Malcolm in the Middle

Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight. Let's get some sleep, huh?

Wait, we bought ten presents. Yeah. Why are there 11 packages?

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

We would've figured it out before we mailed it, right? Yeah, absolutely.

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me, now

# You're not the boss of me, now

# You're not the boss of me, now, and you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me, now

# You're not the boss of me, now

# You're not the boss of me, now, and you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

Don't move.

Agh! Did you get it? Get what?

It's three weeks till Christmas and Reese is holding off hitting Dewey.

Well, guess what. I got two weeks forced vacation without pay.

What? Thanks to the company's trouble with the government.

It's just so the board members can shred documents in peace.

Two weeks without pay at Christmas?! That means no presents.

December 2nd - "refused to eat booger sandwich."

I know this is coming at a bad time but I think I have a plan

that will get us through this. I'm gonna sell Christmas trees.

What? In college I sold Christmas trees with my roommate Victor.

He sold illegal cable boxes. To pay for the Christmas trees.

We made a killing! I've already talked to a supplier.

We can buy 130 trees at 15 bucks a piece.

And Ed is letting me use his vacant lot for free.

Really? If we sell them at six bucks a foot,

that's an average of $45 per tree.

We can net over $2,600. Well, if you think it'll work...

Reese and I have some money saved up. We can get 200 trees. We'll make 4,000.

You'd put your own money in? Sure.

I was going to invest mine with this Nigerian general

but, hey, this is family! Really?

You would go into business with your old man?

I never dreamed anything like this would be possible. (WHIMPERS)

Dad - When I was a kid, I begged my dad to go into business with me...

but he never answered the intercom.

And now you boys want to go into business with me! (SOBS)

It'll be like a green grocery store!

You know, Dewey, you've got $20 in your piggy bank.

I think they've got it covered, Mom. Alright. I'm in!

It'll be weird not being with our families.

I know, it feels... great!

All the ugliness and turmoil you associate with Christmas is gone.

My family, they are finally here. All the way from Stuttgart.

"Don't pack your heavy clothes. It's not cold."

I'm freezing off my ass! I have two children. I don't need a third!

Come on, you two, you are here now. Just enjoy, yeah?

Oh, I forgot! Everything has to be perfect with Gretchen.

Don't you raise your voice to Gretchen.

Anyone who is not an alcoholic, you accuse of being a perfectionist!

Hal & Sons. That means you, too, Jamie. (GURGLES)

I know it's just a crappy wooden sign but... (SOBS)

Boys, I want you to know that this is the greatest day of my life.

I'm so happy and proud of each and every one of you.

I just want to make sure you don't screw this up.

We will have so many precious memories together

as long as you don't give in to your worst instincts

and do something really stupid.

I just love you so much and I want to keep loving you.

Dad, stop worrying. We can do this.

With what we've spent, we'll be in profit once we sell tree 67.

Then, let's sell that tree first. What are those tools for?

These are for setting up the trees.

First you use the radial saw to cut an inch off the bottom of the trunk.

Then you use this nail gun to stick the tree stand...

Again, I am so proud of you boys and I don't want to lose this feeling.

Why won't you let me help you with that? I really don't want you to.

Why not? Every time you come into contact with me

something horrible happens to you.

I can't deal with the guilt any more. What?

Come on, if it weren't for us,

you'd have teeth and you wouldn't flinch when you saw a ceiling fan.

Coincidences. You broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.

Please, Lois, it's Christmas.

Here. Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.

Thanks.

Owwww! Ooh! Agh!

I wish I could say I was surprised.

OK, you're all set. Mister, is this tree dead?

Of course not. We made sure we cut in a fresh wound

so it could suck up water.

Your tree is suspended in a nether world

between life and death, just waiting for you to open your presents.

How many trees have we sold? 15. 15?

We're not anywhere close to tree 67. I don't get it!

Good location. Great-looking trees.

How much are your trees? $6.00 per foot.

Ah. What? St Mark's Church, around the corner,

marked their trees down to $5 a foot but they've got really long lines.

Can you believe they undersold us? We don't offer Mass at half price!

Why don't we lower our prices? $4.50 per foot.

Then we average $31 per tree and we still net $3,457.

We'll be profitable by... Hang on. ..tree 91.

Tree 91? Tree 91.

Sir!

Right this way. We've got a really nice...

It's customary to tie the tree to the roof. It's customary to tip.

Alright! That was... tree 79.

We're very close. Boys, I love all of you.

But this kid... (CHUCKLES)

It's just a tiny bite. He's gonna be OK? Absolutely.

He'll need get rabies shots. Shots? Five injections in the belly.

I had them when I was bitten by a skunk a few years ago.

When they shoved that 4-inch needle into my stomach,

I felt like I'd been shot.

When they pulled the last one out, I was on the floor

clutching a chair leg and crying like a baby!

The Navy Seals trained me to deal with pain but...

..nothing like that.

Bring the squirrel to animal control.

If it doesn't have rabies, you avoid the shots.

No, I'll take the shots otherwise Lois can't prove her point!

Craig, listen to me. I am making you this vow.

I am going to take that squirrel to animal control

and prove it doesn't have rabies.

You are not going to have to suffer again for knowing me. Understand?

You're on my foot. Oh, sorry. Ahhhh!

They're still at it? Fascinating.

I've had the same argument with my mom.

She's gonna say, "Don't take that tone." Then he'll start screaming.

Now the father figure tries to make peace. (SPEAKS GERMAN)

And gets his head chopped off.

This is a good one - jumping in to an argument to settle an old score.

They're like a primitive version of my family.

Take one step to your left. Why?

Spooky.

OK, you're getting $7.00 change, right?

One and two and five.

I hide the big bills where no-one's gonna go after 'em! I'll help you.

OK, that is tree 89, boys. We are so close I can taste it!

Ooh! Are you the guys trying to muscle in on the blessed church?

What did you say? We're from St Mark's.

You're underselling us and we don't like it so it's gonna stop.

We want you to close down your lot and leave... now.

During this holy season, it's best to give our saviour what he wants.

You're dealing with Godless heathens.

Take your ghost story elsewhere. We'll give you 20 minutes.

Then we take matters into our own hands.

What's that supposed to mean? Don't worry, Dad.

What are priests gonna do?

Get in the car and lock the doors! No change, mister?

Hey, mister!

Does this look infected to you?

Excuse me, this is my tree. I already marked it, if you know what I mean.

W-Wait! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Father McCluskey sends his regards. What?

He dropped by the soup kitchen and he suggested we come down and share the magic.

Cute kid! Do you want some home-made candy?

Dad, everyone's leaving.

Whatever they're giving, we'll double it.

You can double eternal salvation?