black-ish

15 years this month.

I've been married to this beautiful creature...

With a horribly deviated septum.

She's got the nasal passages of a UFC fighter.

My angel.

Back in the day,

Bow's residency schedule was a little nuts

and we were broke,

so we had a rushed wedding

between shifts at the hospital chapel.

I've only got seven minutes till rounds.

Let's get our asses married.

So, while this woman was preparing herself

for the loss of her dad,

this woman was preparing herself for the loss of her son.

Why, God?

Why?!

I can't believe he landed this bird.

Love is blind as hell.

What the hell you crying about?

Oh, God. I got to go.

Oh.

I love you! I love you!

Why?

But that was then. Things are different now.

And I plan to turn that ratchet first wedding

into a vow renewal of the century.

This time, I'm gonna give Bow the party she deserves,

and nothing can ruin that.

What the hell?

Nothing except Bow's parents.

Dre, it's 5:00 A.M. - Shh!

- Who's at the door? - Hide!

Jehovah Witnesses!

What?!

I can hear you, Andre. Open the door.

Mom? Dad?

Don't you open that door.

- Dre, move your foot. - Don't you open...

Dre, move your foot.

Aah!

Oh!

Hi!

Andre, join us!

Let me warm that heart with the light from within.

I hate when my heart's warm.

"Hate" is such a strong word.

I dislike when my heart's warm.

Black-ish - 01x16 Parental Guidance

Mom, what happened?

Oh, I slipped in a Mexican composting dump.

Oh. Your trip sounds beautiful.

Dre.

Oh, I made great time from the Mexican border.

Never had to stop and fill up.

The old RV runs on vegetable oil and animal waste.

Smooth ride, crappy mileage.

- Get it? - Yeah, I get it.

- 'Cause it runs on crap. - Yeah.

I didn't know you guys went to Mexico.

Oh, Méjico.

We took an agritourism trip to San Miguel de Allende.

She how good she is with languages?

- Mm-hmm. - Worked on a farm, built walls, picked fruit.

Ah. Sounds like slavery.

Oh. It's different. You pay.

Yeah, only rich people would pay to sharecrop.

Andre, Andre, Andre,

I understand your need to lash out

because you grew up in an environment of fear.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

But you're safe now. You are loved.

Uh, yeah, I'm cool, Alicia.

- Ali-CIA, baby. - Ah. Mm-hmm.

- So, Dre... - Hmm?

- How's your mother? - Oh, she's good.

Oh, I've always liked her. She's so strong.

Gorgeous skin, beautiful lips.

Down, Paul. You got your black wife.

Now, where are my grandbabies?

What? What, what, what?

Let's play "20 questions."

- Okay. - All right?

I'm thinking of a person who gave birth to you

who I don't like.

Will you stop?

Nope. Not it.

The person I'm thinking about

has never liked me or thought I was good enough for you.

She actually tried to set you up with another guy

at our wedding.

Bow! This is Adam.

Although only one of you has a working liver,

you're both art lovers.

Your mother would rather see you

with a yellow white man with two weeks to live

than be with me.

Dre, my mom is a new-age healer, okay?

She thought she could save him.

I just can't believe that they came for the vow renewal.

- I mean, they never come. - Yeah, like ever.

It's always been my favorite thing about them.

Okay, look. Bow, I just want our vow renewal to be perfect.

Well, now that my parents are here,

it'll be more perfect.

You know, I-I-I'm actually happy that your dad is here.

I love Paul, and you know how hard it is

for me to say that about a white man.

- You said you loved Bill Clinton. - Don't talk about Bill Clinton!

_

Oh, my God, Dre.

I'm just asking you to be civil to my mother.

I will. I promise.

I can't. She's the worst.

Well, at least you tried your hardest.

Yep, I did!

Meanwhile, it was business as usual

with my moms and pops.

You ever hear that expression

about houseguests being like fish?

Stay too long, they start to stink.

You ever hear the one about

the time I beat the out of your stupid

After you that woman?

You dumb son of a

Good morning to you, too, Ruby.

That was so cool!

Why isn't everyone more excited about the poo bus?

It's a bus that runs on poo!

Your answer's in your question.

Hey!

What are they doing here?

Dre said they would never come to this thing.

Maybe their swirly cult kicked them out.

- Hey! - Earl!

- Paul! - Oh!

Sparkling Ruby.

Aww.

Ah. I see Paul finally lost his patience.

I slipped, but thanks for your concern.

How fortuitous that we are all here

to share in this magical journey.

It'd be real magical if they disappeared.

Did you guys see "Selma"? Complete game-changer.

So awe-inspiring.

I saw the original in 1965.

Mine was called "Detroit."

Paul actually walked across that bridge

with the reverend doctor.

Oh. Good for him.

He was still a white man

when he got to the other side of the bridge, though, yes?

And probably ate at a restaurant.

At the counter.

Anyway, how exciting

- that Rainbow and, uh... - your son

are celebrating 15 years of wedded bliss.

Oh, 16.

I'm 15, so they've been married for 16 years.

That's right. That's right, baby... 16 years.

Remember, Alicia?

Don't mediate her experience.

It's 15, honey.

Wait. So they had me before they were married?

You're like the bastard Jon Snow!

They lied to me.

You've all been lying to me.

Not me. I told you the truth because I respect you.

First the poop bus, and now this?

Best morning ever!

Why you want to hurt the child like that?

If we're not honest, we're nothing.

I don't remember that in the Bible.

The Bible is just one of many paths to the truth.

I'm an animist. Everything has a soul.

That apple, that sponge, that glass.

- Oh, is that so? - Yeah.

You say this glass has a soul?

- Yeah. Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

You.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice.

That's my Ruby.

- How you doing, Zo-Zo? - I'm fine.

I talked to mom and dad,

and they said that they love me

and that having me wasn't an accident.

Hmm. Seems like overcompensating.

How does it feel to be just another statistic?

'Course, it explains why dad's always been so hard on me...

'cause I was the first kid he meant to have.

- Shut up. - Do you think dad is even her dad?

She's much better-looking than us.

Funny you should say that.

I did some research on handsome guys in L.A. in 2000.

Have you ever heard of Rick Fox?

Ex-laker, decent defender.

Your dad.

They have the same eyes.

Get out!