The Last Showing

(INAUDlBLE DlALOGUE

l've got a surprise for you.

- (ALLIE) Really? What's this in aid of? - Just saw it, it made me think of you.

That must have cost you a fortune.

I got it cheap, it was going out of season.

Well, thank you.

(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS)

Thanks.

I love it.

I've got a surprise for you too.

Me. You. A midnight screening of The Hills Have Eyes II.

What? Tonight?

Yeah! lt's Wes Craven.

I mean, pre Elm Street, and so I have to admit it's an acquired taste.

All right. OK, yeah, you're really selling it to me.

Come on, aren't you up for it?

- Of course l am. - Mm. I meant the film.

Look, it'll be fun.

Yeah? So will the other thing.

You know what they say, being scared can actually be a turn-on.

- So, you never know. - Ahh. Really?

(MAN SPEAKING lNAUDIBLY OVER SPEAKERS)

Where's Stuart?

I don't know.

Stuart, come in.

Pick up, Stuart.

- Yes? - Where are you?

Break room.

You can go. Anthony will do the clean up tonight.

I'd rather stay.

You've had a longer shift.

I'm quite sure Anthony's got more places to be than I do.

You'd have to stay for the midnight special.

Right, fine.

l noticed Screen 3 is running the wrong aspect.

Again. (CHUCKLES)

You do know what an aspect--?

Of course I bloody know what aspect is, it just doesn't matter.

How doesn't it?

Look, someone will come to fix it.

So in the mean time we continue to project a film in a substandard way?

Nobody has complained. Except you.

l'll fix it.

You're not allowed up there. We've had this conversation.

Head office only allows trained staff to use the projectors.

You refused the training.

I don't need a certificate to show I can push one bloody button.

Stuart. Are we gonna have a problem tonight?

No, no problem.

Huh. Weird, l took you for more of a Justin Bieber kind of girl.

Sod off!

- What, another boyfriend? - Oh, are you my boyfriend now?

Oh, are you my boyfriend now?

Come on, we're going to be late.

Oh! Whoa, sorry, dude.

- You all right? - Tickets please.

- Oh. You got the tickets? - No. l gave you the--

- (MARTlN) Sorry again, dude. - (ALLIE CHUCKLES)

Come on! Quick, quick, quick!

Hello?

Excuse me.

Hello?

So sorry. How may l serve you?

Oh. Um... Pbbt.

Popcorn? Small?

Mm. You know l like it large.

Here at Midnight Cinema we're offering a large drink special for a pound extra.

- Would you care to upgrade? - (ALLIE) Yeah, OK.

So, what's this film actually about then?

OK, well, survival, revenge, primal fears.

All right, and big breasted women running towards the camera.

l've not been scared by a movie since l watched Candyman.

Yeah, yeah.

They're so cheesy, and you always guess how they're gonna end.

But it's not just about the end.

Fine, the beginning and middle. They're the same.

No, people just like to be scared.

I bet they freak you out just like everyone else.

Which drink then?

- (ALLIE) Um, lemonade, please. - Right.

Hollywood just churn out these formulaic, predictable, cheap movies.

And they make copies of each other.

It's like when you photocopy the same picture over again.

- The quality just gets worse. - (ALLIE) When did you last photocopy?

- That's not the point. - Would you mind just having a taste?

- The pumps are playing up a bit. - Sure.

Wouldn't want you to have to come back.

Mm. Yeah, you're right, that does taste funny.

I do apologise.

It's fine. We'll just leave it, thanks.

Cool, thanks, mate.

Are you coming?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses. My change.

- Oh, wow, macho and cheap. - Thanks, mate.

You are quite a catch.

So is it like an instant turn-on or a slow burner?

Well, maybe you'll find out.

Hmm.

So, what seat numbers are we?

Funny.

Ah, you just keep those hands to yourself.

Stop the train. We're in the middle of a tunnel.

This train terminates here.

Manager to Stuart. Come in.

Pick up, Stuart.

Oi!

I know you can hear me, pick up.

Stuart!

Did you close down the ladies--?

That fucking guy.

Here we go.

(DRAMATlC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYlNG ONSCREEN)

Stuart!

Out! You're not allowed in here anymore.

I corrected the aspect on your Screen 3.

I told you not to touch anything.

You need to start fucking listening to me!

You to me!

I've spent longer in projection than you've had hot meals.

I'm not about to take some course attended by spotty teenagers

in how to fix the aspect ratio.

Nobody gives a shit how the film is shown.

Everything's digital these days, kids want realism.

And that's just what they're going to get.

- Look, l'm sorry that this happened-- - No, you're not.

No, this is just a job to you.

This was my life.

What's with the camera?

Stop it.

I will not serve another Combo Special Number 3

at a venue managed by inept adolescents.

Nor will l clean up after a bunch of animals that show me no respect!

That's it, Stuart, you're fired.

I quit. Quit.

You can't quit. You have to wait at least six months before l retire you.

No.

Sorry.

I'm done.

Shh!

Get off me! Stuart.

What are you doing?

Why are the lights on?

It's about time.

(BOY SPEAKlNG INDlSTlNCTLY ONSCREEN)

That was to shut you up.

Did l mention how much l hate horror movies?

Was that it?

You wish.

Come on!

Oh, man, my ears are ringing.

You OK?

I think so, just one too many cocktails I guess.

I'll be fine.

Where is everyone?

- Martin, let's-- - Hang on, we deserve a refund.

Let's just go! (GROANS)

You all right? You don't look so good.

Thanks.

Want me to get you anything?

Just gonna find that bathroom.

Do you want me to come with you?

All right, I'll just go and look for someone then.

Hello?

Allie?

Al?

You all right?

Allie?

Come on.

This is Allie. Sorry I can't come to the phone right now but--

Hi, this is Allie. l'm sorry l can't come--

Come on, come on.

Hi, this is Allie. I'm sorry I can't come to the--

What is this?

OK, very good, you got me!

Game's over!

So come on, then.

Where is she? Huh?

Where is she?

OK, fine.

There. lt's done.

Whoa! OK! OK! OK! Fine! Fine! I'll do it this time!

Fine! Yeah! l've done it now, OK? Are you happy?

So! Now what?

OK, OK, fine, fine, fine! Fine!

Why are you doing this?

Very fucking funny.

Fuck!

Good morning.