Robert Klein: Unfair & Unbalanced

"Ladies and gentleman please welcome Robert Klein"

Let us pray

"When the times are hard with no end in sight"

"We all search for comfort from the darkest of nights"

"Then you come to me with your star so bright"

"You're my hero you're my shepard"

"You're my savior you're my light"

"Barack Obama, Barack Obama"

"Deliver us from evil please fix the mess we're in"

"Please no more drama Barack Obama"

"Our nation may not get another chance"

"so try to keep your pecker in your pants"

"I remember Bill"

"With his star-like glow we had peace and prosperity"

"Unemployment was low then he went"

"Where no president should go"

"He traded his good name for some fellatio"

"Barack Obama Barack Obama"

"Stay away from interns stay away from hookers too"

"Don't schtup Madonna Barack Obama"

"Don't forget you're not the president of France"

"So try to keep your Schmekel in your pants"

"It's not rocket science"

"It's not complex"

"just keep it in your trousers"

"That's what America expects"

"so in the oval office"

"No oral sex"

"Or you'll make a speech"

"You'll get impeached and we'll have Sarah Palin next"

"Barack Obama"

"Barack Obama"

"You must resist temptation"

"We're all in this with you go chase Osama"

"Not some hot mama get wrapped"

"Around the figures of finance"

"The country really needs this"

"You're the biggest thing since Jesus so use your head"

"Not your penis and for God's sake"

"Keep it in your pants"

Amen

You know why I'm singing that?

Did you see Beyoncé at the Inaugural Ball?

She was eating him up

What if he believes his PR like Edwards?

Or Governor Sanford?

"Don't 'schtup' for me" Argentina...

"Mr. Values"

"Look what he said when Clinton got impeached"

"He lied to the American people"

"Wah, wah, wah"

The Governor going first class to see his mistress

in one of the poorest, dumbest, fattest stupidest states in the union

I wish they'd secede again, this time successfully and nonviolently

There's some good people in South Carolina

we'll rescue them hold them in Kentucky

and let their thing float in the Caribbean

Oh, how about Ensign in Nevada he's still in office

He was schtupping his campaign aid's wife

got her a job too, in Quizno's

Shredding lettuce She has as very nice position there

It's almost a medical plan and everything

How about Vitter from Louisiana Mr. Values

he was on the madame hooker's list in Washington

How about Larry Craig of Idaho

voted against every gay marriage initiative, voted for an...

amendment in Idaho, constitution to forbid gay marriage, gay union even

And this guy was caught trying to have sex in an airport men's room

Airport, a place, sex is supposed to be a place of privacy and intimacy

This guy wants to have sex in the one place

I want to get out of as quickly as possible

An American airport men's room?

You can't even put your briefcase down unless it floats

You know? American men have no aim whatsoever

Hello Bill, how's it going?

And you know, they're going... Getting ready to shoot

I mean, you know and you have to unzip

you have to hold your briefcase

you have to shake the proper amount of times

And for some reason, at my age I always shake one too few

I don't know why really So you have to

Sex in an airport men's room?

I have never walked into an airport men 's room in my life and gone

you know, a fellow could settle down here

Good lighting plenty to read

lots of toilet paper, soap

good schools and churches nearby and an Elk's Club, that is important

Honey, you register the children in school

I'll be performing fellatio on a deputy sheriff in the first booth here

You know?

You know, that toilet where it happened in Minneapolis

the guy told me that it's a bigger tourist attraction

than the Mall of America

Keep the line moving, please

This is the booth where he had the wide stance

Keep it moving, please

Oh, sorry sir, you're actually using the facility

Down here, please, there are hundreds waiting, keep it moving

I mean, I... I... it's...

I would feel badly for him if he wasn't such a hypocrite

I mean, he wanted a hearing in the Senate

he wanted, it would have livened up CSPAN

no question about that You know?

