Jersey Shore Massacre

I can't believe we gotta do this shit, man.

This thing's been in the ground three fuckin' months.

- You know what it's gonna smell like? - Yeah, I know.

Stop bitching and let's just get this thing outta here.

I remember about 10 years ago, I had to do the same shit.

I almost died from the fucking stench.

Oh, God.

Here.

All right. Let's do this.

Oh, fuck. I'm gonna break my neck out here.

- Hey, Danny. How much further? - Not far... just keep walking.

- What the fuck? - What is that?

Do you think some kind of animal or something could have did this?

How the fuck is an animal gonna dig a hole like that?

Louie, gimme that flashlight. Carmine.

- What? - Come here.

Go down and see if there is anything there.

- Cock. - Thank you.

Louie, help me out. I'm not a fucking kangaroo.

There ain't nothing down here. And I don't smell nothing neither.

Really, Carmine? You don't smell a rat down there?

- Big "V" sends his regards. - Louie! Louie, Louie, Louie!

Let's bury the rat and just get the fuck outta here.

I don't even know where the fuck we are.

Why'd we have to come all the way out here to do this?

We've been burying pricks like this out here for years.

If these woods could only talk, we'd all be in the can.

Who's over there?

Danny, look out!

Danny, no!

That is so pretty, you're gonna look so hot.

Pull it down, you don't wanna give away the milk for free.

It'll get so much lighter with the sun.

You have such a nice butt, like J.Lo.

Right here.

- Can somebody pick up the phone? - Why don't you answer the phone, bitch?

Don't you dare call her bitch.

I'll shove this curling iron right up your fat fucking ass, bitch.

I'll get the phone.

A Touch of Class, Teresa speaking. Hold on... Ricardo.

It's for you. He says that his name is Monty.

Ugh.

Excuse me. Who do you think you are, calling me at work?

Oh, no, and don't ever call me again! Yech! Ay, Dios mio.

- I like this outfit... - Who's Monty?

Oh, some pig I met online last night. We were chatting for just 10 minutes

and he expects me to drive to his place at 1:00 a.m.

I said, "No, you can't just pick up the phone

"and send for me in the middle of the night. What do you think I am, Pizza Slut?"

Mira , I have a picture of the slob.

- Ugh. - Is it the full Monty?

Yeah, that's the pig.

He's cute. Should have called me last night. I deliver.

Listen, honey, unless your pizza has pepperoni,

don't even bother heating up your oven.

Come on, Dina. I want to beat the traffic.

All done. Let me just get my things.

Where the hell are you two going?

Down the shore for a girls' weekend of sun and sin.

Maybe the two of youse can either drown

or get eaten by a shark and make it a holiday for all of us.

Heh, or who knows? Maybe we'll find a beached whale and name her Christy.

Oh, sounds like fun. And while you're looking for Mr. Right,

Dina can sample all the Mr. Right Nows.

You said it, not me.

- Whatever. - I'm out of here.

I just kidding... you know you fabulous.

- You look so pretty. You look so good. - I tell her that every time.

It's like a shelf up here. They just hold up.

I don't know how she does it.

- I made it! - Hey!

- Mwah! - Hey!

- Oh, you're not working today, Gigi. - You got that right.

Oh, chica, you too? Wait, am I the only girl not going?

- Next time, we'll invite you, I promise. - What am I gonna do this weekend?

- Aww. - I don't know.

Maybe you should ask Monty.

You get out of here, you... Good-bye.

Hello, Monty?

Yes, I'll taste your chorizo.

Come on!

Come on, Gigi, let's go!

All right, Dina, she's coming, she's coming.

Come on, Gigi, we want to beat the traffic.

Okay, Seaside Heights, here we come!

Michael, what are you doing here?

I was just driving by, and I saw your mother drop you off. Where you going?

Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going down the shore to see the girls.

Well, I might be there too. So maybe we should all hook up.

That is so not happening, Michael.

I just don't want you going down the shore with a car full of single girls.

Would you rather I go in a car full of single guys?

Don't be stupid, Gigi, you know you're still my girl. Show me a little love.

It's not happening, Michael! Now, go do something with Tony and Fat Angelo,

- and I'll call you on Monday. - So it's like that?

- Yeah, Michael, it's exactly like that! - Yeah, it's like that.

- Dina! - What... he's a dick.

- Dina! - Hey, fuck you, Dina!

Yeah, fuck all youse! You're gonna regret this day, Gigi. Remember I said that.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Means drop dead!

Fuck off, Michael!

