Ernest In The Army (Ernest in the Army)

Get up!

Get up.

Come on.

Get in there.

Move!

Get up.

Don't!

It has been the burden of my people

to struggle under the iron fist of the ruthless leaders

since Nebuchadnezzar created the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

There all those of us who, though our efforts

may be futile, have tried to bring

peace to our war-torn land.

But we tremble.

For it is written that this evil wind will lure the great eagle

into the clutches of its ambition,

and the whole world will come to the edge

of being nothing but a whisper's vapor in the universe.

The secret, gentlemen, is in your reach and accuracy.

You must have the right balance and the right power.

Soon, we will invade Karifistan.

And the American infidels will foolishly rush to their aid.

That's right, Kibee.

And then I, Almar Habib Tufuti, President for Life,

will be the leader of all true believers

when the American eagle falls from its perch.

There will be one man who

will ride the storm from the West to humble

the tyrants of the Earth.

I tell you now the prophecy of a great American warrior.

Good morning, Mr. Worrell.

You're looking at a trap cleverly devised

by the evil genius Baron von Titleist.

A mine field.

Mines diabolically disguised as your average garden

variety golf ball, or golf astemplis spheracoli.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it,

will be to rid the world of this menace

and make this geriatric pastime safe again for all of humanity.

My voice will self-destruct in five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

Let the games begin.

Yeah, another day on this course.

There's one.

Oh-oh.

Got another one. Uh-oh.

Steer right.

There's one.

OK, got another one.

Yeah, can't hit me.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

Nice try, lady.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you knock them, I rock them.

Uh-oh.

Do your worst, Baron Titleist.

Your pock-marked angels of death frighten me not.

Uh-oh, reinforcements.

We're dumb.

When you're dumb, you're dumb.

Get him, Bill.

Don't tempt these guys, Ernest.

You know what happens.

Special Forces Commander Ernest P. Worrell

receives his much deserved hero's welcome.

I think I got him in the pancreas with that one.

Yeah, good shot.

Good shot.

All right.

Whoo, boy.

Hey, great American hero.

Are you gonna make it?

Merely a flesh wound, Ben.

Merely a wound upon my flesh.

Yeah.

Gosh Ben, thanks for saving me under-fire today.

Baron Titleist nearly got the best of me.

A soldier never leaves his buddy in the heat of battle.

How's that bean head of yours?

It'd be a whole lot better if you'd let me drive.

Now, we've been through that before.

Oh, please, Ben, with sugar on top?

No, no, no!

Gosh!

You never let me do anything, ever since we were kids.

I let you do stuff.

- What stuff? - Stuff.

Well, OK, stuff, but you never left me drive.

Ernest, I can't let you drive.

This is an Army vehicle, and it is to be

only driven by Army people.

I am an Army people, whilst you are not Army people.

Gosh, I'll never get to drive those big camo mammoths

and jeeps and and tanks

and armored personnel carriers.

Never, ever, ever in the whole history of the universe

will I ever get to drive.

You could enlist.

Enlist?

Join the army?

Army people drive.

Army people.

Army people.

Army, Army, Army people.

Huh.

I'm telling you, Ernest.

There's nothing like life in the defense of your country.

Know what I mean?

Ben, do they let keep my old underwear...

'cause I hate to break in new underwear?

I think something can be arranged.

I don't know.

I'm too old to enlist.

Not for the Reserves, your not.

Why, we got guys your age signing up all the time.

The Reserves?

Yeah, boy.

You'd love it, Earnest, driving them big rigs on the weekend.

It's like summer camp for real men.

Well, I was a summer camp counselor once.

The way you drive that golf cart, why you'd be a natural

in Mechanized Infantry.

I don't know.

Look, it's not like you'd ever be in combat or anything.

I mean, you'd be stationed right here at the base.

I'm not gonna let anything happen you.

Never have, now have I?

No.

Are you gonna eat those pork rinds?

No, no. You take them.

Sarge, are you ready to go?

I was born ready, Bambi.

Bambi, Ernest.

Ernest, Bambi.

Hi.

It's nice to very meet you.

Hi.

Hi.

Let's go, Ben.

Women love Army people.

Know what I mean?

Our town.

Let's see...

Gosh, I wish I had a girlfriend.

Hi, this is Cindy Swanson

reporting for Channel 3...

Cindy Swanson?

Who's just

won the Hoffer Award for the most unusual locust collection.

You must be very excited. - Oh, yes.

This means I get to speak...

convention in Michigan.

What an awesome responsibility.

Oh, yeah, it is.

All the elite...

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Beetleman.

We're cutting away to INNI for a special report.

This is Cindy Swanson report...

It was mummified by a pharaoh.

And now, for a special report

from Frank Williams at the INNI foreign desk in London.

It seems that Almar Habib Tufuti, President for Life

of Arisia, is saber rattling again as these satellite photos

reveal a large intercontinental missile

being moved across a southern province of Arisia

toward Karifistan.

You see how far you can reach when

you use the right club, Kibee?

Yes, I see, Excellency.

The eagle will shudder when it sees how far you can reach.

You know, I've never shot an eagle.

A few birdies, many pars, but never an eagle.

Perhaps, if you were to keep you

head more still, Excellency?

But who am I to say?

This little beauty is from Pakistan.

It spits when it's in flight.

Oh, that's very interesting, Mr. Beetleman, but I'm

afraid we're gonna have to cover this story at another time.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you didn't get to finish, Cin.

Oh, that's OK.

That story was finished before it got started.

Thanks.

You know, I have worked like a dog for this station

for over a year.

I've done everything they've asked me to do,

but I'm never gonna get to INNI reporting

dorky stories like this one.

I need a really big story to put me over the top.

Well, you hang in there, Cin.

You'll get your chance.

Maybe.

Yeah, right.

The Army.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

I'd be an expert on driving those big rigs.

Gentlemen, this is your GNC Napa Sonoma Mendocino 3000.

It is the ultimate urban assault vehicle.

It has 67 cylinders, 3000 horsepower,