're okay?

Well, I am now that my sweetie's here.

Where? Did I...

You, you big idiot.

Get over here and give your wife a kiss.

Wife?

Hello, Mrs. Lutz.

- How are you feeling? - Better.

Now that I got my face on.

You know, I gotta look hot for my hubby.

Code blue, doctor, code blue.

That's a heart attack, Mr. Lutz.

I know. I'm having one.

What's going on?

Margo's calling me her husband.

I've been divorced from that nightmare for years.

Unfortunately, when Mrs. Lutz hit her head in the accident,

she suffered some memory loss.

I hear you, doc.

Let me go set this wacko straight.

No, no, no, no.

It's a delicate situation.

She can't have any shocks.

She was on her way to get married.

Where's that boob?

I have no idea, Mr. Lutz.

You're the only one she asked for.

You know, I hear in situations like this

sometimes another bonk on the head will straighten things out.

You got some kind of medical hammer lying around?

Look, chances are her memory will eventually return.

But until then, you'll just have to play along.

What do you mean "play along"?

Come on, Haskell.

They said I could leave whenever I'm ready.

Let's go home, baby.

You take the elevator.

I'll take the window.

- Oh. - Ooh.

- Hey. - How'd it go with Margo?

Yeah, what happened?

I'm in hell. That's what happened.

Margo hit her head in the accident.

She lost her memory.

She still thinks she's married to me.

You got a dance for that, Phil?

Now I got an ex-wife in the hallway

with a fried circuit board.

She's here?

May I remind you, when she wrote

"die, bitch, die," I'm the bitch she was talking about?

I had no choice.

Look, all I gotta do is track down her fiance

and then I'll give her the heave-ho.

But in the meantime, whatever she says, just play along.

The doctor said no shocks.

Hey, Stuart, you still have that mace

you carry when you jog?

No, now I just speed-walk with a flashlight and a whistle.

Ooh! Fancy-schmancy.

- When did we move here? - Uh...

You bought it for me with your winnings, didn't you?

That's right. Surprise.

Who are they?

Uh, that's Holly. She's my lawyer.

Yeah. You don't remember me?

- Should I? - No, no, no, no. No.

- Holly lives right across... - Town.

Gotta go. See ya.

And, uh, that's Phil.

He's my, uh, agent.

Sure, why not?

Well, just so we're clear,

Haskell Lutz only plays major tournaments

- and no jerkwater towns. - Gotcha.

If it ain't got an olive garden, we ain't interested.

- And who's this? - Oh, hi, I'm... I'm Stuart.

- His dentist. - Ah.

Yeah?

Well, if you ever put me under,

I better not wake up with my dress on inside out.

What? L...

Okay, okay, relax, Dexter.

I'm just bustin' your apple basket.

Anyway, it was very nice meeting you guys,

but it's been a very long day, so nighty-night.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you... Are you asking us to leave?

Well, I don't mean to be rude, but why you still here?

Haskell?

Sorry, guys, but I'm afraid you have to go.

Very afraid.

What's up? You're kicking us out?

Well, just for the night until I find her fiance.

What about my new memory foam mattress?

It was just starting to learn my contours.

Haskell, get back in here.

Coming.

Pray for me.

Son of a...

Come on, Haskell, sit down, take a load off.

Uh, can't.

I-I gotta make some calls.

I'm... I'm trying to get rid of some damaged goods.

Ugh, Hasky, please.

Oh, all... all right, okay.

All right, okay.

Just for a minute.