Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut

Were you at the, uh, White House final party?

Yes! I was at the White-- Everybody was there.

It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House…

-You been to the White House? - Yes.

-It's amazing. - It's unbelievable.

You walk in, you see these humongous portraits

of the presidents everywhere you go, right?

So I'm there, and it's me, and Ahmir is there,

and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve…

It's like I died and went to Black heaven, right?

- -

-They were all… - Something to see.

It was unbelievable. There were a few white people there, too.

But, uh… A couple… Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway…

Somebody… Katie Couric or something. And…

-They had a couple. - Sure.

There's a lot more now, I'll tell you that.

And…

So…

- It's a lot more now. - Yeah.

And they had entertainment--

You're sitting around, you're meeting people,

and you mingle. First you mingle.

And at one point,

it's me and Michelle Obama just talking.

I'm not really supposed to be alone with Michelle Obama.

It's not really my lane. I don't know how to talk politics.

And Michelle Obama's like,

"I don't know what we're gonna do. The country…"

We're talking about election and stuff.

"I don't know what's gonna happen. This is such a crazy time."

And I go, "You'll be aight."

That's… I literally said that.

I said that to Michelle. I said, "You'll be aight."

- To the First Lady. -And then I said,

"You know… you'll get any kind of job you want."

"I mean, The View, The Housewives of Atlanta."

And she goes…

And Michelle Obama looks at me and is like,

"I was talking about the country."

-"I wasn't talking about me." -The Housewives of Atlanta.

"I was talking about the country."

And I'd never felt so stupid in my life.

It's like my GED flared up, you know?

And she gives me a look like, "Who let this nigga in my house?"

She didn't say that, but that's what the look was like.

And then she goes, "Oprah, I gotta talk to you."

And she runs away from me, and then I'm feeling dumb.

I'm like, "Okay, I gotta find some people as dumb as me."

I gotta find my intelligence,

so I'm like, "Okay, where the athletes at?" Right?

"Where are the athletes?" Then I see Charles Barkley like,

"Ah, my nigga." Right?

So…

I see Charles Barkley, we talk for a minute, right?

And then they ring a bell, and you gotta go watch the entertainment.

So it's me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z

going to this room to watch the entertainment.

First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock,

and he was amazing, like…

Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches the mic from Herbie Hancock, right?

And starts playing his stuff and puts some extra blind in it.

You know what I mean? Like, puts some, like…

Puts some extra…

You know what I mean?

-So Stevie… - Check please.

You know, 'cause Stevie…

Stevie's been in the White House more than most presidents.

So when he acts like he don't know where he's going, he's lying, right?

He's been there for nine presidents, right?

So…

So Stevie's playing and me and Jay-Z get sad,

'cause we realize we're never gonna play the White House.

- Yeah. -I mean, he's never gonna be like…

-That's never gonna happen. - I don't see it.

That's not gonna happen. Not with one…

-We're only on first Black president. - That's right.

Black President 12, there might be a Wu-Tang reunion,

but not… Not…

-Not now. - Not now. Not gonna happen.

Not while we're in the single digits of Black presidents, right?

So…

Then the party started,

and Quest starts playing music, and it's amazing.

And we're dancing and it's a bunch of Black people dancing our asses off.

It is amazing. In this place… In a place that slaves made.

Okay? In a house that slaves--

Black people enjoying the White House, man.

Just amazing. And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas

saying goodbye to people and everything.

And as I'm walking out the White House,

I look up on the wall and I see a picture of George Washington

with a bloody tear coming out of his eye.

It's like…

Chris Rock!

["Backseat Freestyle" by Kendrick Lamar playing]

Yeah.

Please. Oh, sit down.

Sit your asses down.

Please let me get on with this show.

It's nice to be here in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, where I'm from.

Bed-Stuy, do or die.

Right? Home of Biggie and Jay.

Yes, I'm back. I'm in the neighborhood.

You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same.

I'm walking around, looking around today, and I wonder…

You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid

just to make it look good.

You would think that every couple of months,

they'd look at their dead nigga calendar and go,

"Oh, my God. We're up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick."

"Which one?"

"Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B."

That's right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world

with real equality.

I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids

are shot every month.

An equal world.

I wanna see white mothers on TV crying,

standing next to Al Sharpton…

talking about, "We need justice for Chad."

"We need justice for Chad."

"He was just coming home from racquetball practice."

"No justice, no quiche."

I know some people, like, "Come on, Chris."

"You're going too hard on the cops, man."

"You're a celebrity. I'm sure they'd let you go."

"I'm sure they're nice to you. You're a celebrity."

Yeah, I'm famous, you know.

But I'm not like Michael Jackson famous.

I'm not famous from miles away.

My fame kicks in right about here.

When the cops see me walking down the street,

they're like, "Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga."

"Hey, that's Chris Rock!"

"Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man."

It's weird, man. It's weird.

This whole thing with the cops, man.

'Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man.

I have a weird relationship with the cops, man.

Like on one hand, I'm a Black man, so I'm like, "Fuck the police."

And on the other hand, I own property.

If somebody comes and breaks in my house,

I'm not calling the Crips.

"Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?"

"Oh, he's here already?"

"My bad. My bad."

Here's the thing with the cops, though.

I mean, being a cop's a hard job, man. It's a hard fucking job, man.

I mean, honestly, I don't think they pay cops enough.

I don't think they pay police enough…

…and you get what you pay for.

But here's the thing, man.

Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man,

they always say the same things.

It's like, "Well, it's not most cops. It's just a few bad apples."

"It's just a few bad apples."

"Bad apple"? That's a lovely name for "murderer."

I was like, "How'd they get that one? 'Bad apple.' That almost sounds nice."

I mean, I've had a bad apple.

It was tart.

But it didn't choke me out.

Here's the thing.

I know it's hard being a cop. I know it's hard.

I know that shit's dangerous. I know it is, okay?

But some jobs can't have bad apples, okay?

Some jobs, everybody got to be good.

Like… pilots.

You know?

American Airlines can't be, like, "Most of our pilots like to land."

"We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains."

"Please bear with us."

Yeah, man. This cop shit ain't gonna stop, man.

But racism is not gonna stop. It ain't never stopping.

It's the American way, man.

They used to have signs up that said, "Whites only."

They used to have signs up that said, "No Blacks allowed."

Now they got something new.

It's called prices.

That's right. Prices are the new Jim Crow.

The Four Seasons hotel does not say, "No Blacks allowed."

But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does.

That ought to handle your nigga problem right there.

Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby.

You know, Whole Foods does not say, "No Blacks allowed."

But a seven-dollar orange sure does.

It says they don't want my Black ass in here.

A couple of white people are going, "They don't want us in here either."

Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods.

America's insane, man.

You gotta get your kids ready for the white man.

If you're not, then you're fucking up as a parent, okay?

I've been getting my kids ready for the white man

since they was born, okay?