Mom

Christy. Do me a favor and bus table six.

I'm kind of slammed. Why can't Hector do it?

Immigration retirement party.

Half the kitchen staff is hiding in the freezer.

Got it.

Hola.

Boy, that's good scotch. What a waste.

What is wrong with these people?

Oops.

Ah.

Okay. What's done is done.

They're in the freezer.

Hey.

Which one of you miserable sons of bitches is horny?

Oh, Mom. I just had the worst drunk dream.

It's okay, baby. Now, be a love, and tie mama off.

- Mom. - What?

Nothing. Just checking.

What?

Ripped By mstoll

It seemed so real.

I had just thrown away my whole year.

It's okay, honey. It's a slip dream.

I've been sober 33 years, I still get 'em.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

A couple months ago, I dreamt I was snorting blow

off of Tom Jones' ass.

Who's Tom Jones?

Thanks for ruining a beautiful dream.

- What? - Nothing. Just checking.

I said I was sorry.

For me, slip dreams are a signal something's bothering me

and I'm not dealing with it.

Boy, I don't know.

I can't think of anything that's bothering me.

She drove so I'm gonna stick with that.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe you're ready to start helping somebody else stay sober.

Maybe it is time for me to start giving back.

Okay. Go talk to that new girl over there.

Oh.

Really?

Can't I start with somebody off the children's menu?

Okay, how about her?

That's a Gucci bag.

I can really help somebody with a Gucci bag.

Go.

- Maybe I should help someone. - What's stopping you?

To be honest? A complete lack of compassion.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Christy. - Jill.

- Nice bag. - Thanks.

- Gucci. - I wouldn't know.

- Is this your first meeting? - How can you tell?

Well, no offense, but you kind of look like you just got Tasered.

- I feel terrible. - Yeah, I get it.

A little over a year ago

I was sitting exactly where you are right now.

Of course, I wasn't dressed as nice.

In fact, I think I was wearing this same sweater.

- You've been sober a whole year? - Yep.

It went by like... that.

So, what's been going on?

Not much. Um...

I got a DUI, my husband left me and I tried to commit suicide.

Oh, my God. You're gonna do great here.

- Can I be a mom for a moment? - Sure.

How long's it been since you got laid?

What? Who keeps track of that sort of thing?

The answer is six months ago with the fireman.

If you knew, why'd you ask?

Because I wanted to talk about me and I thought I'd come off better

if I pretended to be interested in you.

Wow. I see you trying. I really do.

Thank you.

- So, what's going on? - I cannot wait to bang your father.

I mean, I know I have to bide my time

until his ticker's better

but all I can think about is driving to Chico

and draining him like a dirty pool.

Come on.

You are talking about my father's junk.

No, you're talking about his junk.

I cloaked it in an adorable metaphor.

Maybe Violet is mature enough

to be comfortable with her grandmother's sexuality.

She's not.

Anything other than bills?

Uh, yeah. Something from the Taylors.

- Ooh! Baby pictures. - Open it, let's see.

I don't know if I want to.

Oh, okay. Well, you don't have to, sweetie.

Yeah, we can just talk about

whether your grandmommy should have violent intercourse

with your grandpappy.

- She's cute. - Very cute.

Beautiful.

- Oh, no. - What?

- They named her Gwyneth. - What's wrong with Gwyneth?

Seriously? I have to tell you?

No, no. I get it.

Oh, look at that cute little bunny hat.

- You think that's cute? - I do not.

Okay. Well, I guess that went as good as it could've gone.

Yeah.

You ever wonder what it'd have been like if she kept the baby?

Please don't go down that road.

I suppose.

Why don't I make us some lunch.

Thanks, but I gotta run.

I'm gonna meet that new girl, Jill.

- Roscoe, lunch. - I'm not hungry.

- Grandma's making it. - Okay.

You know you're buying his love with bacon.

Still love.

Hang on.

One more time and nobody's home.

- Who are you? - Who are you?

Landlord. Is Crusty here?

- Crusty? - Crusty Plunkett.

Oh, that Crusty.

Uh, no. Can I ask what this is about?

- Who are you? - Really? We're starting over?

Okay, I'm her mother.

- You're living here? - Absolutely not.

Good, because you're living here, rent would be higher.

No, no. We wouldn't want it to be higher.

So, what's up?

Your daughter. Three months behind on rent.

Really? Well, that doesn't sound like my little Crusty.

48 hours she don't pay, I send sheriff for eviction.

How come I'm not smelling bacon?

Excuse me.

- Are you hungry, baby? - Uh-huh.

You hear that? He's starving. You want him to be homeless, too?

- 48 hours. - Oh, come on. Look at that face.

Nice face. 48 hours.

Damn. You need to get cuter.

Did you want me to make you a sandwich?

Oh, thanks, but Jill and I are having lunch.

Oh, right.

Boy, she's lucky to have a role model like you.

Ah. Yeah, I'm just doing what I can do.

Leading by example.

That's terrific.

Say, maybe you can give me some advice.

Mm. I can give it. It's up to you to take it.

That's good. I might use that with Jill.

So, here's the thing.

I have this friend who has an idiot daughter.

I mean, a real screw-up.

That's too bad. Makes you appreciate me, huh?

You bet.

So, here's the thing.

My friend's daughter

doesn't pay the rent for three months.

And now she and her whole family are gonna be evicted.

Ooh, yikes.

Wait a minute.

You don't have any friends.

Yes, but I have an idiot daughter.

- Was that the landlord at the door? - Yes, Crusty.

- How much time did he give us? - 48 hours.

- Oh, boy. - How could you let this happen?

"Let it happen"?

Between Violet's pregnancy, the adoption and dad's heart attack,

I lost a lot of days at work.

Yeah, but what about the money I've been kicking in?

Yes. Okay.

Before I tell you about that,

you have to understand that we were so far in the hole,