Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me. Do you like my suit?

HE HAWKS

It's Christmas! And I'm going to give you a special treat.

One time only, Grandpa changes your nappy!

Easy-peasy, eh!

You know, I used to change your mummy's nappies and Auntie Alia's.

Little girls, little boys, it's the same thing, isn't it?

Oh! Dirty!

Alia, beti, maybe you should change his nappy next time, huh?

I'm helping Naani wrap her presents.

Let me guess, old fruit and nut, just like her.

Heh!

Anyway, Christmas has come early for me, this year.

Look at this, best present ever!

"Who got all the cheese?" I thought you didn't like cheese?

It's not about cheese, beti. It's about business.

Oh, right. Who gave it to you?

You did.

Since your mother's in Pakistan, I decided to buy my own presents.

I knew my favourite daughter would get me exactly what I wanted.

You're welcome. You didn't get me anything.

Correct.

So, according to chapter one,

the first thing you need to do in business is find a gap in the market.

And I've got mine.

What is it? Christmas for Muslims!

What? Think about it, beti. What is Christmas all about?

Um... That's right. Spending money.

Everyone's wasting money on all kinds of rubbish, except us Muslims.

Why should we be left out?

It's discrimination!

Exactly! So, I've created a whole new product.

I've got an interested party coming round later.

A well-known business Dragon!

Wow! Which one?

Mr Ali from Ali's Cash and Carry in Stechford!

Idiot!

You should be in Pakistan.

She twisted her ankle, Papaji!

So she says.

Let us know if you need anything, Naanijaan. Huh.

Like, if you want me to get you anything to eat or drink.

Or Papaji to take you to the toilet.

Mrs Khan is flying back tonight. See if you can hold on till then.

Right, let's get baby Mo back to his mum and dad's.

I'll just let them know that we're on our way.

We're on our way!

Here he is! Hello!

This wheelchair's a bit rickety, Naani.

Because it's cheap.

It's not cheap! It's top of the range.

Fell off back of lorry!

I got it from one of my business contacts.

The brakes don't work properly, though.

Alia, beti, if the brakes worked it wouldn't have fallen off the lorry.

Have you seen this?

What a load of... That's meant to be Dave!

What? The ginger man standing outside a mosque wishing me

a nondenominational happy Christmas. Are you sure?

I think so. It does say Dave on his hat.

The Winter Wonderland is to raise money for a new soft play

area at the mosque community centre.

Baby Mo loves it there.

Whenever I go and pick him up, he just cries and cries

because he doesn't want to leave.

That may not be the reason.

Everyone's chipping in to help. I promised we'd get a snow machine.

It'll be fantastic. Baby Mo's first white Christmas!

Snow? How are we going to do that?

You'll think of something, budhoo.

OK. Well, I'm not going.

I've got a meeting with my business Dragon, then I've got to go to the

airport to pick up your mother, and the rest of them.

Not Chunky Uncle?

And Halitosis Auntie.

We'll put them up here. Amjad can get out the sofa bed.

You know what, Shazia? I never thought I'd say this,

but I'm so glad you live next door.

I know, we're so lucky to have this place.

It's just a shame we're going to have to leave. Eh?

Our landlord is selling the house.

Why don't you just buy it, then?

We want to, but we haven't got enough for the deposit.

Unless we can get it by Friday, he's going to accept another offer.

He's just maximising the return on his assets.

That's chapter two of my book. Oh, right.

He sounds like a good man, your landlord. Is he Pakistani?

Indian. The thieving, money grabbing... Dad!

We've been saving for months, but we're still £2,000 short.

This will be our last Christmas here!

Just when I've got the place how we want it.

And Mo's settled at the daycare centre, and...

Shazia, no need to worry. What? Your father will sort it.

Can you lend us the money! No.

But I've got a new business idea that's going to make me rich!

Very soon, I'll be living in Harborne,

in a detached house with gold taps and white neighbours!

