Santa Clarita Diet

I'm worried about Abby crawling in bed with us last night.

She hasn't done that since she was eight. She must be having trouble coping.

God, there's so many ways to mess up your children.

At least we didn't over-praise her, right?

Honey?

We have to kill somebody today so you can eat them, sweetheart.

I'm worried about Abby, too,

but I can't stop thinking about the murdering and eating thing.

I know we have to kill somebody today but we have to be parents every day.

God, I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten in two days.

- I know. - How's that omelet, sweetie? Good?

Yeah, I'm trying this new thing with the sundried tomat...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just swallow what's in your mouth.

Do you remember that dinner we had in Tuscany?

On the terrace, outside the castle.

I keep thinking about how good that waiter would taste right now.

Running late. I'll grab something at Starbucks.

Wait a second, sweetie.

I know there's been a lot of changes in the last couple days

but one thing hasn't.

Your father and I are here for you if you ever need to talk.

I have an idea. Starting tonight, we should have regular family dinners.

Tell each other what's on our mind. No judgments.

Like the kind I see in your face right now.

Sounds awesome.

So what, or should I say who, are we eating tonight?

Whom.

And as I've told you, from now on I'll only be eating raw chicken and beef.

And we'll be having a side dish of "How's Abby doing?"

And maybe some Spanish rice.

You really wanna know how Abby's doing?

Abby doesn't like that her parents are all up in her B.

Your butt?

No! God! My business!

Oh. Okay, well, have a good day at schoo...

I feel bad lying to her but I don't want Abby to know

her parents are going to be killing people.

Yeah, she thinks so little of us already.

So, I was thinking:

if we're gonna do this, we have to do it right.

We can't just kill anybody.

We have to kill someone who won't be missed.

- Someone without a family. - Right.

- And someone bad who deserves it. - Ooh, yeah, like who?

I don't know. I guess the prototype would be a young, single Hitler.

Oh, God. We'd be heroes.

And when we do find someone, we have to be prepared.

- No more impulse killing, it's too risky. - Totally.

We have to get tarps, gloves, mops, sponges, bleach to clean up the blood...

All the blood. So much blood. Blood everywhere.

- Hon? - Yeah?

You don't have to go with me.

I'm not sending you out to do this alone, sweetheart. We're doing it together.

Aww.

But I'll do the actual killing, okay? So you don't have to worry about that.

Yay.

I am so glad this is not one of those diseases that dries your skin out.

Yeah, that'd be the worst.

What if we kill that dentist who got that woman pregnant

while she was having her wisdom teeth out?

- I think that was just a Lifetime movie. - Oh, yeah, those are fun.

Hey, what about that shitty woman in my yoga class?

- Doesn't she have kids? - Yeah, but they're shitty, too.

I'm sorry, it's the hunger talking.

Man, where are all the young, single Hitlers?

Speaking of Hitler, your mom called.

She says she has a friend that might have a listing for us.

Was it Joan? She has that amazing four-bedroom on Blue Ridge.

By the way, your mom's not so easy either.

That's the house. Swimmer's pool, chef's kitchen,

and at least my mom doesn't ask me every week why we only had one kid.

Can we get back to killing people? I feel like that's a less loaded subject.

- You know how fast you were going? - What?

- Cop humor. Went over your head, Joel. - Ah.

Just wondering, what kind of spray are you using on those ants of yours?

What kind of ant spray?

You told me you were spraying ants in the middle of the night.

- Now I wanna know what you were using. - Why do you do this, Dan?

I'm just asking my neighbor a friendly question.

Well, Joel?

I don't know.

Ants Away, Ants Be Gone, Fuck You, Ants.

Fuck You, Ants.

You people need to take this more seriously.

You never want a sloppy kill.

You leave anything behind,

it's gonna come back and bite you in the ass.

Joel, Sheila.

- I'm telling you, he's onto us. - We don't know that.

Who talks about ants with that much intensity and innuendo?

Maybe he's just obsessed with them.

Did you know that ants can carry up to 50 times their weight?

They're not uninteresting creatures, Joel.

We should buy some other stuff so we don't look suspicious.

