The Degenerates

[music: "Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive

Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jay Oakerson!

Fuck yeah, Vegas!

It's been a weird time here. Lot of freaky, weird people.

Green hair, right up front.

Crazy big ol' titties, straight in the front.

Ooh! That's hard.

Is that your chick, dude?

Good job, bro!

How old are you Twenty-nine.

Twenty Nice!

That's in the pocket.

Young broads freak me out now.

I turned 40 this year, so that was like...

that's a big landmark.

I hear buddies of mine still talking about fucking young girls,

it blows my mind.

I had a buddy my age recently tell me a story

about fucking an 18-year-old girl.

He told it to me in a public place too, and I was like, "Shhh!"

I thought he was confessing to a crime!

Then I was like, "Oh yeah! You're allowed to fuck an 18-year-old.

I forgot."

That's totally legal,

but it still feels like I shouldn't do it, you know what I mean?

You've gray hair in your beard. You think you should fuck an 18

It seems creepy!

I get the bragging rights, trust me.

As a 40-year-old guy, it's nice to be able to say, you know,

"Look at that, I still got it.

An 18-year-old girl still really wants to fuck me."

But also, I assume,

if you're an 18-year-old girl who really wants to fuck me, like...

your uncle used to smell your bike seat or something. Like...

You're definitely not coming into this thing stable.

That's for goddamn sure.

She's gonna fuck, yeah, but also do a lot of weird shit while I'm asleep.

Just stare at me for an hour and run her fingernails over my neck.

"I could do it! I could do it so easy!"

I just wake up all stupid, "What's up?

I could be talked into a midnight pizza."

I don't even look at...

like, the young girl porn.

I don't want those, like, in my...

you know, web search history, like, "Teen", "Teen Anal".

It's like, who types that into something?

All the teen stuff's that webcam porn, anyway.

You know what webcam porn is, right?

Yeah, man. - Yeah, okay.

Wow.

Like, everyone's with their girlfriends and shit,

they're like, "Is it, like... I heard of it.

Is it the one where they are, like, in front of a webca... I..."

It's when teenage girls are in front of a webcam...

naked, living their day.

And then fucking weirdos at home who have just mustaches...

sit at home and watch them on a computer and keep hitting a button

that tips them money.

And you hear it. Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding!

And they have to keep saying thank you like...

..."Thank you!"

The weirder ones are when those girls bring in, like,

a guy to fuck them, on webcam,

and, like, this guy's working them over so hard,

but they know where their bread's buttered.

They still gotta pay attention to the computer guys.

So this guy's just whaling on her,

and she's like, you know, thanking a bunch of dumb screen names.

She's like, "Thank you, StinkyPickle654023!

Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding! Thank you, XXXFartsMagooXXX!"

Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding! Ba-da-ding!

Plus my daughter is 15 now, and that's so close to legal porn age.

I don't want to send her there.

You know what I mean? That feels like bad karma.

You can't make your kids be anything at all.

I was hoping my daughter would be a lesbian. I did everything I could, but...

From the time she was a baby, man...

all her, like, little mobiles in her crib just cranked Melissa Etheridge tunes.

I used to take her out back when she was a toddler and just gun softballs at her,

see if she had...

any dykey instincts to throw up a mitt. Nothing.

Took them all right in the tits. Dumb as a board,

straight as an arrow.

If she was a lesbian, man,

she couldn't hurt me. That's what I know.

My daughter's 15 now. She knows what I do. You know what I mean?

Like, she hears how I talk. She's gonna be pretty loose-lipped around me.

And I worry she's gonna tell me things I don't want to hear.

But if you add the fact that she'd be a lesbian in any of those stories,

I don't give a shit!

The creepiest sex story wouldn't bother me if she was a lesbian.

She'd have to be specific though. You know what I mean?

She couldn't come in all willy-nilly, throwing generalization,

like, "Dad, I had a fivesome last night!" I'd be like, "What? My baby! No!"

And then if she was like, "With four hot chicks,"

I'd be like, "Nice!"

I wouldn't be upset or sad anymore!

Smell her fingers and high-five her like a son!

Like a son!

I'd put my arm around her for the first time.

