Kirstie

Kirstie is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

- You were wonderful. - Both: Thank you.

Both: She meant me.

Thank you for coming.

- Can I get a picture? - Over here, Madison!

- Frank speaking. - Maddie freezing.

Where the hell are you, Frank? It's 10 degrees out here.

I can't feel my face, and it's not the Botox.

I'm two minutes away. I just got a little held up.

Frank, you're not taking people on tours in the backseat of my car again, are you?

No, I'm stuck in traffic, right in front of the fabulous Radio City Music Hall,

home of the world-famous Rockettes.

- Frank! - I'm gonna be there in a minute.

Should I pick you up anything at the world-renowned Carnegie Deli?

Frank, you listen to me. I want you here when I'm ready.

Bring me a corned beef.

Oh, oh, that's my phone. That's my phone!

Ow, my eyes!

Why would you pepper-spray me? I was just giving it back to you.

You weren't pepper-sprayed. You were Chanel-ed.

You're Madison Banks, right?

That depends. Are you litigious?

No, but I'm pretty sure I'm the kid you gave up for adoption 26 years ago.

Ow, son of a bitch!

Season 1, Episode 1 "Pilot"

- Thelma, Thelma. - Relax.

Frank called, and he told me you were bringing home a guest.

I set the lights in your room to make you look as alluring as possible.

They're off.

No, no, Thelma, something really weird happened.

Whoa, not bad.

You're what they call back home "lottery rich."

This is your date?

You're seeing the eye doctor tomorrow.

Hi, I'm Arlo. Arlo Barth.

I'm Thelma Katz, Miss Banks' personal assistant.

Oh, sorry.

My hands get real sweaty when I'm nervous.

- Actually, all of me does. - Oh.

Don't touch my back.

Arlo, Arlo, come here.

Why don't you go in the kitchen?

My personal chef will make you anything you want.

You have a personal chef, a driver, and an assistant?

You're like a white Oprah.

Did you tell her yet? Isn't it incredible?

Tell me what?

That kid who came in with her, he came out of her.

Okay, hold it.

You mean, that schmiel in the kitchen...

That's the baby you gave up for...

Whoa, wait a minute.

Thelma knew that you had a kid that you gave up for adoption,

but you didn't tell me?

- What gives? - Frank, you're my driver.

We have a professional relationship.

Professional?

I cut you out of your spanx every night in that car.

Maddie, that kid you brought home,

he just told me he's the one you gave up for adoption.

Oh, the cook knows too.

Well, apparently, I'm good enough

to hold your weed in the airport but not your secrets.

God, I'm hyperventilating.

Thelma, do that thing you do to calm me down.

- What thing? - With the glass and the alcohol.

This isn't happening. Maybe it's not even him, right?

I don't know. He's got your boobs.

Just calm down, okay? Let's just figure this out.

We gonna kill him?

Why would we kill him?

Well, I'm just saying I used to drive for 50 Cent.

I know how this movie goes.

Oh, oh, here you are. I got lost and ended up in a workout room.

I have a workout room?

So, Arlo, let me see how I can put this delicately.

Are you some scumbag con man looking for a quick payday?

Look, I get it. You want proof.

I figured you would. Here are the papers.

I didn't even know I was adopted.

I just found them in my mother's things after she passed away last month.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Say something nice.

Dead mom? What are you gonna do?

Would you excuse us for a sec?

I can't believe she has a kid.

So what's she like? Is she a cool boss?

Both: Eh.

- Whoa, whoa, is that... - Chill, brother, it's medicinal.

Don't tell your mother, but I'm half blind.

Oh, please, let it not be him.

I don't know the first thing about raising a child.

Although I did play Mary Poppins to rave reviews.

I hate to tell you, Maddie, but these adoption papers look legit.

"I relinquish all rights to my child.

Love and light, Madison Banks."

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It can't be him.

Look at me. I'm pretty.

Oh, wait a minute. I just remembered something.

The baby had a very specific birthmark.

Great. Where is it?

Yes, sir, that's your baby.

Oh, my God, you are him.

This is blowing my mind.

You're my biological mother.

You know, I think we have the same nose.

Not unless we have the same surgeon.

Oh, before I forget, I've got something for you.

Oh, my God, this is his revenge. He's got a gun!

No, it's just a gift I made.

Oh.

Boo!

He's twisted. I like him.

I'll just open this a little later.

So are you into Civil War reenactments?

I do those, like, once a month.

At the battle of Gettysburg, I played dead for 13 hours.

The trick? Eyes open, no blinking.

Yeah, exactly like that.

You know, Arlo, I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for.

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?

Yeah. Why'd you give me up?

At least he didn't ask for a kidney.

I figured you got pregnant in high school and were too young to handle a child,

so with tears in your eyes, you made the toughest decision of your life.

Close.

I was 24, and I'd just been offered the lead in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ,

and I wanted to be a star.

But with tears in my eyes,

I made the toughest decision of my life.

Oh, and my father?

Oh, could have been any number of guys

in a summer stock production of Jesus Christ Superstar.

- Any number? - Well, not any number.

There were only 12 apostles.

So, Arlo, tell us about you.

Well, I live in Trenton, New Jersey, and I work at The Glazed Hole.

Is that a gay bar?

The gays love me.

No, it's a doughnut shop.

Doughnuts love her too.

So that's it?

That's your life, working at the glazed hole?

I guess.

I mean, not everyone's meant to be a star.

Some people just live and then die.

Oh, Arlo, look.

I had a lot of doors slammed in my face when I was starting out.

My Tony...

Is that the right position?

Perfect.

But what I'm saying is that I believed in myself.

I knew I had something inside me.

Like she said, it could have been any number of guys.

The point is that Wednesday night,

I am opening in my 14th Broadway show,

and I didn't have to sleep with anyone for the last five.

Yeah, five.

I've never even been to a Broadway show before.

Do you think I could come and see it?

Um...

Oh, and I was wondering if next week,

you wanted to come out to Newark to watch me in the battle of Chancellorsville.

Newark...?

And I know it's a long shot, but since you're a celebrity,

I was hoping maybe you could pull a couple strings

and get us on Family Feud.

Oh, Arlo, I'm gonna be really, really busy

with this play for a while, so you know what?

Why don't we just stay in touch?

- Oh, um, okay. - Okay.

Oh, and if you have any more questions for me, here's my autobiography.

- Well, uh, thanks. - Take care.

You're unbelievable.

You treated him like he was one of your fans.

That is your kid.

That chapter of my life was over long ago.

I'm not revisiting it.

You know, I still remember the day that I handed him over to the social worker,

and I kept thinking to myself,

this is when you can change your mind and take him back.

And I didn't.

I'm not a mother.

Mm, excuse me.

- Hey! - Holy crap.

- Thelma, it's back. - The herpes?

No, Arlo. He's here. And these are my best friends.

It's not the time for a sweaty, doughnut-making skeleton

to fall out of my closet.

Maybe he hasn't lit the world on fire yet,