- What the fuck, Gigi? - I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I mean, one minute, I think I love him, and then the next,

I wanna knock his fucking head off and throw it in the river.

- Like right now? - Yes, I think so.

But he really is sweet, though, don't youse think?

- So are you single or what? - Yeah, right now, I am.

You don't see no fucking ring on my finger, do you?

No, but if you really think that there's a chance

for you and Michael, don't go hooking up with every guy in New Jersey

just to prove to yourself you're single.

Fuck you, Dina!

No, no, no, no, no... I'm with Gigi.

Until you're married, you do whatever the hell you want

with whoever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want,

'cause guess what, Teresa? Life's just too fuckin' short.

Okay... next topic. When are the girls meeting us down in Seaside?

Uh, Joanne said that she, Candi, and Val left Brooklyn almost an hour ago,

and that Val's cousin Rosemarie can't make it till tomorrow night.

So in other words, they could have stopped for hot dogs.

Or they're banging three guidos at a turnpike rest stop.

Eww.

Oh, my God, speak of the fucking devil.

- Almost fucking killed us. - Oh, my God.

You should have seen the old man's face at the toll booth. He was so funny, ha!

- Put your tops back on and follow us. - Yeah, Jersey Shore!

Are you sure this is the right house, Dina?

Yeah, I'm fuckin' sure.

Come on.

Hello? What do you think you're doing here?

Excuse me? This is our rental.

- What are you doing here? - Nice try, chonga.

This is our house, so get the hell out. Take your little rat dog with you.

Who are you calling chonga, bruja?

Don't be scared, Pico. I won't let her eat you.

I'm calling all of youse chonga. And I'm calling the owner right now.

You no have to call, okay? He lives right there, and I just gave him our check.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

We'll see about that. Girls.

Well... Hello there, ladies.

I'm Ronnie... what can I do you for?

Yeah, Ronnie, we spoke on the phone a month ago

to confirm our reservation for the house this weekend.

Oh, yeah! Your friend just gave me a check, so we're cool.

- Romero, right? - No... Romano.

Dina Romano, you idiot.

Romano. You're not all together?

Uh, give me a minute. Don't go away... hold on, just wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here it is. You're Romano. They're Romero.

You're two different parties. That explains everything.

Fine... so can you get those chongas out of our house,

so we can finally shower and unpack?

I'm afraid I can't do that, and here's why. You see,

I already gave them the keys, and then now they take over the house.

That's the law. See, the house is not mine, it's theirs.

I know it's a little peculiar, but it's how they do it in Jersey.

Now that every house and hotel are booked, where are we supposed to go?

Nice going, Ronnie. You managed to fuck us all.

Hold on... hold on, hold on. Why don't you guys just stay here with me?

Excuse me?

Look, I can find ways of keeping you girls reasonably...

- entertained. - Ugh!

I'll take that as a no. Or I'll take it as a maybe.

Their loss. Okay, pot, it's you and me.

That bitch think she's better than me just because she has fake tits. Huh!

I don't speak Mexican or Puerto Rican, but I know they definitely talking about us.

Fuckin' nightmare.

Hold on a second. I'll be right back.

If that chonga gives me one more look, I swear, I'm gonna fuck her up.

Who would believe that someone could screw something up so bad?

- Are you trying to say this is my fault? - Well, whose fault is it?

Oh, my God, your little fucking rat dog just pissed on my fucking leg!

Thanks for telling me. I gotta go now and disinfect his pee pee.

Oh, my God, you're the best! Thank you! Thank you!

Uh-huh.

Ugh!

- Everybody back in the car. - Where are we going?

- My Uncle Vito's house. - Where's that?

About 15 miles west of here.

Do any of youse have a napkin?

Follow us.

Whoo!

Kiss my ass, chonga!

Gnaw on some meat?

Do they even know where we're going, or are we just lost?

I'll tell you right now, we're going straight back to Brooklyn

if she thinks we're staying at a fucking campsite all weekend.

Your news for Ocean County.

Human remains were found today in the Pine Barrens section of New Jersey.

According to detectives, the victims were alleged members of the Rubino crime family.

Details of how this will affect the upcoming trial of Big "V" Rubino, coming up.

- Wow. - This ain't no campsite.

Where the hell are we?

We're right at the edge of the Pine Barrens, that's where we are.

So where's this Uncle Vito?

He's at his home in Staten Island. If he tries leaving the house,

his ankle bracelet beeps, the cops come, and he could be put in jail.

So he's under house arrest? I mean, what did he do?