"Get over here, you son of a bitch!"

Give her one of those old beers, with the rip tab. Phisshhh!

Now, if you're gonna eat box with your old man's last name, -let's talk about your method. Now...

The Oakersons, historically, favor a light labia press, sweeping tongue motion.

She's doing all this 15-year-old stuff, which is awful.

She got caught drinking this year.

I hated it. She's punished, which is a waste of time.

That's why I think we should bring back, and this isn't going to be popular,

but... hear me out.

We should bring back, uh, focused...

focused child abuse.

Now, in that...

And I'm not talking, before you write an angry letter about, like,

drunken, crazy, I hate my life, so I kick the shit out of my kids.

That guy should go to fucking prison. You know what I mean?

I mean with a purpose, right? Like my daughter, for instance,

got caught drinking. So I go over there,

and I fuck her up real nice, right?

You know? I'll let her put her hands up, I'll give her a fair shake,

but she has no shot.

I'm gonna stretch her ass out. She's a child.

But then it's over and we get to go back to having fun again.

Daddy And she's learned a lesson now, right?

"If I get caught drinking, my father comes over and fights me like a dude."

She either won't do it, or won't get caught next time.

I'm fine with either.

There's that awkward moment the next morning,

when I go in her room and she's in a corner, holding her knees and crying.

And I go, "Hey!" and she goes, "No!"

and I go, "No, no, no. That was yesterday. Don't be weird.

It's over, baby!

Put on a long-sleeve shirt. We're going to the mall, motherfucker!"

I don't know. It's hard to walk that line between being, you know,

cool dad and, you know, raising your kids right, you know?

I try to be cool. I try!

I took my daughter this year, she turned 15, I took her to a piercing place

to get a piercing at the top of her ear, the one that goes across.

It's called an industrial piercing.

I took her to a piercing place to get that done.

How cool is that

I did her clit myself. I'm not gonna let some stranger...

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let some fucking stranger...

I'm kidding, by the way.

I hate that we live in a time I gotta tell you that.

I'm totally kidding. I did not pierce my daughter's clit.

I promise you, nobody pierces their daughter's clit

and then comes and tells a room full of people about it.

That's information you here years later in family court or something.

We've had our fair share of...

awkward moments for sure, me and my daughter,

but that's just not a real one.

The real ones are probably worse.

Our last awkward moment, our last biggie, I should say,

happened when she was still 14.

It was... This sucks. This is a bad one.

My daughter has no idea this happened, by the way.

She's oblivious to this whole situation

and when she hears this, I'm gonna tell her...

it's just a joke.

But I'm telling you, it's not.

And we'll just edit that part out.

This was about, I don't know, eight months ago, or so.

She was, like, at my house one morning.

We're having a conversation. But there's a door between us.

She's in the bedroom, I'm in the living room.

As I walked by the door, which was cracked open a little bit,

just instinctually, I looked through the crack of the door.

That said, I did not know she was getting changed behind that door.

And for a split second, I know, unbeknownst to her, thank God,

I saw my 14-year-old daughter, full frontal butt naked.

And what I saw, I couldn't unsee.

And there's really no way to candy-coat it.

So I'll just lay it out there and let you guys process it,

and then we'll go from there.

That day, oh, I came face-to-face...

on a 14-year-old little girl...

Full bush.

Take your time with it. It's okay.

There's no rush. There's not even a punch line.

I don't demand you laugh.

I don't want you to laugh 'cause you think you have to. You don't.

That's not even a punchline. That's just the deets of the story.

Full bush.

This little peanut used to sleep right here on my chest.

I used to hold her and go, "I love you so much!

I'm gonna protect you forever!"

And when she was, like, four, she used to walk around...

in these nightgowns, and they went all the way down to the floor.

They, like, dragged on the ground, and she had this big, crazy, curly hair,

and whenever I would walk through a door, she would go, "Daddy, pick up!"

Full muff now.

And now, that's just the world, man.

I don't know how many people here really know my comedy,

but if you did, you would know,

historically, with every other woman in the world,

I'm a full bush guy.

But no more.

Can't even see it now. I have a reaction. It's uncomfortable.