Senator, will Senator yield? "I will not yield my time"

Senator Craig, I know this is difficult

y'all have done so much good for the state of Idaho

When you were in that toilet

How should I put, were you doing number one or number two?

Now, the, the Sheriff says you were tapping

and he knows Morse Code

he says you were saying I want you baby

Was that true?

How about Eliot Spitzer?

At least he's not one of these hypocritical values guys

he was just a bit depraved

Thirty-five hundred dollars for sex?

In this economy?

What kind of prostitution value is that?

For crying out loud, I could have gotten him twelve girls

with a free pornographic movie and a towel

I could have gotten him twenty meals at Michel Bras in France

for thirty, thirty-five

I could have gotten him a ticket to a Yankee game

This should end that ugly stereotype forever

that Jews always get a good bargain

And I'm tired of that Protocols of the Elders of Zion

that anti-Semitic thing, they see every day in Egypt on television

that Jews use Christian blood to make their matzo's

If you get me a better substitute in a recipe, I won't have to

You don't have to kill the great

you just need a compliant Christian neighbor

Excuse me, Chris and Maryanne

I'll tell you, Schmul and Hadassah are so grateful

Can you make a fist please? Put the tourniquet on, will you?

Oh, it's great What are you, type O?

Delicious

They have never been so crisp, and they break right on the perforation

You notice I use the word fellatio

This is a smart audience

Howdy, Mr. Lincoln

This is a smart audience

I can never look up one of those things

Fellatio, if this were some dumb place somewhere I would have said

"blow job" but here, "fellatio"

America is dumb and getting dumber

and most Americans probably think a...

that fellatio is a character from Shakespeare

"Oh, sweet Fellatio is dead"

"That gallant spirit hath inspired the clouds which all too soon"

"No, it has graced me, Lord"

"Oh, Fellatio! Fellatio!"

"Blow! Blow thy winds, Fellatio!"

"Blow thy winds and suck"

"suck the very fiber of evils from my soul, Fellatio!!

"Come, come, Fellatio and take out my heart"

"and fly to the heavens above, Fellatio"

"You get the point?" "Fellatio!"

"Should I keep going here?"

I got to unwind from this bit Fellatio!

And of course they thing cunnilingus is an Irish airline

"Come to Ireland on Cunnilingus Airlines"

"one fifty-nine fifty completely with a tour of Bunratty Castle"

"Come to Ireland on Cunnilingus"

"we'll get you there lickety-split"

"Come see our beautiful Labia"

"Lounge at JFK airport, done completely in pink taffeta"

No, America's very dumb

some school principal took the word scrotum out of the hygiene textbook

What does she want, balls, nuts?

It's a real word, scrotum

It happens to be the, uh sack, uh, holding the testicles

See? Ball sack

And not only that, he was a hell of an author too

'Cyrano de Ball- Sack' I read everything he ever wrote

Honore de Balzac, sorry

No, I think It's... uh, if I see, I mean

it's dumb and getting dumber

Uh, are we represented by the people

who decide what's in the textbooks in Texas?

If I hear one more idiot on television

well, I can prove the earth is sixty-seven hundred and twelve years old

Men and dinosaurs lived and hunted together till 1983

when The Flintstones went off the air

It's...

Anyway, uh, you know, I did the first HBO special ever in 1975

Now, it was revolutionary, HBO thing when it started

You could say what you wanted I mean, I'm not particularly profane

I said... 'fuck' on the first show it's revolutionary

But I think I did it in a witty way Profanity is part of the language

not when it's used as a substitute for wit every second word

but you know, it was a release of sorts then You know?

So, I'm responsible for all this HBO cursing

Now they, Sopranos I give them a pass

because that's their milieu Right?

I mean, you know, fuckin' cock fuckin' cock

I mean, what? You know?

But Deadwood? You know that western they had?

Cowboy ride Howdy motherfucker

You know?

Gonna get my horse shoed at that douchebag down at the livery's stable