The Odd Couple

Felix (from other room): Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's it, that's it.

Almost there.

Oh, God, yes!

Yes...

that's the spot.

I thought I heard sex noises, but this is equally disturbing.

I'm shooting an ad campaign for a restaurant chain.

Wouldn't you like to try this delicious sundae?

- I'd love to. - You can't.

It's not edible... it's a little bit

of food-styling trickery. You see,

the ice cream is actually just lard,

and the chocolate sauce is motor oil.

Later, I have to dispose of the sundae at Pep Boys.

This is so exciting. I love learning

all the little behind-the-scenes tricks.

If you really find it interesting, I could use some help.

I have some money in the budget. Do you think Oscar

could spare his assistant for the day?

This is actually my day off.

I'm just here for the free WI-FI.

Great! You can help me with the hamburger photo.

Oh.

Step one: select the perfect bun.

Now, our featured bun must be perfectly symmetrical

with a golden crust.

Okay.

It doesn't shy away from attention, but it knows

it's not the center of the sandwich.

Got it. Oh!

It's the kind of bun that's comfortable at a bar, or a Bar Mitzvah.

I'm done.

Yeah, you can talk all you want... you're paying me.

That I am.

- Good luck. - Oh!

- Hey, Felix. - Oh, gentlemen. Welcome home.

- How was Atlantic City? - It was all kind of a blur.

Lots of drinking and gambling and bouncers shouting,

"No touching."

When I drink bourbon, I like to touch people's... teeth.

At least you got to drink.

This juice cleanse is killing me.

It's killing all of us... you smell like a hamster cage.

All right, Oscar, it's time for me to be your agent again.

You had your fun, but now it's time to...

Drink beer in my underwear?

Sit your ass down and start writing that book.

Wow, I wasn't even close.

Oscar, you're writing another book? That's wonderful.

Oh, it's no big deal... I'm just ghostwriting

this autobiography for a retired baseball player.

I just crank 'em out and make some fast cash.

Oh, yeah, he does work fast.

He goes through those books

like seaweed through a human colon.

I miss solid food so much.

Yeah, I could use a nap. Do you mind if I crash here?

My wife thinks I'm still in Atlantic City, and...

I'd like to keep it that way.

I'm gonna be kind of busy, Roy.

Yeah, okay. You know, I can... I can just sleep in the park.

Yeah. At the park,

no one nags you, or says they've lost

all sexual desire because your body feels,

quote, "like a bag of wet sand dipped in hair."

Take a nap here, Roy.

All right.

Your friend drops an emotional bomb like that

and you just let him walk away?

- That's the polite thing to do. - Absolutely.

Can't you see, he's got some

deep-seated feelings that need to be dug into.

No, no, no, no. Don't dig. You always do that.

- What are you talking about? - You treat every conversation

like it's therapy.

You root around people's heads

and get them all mixed up.

: 18 therapists in 15 years...

I think I know a little bit about psychology.

Not everybody wants to share the painful details of their lives.

Oh, really?

Heard of Facebook?

I found the perfect buns.

I thought it was your day off?

I'm helping Felix with a project.

Ah, yes, Dani, very nice. I like this one.

Now we just have to modulate

the clumping of these sesame seeds.

Why have they all congregated over here?

What do these seeds know that these seeds don't know?

I will get you tweezers.

And I will get you pliers

to remove the stick from his ass.

There he is. Hey, Murph.

I see you brought some writing juice.

Yeah. Sorry I'm late.

This girl recognized me at the liquor store.

Guess she's a big baseball fan.

So I had to stop and do the whole polite meet a fan thing.

You slept with her.

Yeah.

Marcus Murphy does not kiss and tell.

Well, she does. It's trending on Twitter.

"Made it to home base with Marcus Murphy.

#bestsexever #majorleaguepenis"

Hey, it was a team effort.

We're all just out there trying to have the best sex we can.

Or any sex we can.

So, how's our book coming?

Great. I haven't started it yet,

but I know everything there is to know about your career.

Seven all-star teams, three Gold Gloves,

two sex tapes; both went platinum.

Yeah.

I can't take all the credit.

Those girls showed a lot of hustle.

Just passing through. Hello.

Pretend I'm not here.

Murph, this is Felix.

He's not here.

What are you, some kind of photographer?

Hmm, technically, I am many kinds of photographer.

Currently, I am doing some commercial work.

Although, my first love is portraiture,

or as I call it, illuminating the soul.

He's gonna keep talking as long

as you keep making eye contact.

Yes, any portrait can tell you what a person looks like,

but by manipulating color and light and shadow,

I can tell you who a person is.

Whoa. Whoa, hey, Oscar,

don't we need a picture of me for the book flap?

I'm thinking casual setting, natural light.

Felix, I have a deadline.

I can't keep wasting time.

I've got work to do.

Oh, there's my lunch.

All right, you guys have ten minutes.

Oh, no, I've got to call my bookie.

You guys have 20 minutes!

Just see what I'm working with here.

Oh, yes, yes.

Structure's good. Okay.

Photoshop will take care of that little scar on the earlobe.

How can you see that? It's so tiny.

Oh, as a professional, I'm trained to notice

the most minute detail.

In fact, tell whoever gave you that hickey

she's got a loose crown.

Pickup for Madison.

Oh, hey, neighbor.

- I thought this might be for you. - Yep.

I'm sure you're wondering why I got a job here.

Not really.

Well, my jewelry business hasn't really taken off yet.

You know, it started as just a-a hobby,

something I did for "mad money".

But now I need to make "rent money,"

so... (chuckles) look at me!

I'm a working girl.

Scrappy working girl in the city.

Plus, it's free advertising for my designs.

So it's all good.

No, it's all great.

I'm sorry, what did you ask?

I didn't.

Oh.

Oh, I forgot your utensils.

I will be right back.

Oh!

Living the dream.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

Back straight, chin out, like a proud meerkat.

Yes, yes.

Who's that coming?

Oh, it's my friend the gazelle.

Yeah?

Huh, that is an interesting expression.

Uh, sorry, I just don't know what a gazelle looks like,

so I'm picturing a skinny moose.

No, it's not that.

It just, it looks like you're pondering something.

I guess I'm thinking about the book.

What about it?

I don't know. It just seems so weird

to have your whole life

boiled down to stats and game scores.

Yes.

Interesting. Anyone ever tell you

that you have unexpected depth?

My English teacher, Ms. Russell,

said something like that in high school.

At first, I thought she was just trying to get into my pants,

but it turns out, she also liked my poetry.

Poet, I knew it.

The camera does not lie.

Ah, I messed around a little bit.

I really enjoyed it, but my dad said it was stupid,

and that I had to focus on baseball.