Standing Up

-Okay, here's the cover story. - Here is the cover story?

If people ask, we're shooting a video for my Yeshiva.

We're having a fundraiser, so we're making a video.

That's the cover story, okay?

Did you ever feel like you're in the wrong place?

I'm totally Jewish, by the way.

I'm an orthodox Jew.

I feel like you guys don't appreciate how cool I am.

Take my hat, for example, the brim is supposed

to be bent down, but I'm wearing it bent up.

I fight the system.

Now I'm going to go to the stand,

mainly I always joke about the Swastika

that I want to try out because that's always

a hilarious topic I think, the Swastikas.

In New York, there's like a million open mics.

There's public transportation it's like really easy.

I could do five mics in one day.

I get pretty nervous at open mics though.

I'm always very scared that the jokes aren't going to work

and when they don't work, I start sweating,

like I'm done, my armpits are just bags of sweat.

But you can't just stand in front of a mirror.

There's really no way to get good at comedy without

actually doing it in front of a real audience.

Open mics, that's where all comics start, something that anyone can do.

Here I is...

You could be a comedian, you could be some crazy guy off the street.

Comedians are crazy guys off the street.

You see the same people every time

doing the same jokes over and over and over.

We see each other every day, we all know each other

and it's just something we do together.

Our favorite Orthodox Jew,

ladies and gentlemen David Finklestein.

I enjoy being nervous as I perform, I love the feeling on stage,

it's like a rush, then later at night you get all depressed because

your jokes didn't work, but I enjoy that also because then you can write new jokes

and you come back the next day and you do it all again.

Sometimes people think that I'm Amish.

Do you guys ever get that?

Ready? We started from the bottom, in the subway right now,

bring it up to the rest of the world. Don't hold it down.

Alright, alright New York City Union Square subway at Christmas time,

it's about to get crazy for New Years. Telling jokes

for you ladies and gentlemen right here.

This is actually where the Apollo got relocated to.

This is also what graduating from college can do to you.

Originally I'm from Missouri City, Texas.

Growing up, people will call me and say: "I just called you

because I knew that you would make me laugh."

Give it up for Sarah Parks.

In the interview, guess what, I'm turning white. That's what I got to do to get it.

I know stocks and hedge funds like nobodies' business.

My upbringing gives me a unique perspective.

My mom, she's basically a white lady, but black.

We went to all white churches, went to Celtic churches.

I ended up thinking I was part Irish, so...

I felt like I had to master two personalities, and now a lot of my comedy

is based on how people express themselves.

Your voices were amazing tonight, the white voice.

You know what I forgot...

You got to finish by 11:45.

It doesn't matter how messy it is.

I hate this bathroom.

It's going to be the nastiest.

Oh God, oh my God.

Shit.

This is bullshit, man.

This cleaning job is very monotonous.

It feels like a dead-end job, but I don't

give myself a choice to do anything else.

I'm very determined to be a comedian and I would not

do well if my entire life I just had a regular job.

I'm serious about living here and I want to be successful,

so it's really no funny business.

Slay me.

- What's up, Idriss? - Sarah, what's up?

How you feeling? -How you feeling, how you been?

-How's everything? -It's all right, man.

Comedy is going well, you're doing good?

Yeah, you know like, man, I got a couple jokes to keep it all flat.

-Give me a joke, give me a joke. -Alright.

I grew up in the south.

One thing I love about the south is southern white ladies.

A white lady will introduce themselves

with too much information, I love it:

"My name is Debbie. If you can't remember that,

it's like a little lady on a cupcake box,

just say her name. And my husband Jerry

It's like he's famous like Jerry Springer, but he's not.

He's just my husband and I love him.

-You know like-- -Yeah.

That's my joke and people like the voice change.

-It needs more. -It needs more?

Yeah, the accent is like the cherry on the top.

-Alright -You know what a premise is?

Do you know what it means, premise?

Yeah, like the subject of the whole thing or the setup?

For comedy, premise means an insightful opinion.

-Right. -It's not always something funny.

Hold on but, people relate to it because he means it.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have the judge's order on the Jiménez case?

This guy slipped in the shower

and he was standing on the soap dish thing

and he wanted to sue the city because the porcelain was too slippery.

I say this with not an ounce of pride,

I'm a personal injury attorney.

I defend people against evil, doctors

and drivers and landlords and city workers.

I'm a whore.

I'm selling my body and my brain for money.

Hey, how are you? How's everything?

Do I like helping people? No.

I'm basically a whore.

But that's all lawyers. We're hired guns.

-We are whores. -Potato, potato.

There's only a few good years you have left in you.

What do you do with your life? You just don't know.

That's why you're in law school because you have no idea.

And that's why we don't think about these questions.

-But that's not-- -Because people are too--

They're too terrified of those kinds of questions.

The questions has been haunting me my whole life.

That's what Picasso said successful work is,

is when your work and your life just blend together,

when you can't wait to get up in the morning and do what you're doing

and not just look begrudgingly at your day.

I mean, you know, you've used all of your vacation time.

That can't be possibly true.

Yep, used it all.

How about if an uncle died?

-Yeah, you already told me-- -Hold on a second.

Just getting a little emotional here.

Raafat is a unique attorney.

Sometimes when he shouldn't be making a joke, he still does it.

Raafat in Arabic, means mercy.

I think I am merciful in a sense.

Sort of like when God takes out our parents

he's sort of being merciful

in some way that we can't quite grasp.

A couple of months ago, there was this paralegal in the office,

she kept telling me I could be a stand-up comedian.

She was: "Oh, they got open mics everywhere."

I said: "Great, sign me up."

Do you think I can go far with my name.

Do you think I could be like a famous like comedian?

"Raafat Toss" do you think that's funny?

That's why they use to make fun of me in school,

you know, they always call me Rat Fat.

It's not that funny.

Yeah, it is though.

Do I sign up here?

Yes, you do. Uh...

Thank you.

I want to make people laugh and maybe just trying to do stand-up

is me trying to be a little brave in my life.

-Usually it's pretty busy. -Oh really?

Oh lord, these guys are going to be gooder than me, I can tell.

Do like a stick...

See, look at that. Any type of head to the groin joke

is going to be funnier than mine.

Uhm, I'm just checking on the jokes.

What is this ridiculous of e law Korean,

I can't even begin to figure what I meant by that.

I've done a lot of dating. I notice that,

you know there's some red flags with dating.

I think the ultimate red flag would be if a girl's a communist.

Please clap your hands for Raafat Toss.

So uhm, show of hands, any other orphans here?

Any orphans?

Uhm, so I'm an attorney.

I uh, practice the lowest rung of the legal profession.

I'm a personal injury attorney.

I not only chase ambulances, I tend to catch them.

We're a sad lot, attorneys are, we don't find joy in our professions,

so we try to do something else, which is what I'm trying to do.

And if we're miserable, we try to spread our misery around

so we hire interns, we don't pay them any money.

They're actually slaves and we call them interns.

The south should have used that phrase.

Instead of calling people slaves, they should've called people interns.

Thank you very much, thanks.

- Yay! -

Next up! Next up! Adam Newman!

Can you keep that attorney job, can you keep that?

You might want to keep that attorney job.

Not because of you, fine.

Open mic, none of us are going to do you good,

even if they're laughing,

I'm just saying that it's gonna be less painful

for the rest of your life if you just stay at the attorney job.

I wish I could go back,

I know I could be an attorney and I know it would've been easier than this

and I know that like the word diarrhea

would be such a small term in my life.