How does that help us? Our house will be empty.

Oh, you mean... Yes. You can rent it off me!

Amjad! Shazia told me to get the bedding for Auntie Poo-breath.

Make sure you burn it afterwards.

Right, I need your help with this.

OK, is that a new shredder?

Fully automatic. Latest model.

£39.99. I got it for Christmas!

Who from? You and Shazia. You can pay me later.

What are you doing, sir?

I'm shredding all the copies of my business plan.

I can't have someone stealing my idea.

You see, Amjad, in business, information is power.

That's chapter three of my book. It sounds like a good book!

It is! Now, I need you to help me rehearse my pitch for the Dragon.

He's going to be here any minute.

You want me to pretend to be a Dragon? That's it!

Grrr!

Sorry, sir.

The secret to any business negotiation is to get

the other party to trust you.

Right! How?

Well, let's say it's me and you, and we're meeting for the first time.

Hello, Amjad. How did you know my name?!

Let's just say I already knew your name.

It's important to use their name and make lots of eye contact.

Hello, Amjad, so pleased to meet you, Amjad.

You know, Amjad, Shazia's told me great things about you, Amjad.

I do trust you!

It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

My tie!

It's caught in the shredder, sir! I know that, you idiot! Get it out!

Not the beard! Not the beard!

The snow. The paper.

Sir! Sir!

I think I actually have thought of something! I've got to go!

Amjad!

Amjad! Wait!

Tell Shazia I've gone to the Winter Wonderland! Idiot!

I want you to take this to Shazia!

What is it? Surprise Christmas present.

I'll do it later. Nahin! I want you to do it now.

In a minute. I've got a business meeting.

I'm going to pitch my idea like they do on Dragons' Den, give him

my figures and projections so he can do some number crunching.

One day I might get to do it in front of the real Dragons!

Imagine, Deborah Meaden crunching on my numbers!

Mr Khan? I'm here for our meeting.

Sorry, the front door was open, so... You're not Mr Ali.

No, he can't be here.

He's receiving a massive delivery of beetroot chutney from Oman.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm his business partner, Mr Ghopal.

Ghopal? Yes. But that's an Indian name. Yes.

But that means... What? You're an Indian!

Is that a problem? No! Of course not! Will you excuse me for a moment?

Aaargh!

Please, won't you come through to my office?

I'll be with you in a minute!

MR KHAN HAWKS

Have you ever wondered why we Muslims are always left

out of the Christmas activities?

Well, not any more, thanks to

Mr Khan's Traditional Halal Mince Pies!

I'm looking to use your cash and carry in return

for a 1% equity stake in my company.

This Christmas, the pie is the limit!

I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have.

In what way are they halal?

It's the mince. What?

The mince is all halal lamb.

I say lamb, it's actually doner kebab meat and offal.

Much cheaper!

Mince pies are only supposed to have dried fruit in them.

They've got that too! No brandy, though. We Muslims don't drink.

Not like you Hindus. No-one drinks like you Hindus.

I'm sorry? I use Benilyn instead!

It gives you a warm glow and fixes the tickly throat!

But that's...

We can get Paul Hollywood to do the adverts.

He's so brown he looks like a Pakistani!

Look, I don't think... Try one. No, thanks.

I used last night's keema in these ones.

There might even be a few peas in there, too!

Sorry, I'm out. What?

I'm not interested in going into business with you.

Wait, there must be something I can do? I don't think so.

Let me show you my business plan.

Oi! Cup of tea!

Chup! I'm dealing with the other Dragon!

I'm sorry about that. I should be going.

No! Please, give me a minute.

Cup of tea!

I'm sure I can convince you. Hurry up, you idiot.

Shush, I'm in a meeting, I'll get your tea in a minute.

Now, stay here and be quiet.

Now, where were we?

You know what, maybe there is some agreement we can come to after all.

What?

Now that you've sweetened the deal.

Oh, you like chocolate, do you?

I love chocolate!