Suspicious that we're cleaning our house?

We also need taco shells for Taco Tuesday.

Which gets so messy.

I feel bad that I wasted so much of Gary.

We recycle, we compost, and yet I threw away 150 pounds of meat.

You ate much as you could, honey.

Even Gary wouldn't have expected you to finish him.

Oh.

Flash-frozen seafood.

That looks good to you? We never tried to feed you a fish.

We're gonna have to work on how you talk about me.

No. Frozen is the closest thing to fresh.

What if we got a meat freezer and put it in the storage unit

and when we kill somebody, we can just chisel off chunks of it

when I need to eat. No more waste.

Wow.

There's gonna be chiseling.

Sweetie, I can do this on my own.

No, I'm going with you. I'm fine.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, I was thinking, uh, maybe instead of ditching again today,

we could go to class as an act of rebellion?

Like the sit-ins of the Civil Rights Movement.

Except we'll be sitting at desks and have no real moral imperative.

After everything that's happened the last couple of days,

school's too boring. I want to do something exciting.

- Janie Lewis ran across the freeway. - So that's out.

Oh, my stepdad has a bunch of intense riot gear in the garage.

Sometimes my friend Jackson and I will put on the body armor

and just hit each other with sticks... hard.

You can barely feel it.

Even in the balls. So...

- I don't want to do that. - It's not for everyone.

- Hey, Six Minute Abs. Robot Guy. - Oh, it's Eric.

It's okay. Hi, Sarah Elizabeth Newton.

What are you doing here? You don't ditch school.

- Just trying shit out. - I love that for you.

I once bought a ferret.

I mean, if we're all talking about trying shit out, I bought a ferret.

Okay, are you ditching today, too? Do you wanna hang out?

Oh, no, I can't. I'm seeing Cole.

Look what he got me for our three-month anniversary.

God, he's such a sweet boy.

He's not a boy, Sarah. I mean, he's a 26-year-old drug dealer

who drives a car that says, "Ask me about my tiny dick."

Yo, Sarah.

Don't be jealous. I just have an exciting life.

And by the way, it is a perfect starter dick.

I love you, okay? I'll call you tonight.

Yeah, I don't have an exciting life at all.

I mean, I just have an undead mom

and we buried a half-eaten corpse in the desert.

Your mom really raised the bar.

I just wish I could think of something super fun to do.

Mmm.

- Do you like games that test your...? - No.

Yeah, me neither.

It's okay, it's not your job to make me happy.

Sounds like it was and I just got fired.

He broke up with me.

He didn't even get out of his car and he took my quesadilla.

- He drive-thru dumped me. - That jerk. I'm sorry, Sarah.

- You can have one of my taquitos. - I don't want a taquito.

That middle-aged fuck boy. And I left my blue sweater at his house.

The one I got you for your birthday? I love that sweater.

- I love that sweater. - Men are such assholes.

I wanna get back at him.

That's something we could do today.

Go after a drug dealer? That sounds a little dangerous.

I know, right?

Yeah, for sure, we should lean into that.

Well, we bought a freezer to keep bodies in, so that's done.

All we need now is someone who's evil, deserving,

won't be missed, and is under 18 cubic feet.

We're not killing my mother.

I wasn't suggesting that,

but it's so interesting that's where your mind went.

My stomach's growling.

Hey, Rick.

Hi, Rick.

Hey.

Sorry. I was listening to a cooking podcast. Very relaxing.

Did you know, broccoli, cauliflower,

and Brussels sprouts are all from the same family?

Awesome. So you're a cop.

Are there any criminals who live in this neighborhood?

You know, real animals, society's waste, people so bad that they live alone.

The reason we ask is 'cause we have some clients

who want to know about crime and specifically where bad people live.

- Well, this neighborhood's pretty good. - Oh.

But a pedophile just moved in down the street.

- Oh? - Mm-hmm.

A pedophile's perfect.

Yeah, perfect. That's just what we need, right?

At least your kid is 16 and past her prime.

I got a six-month-old.

I'm not saying your daughter's not desirable.

I'm just saying she's not toddler hot. To a pedophile.

That's how they talk.

So, what's this guy look like?

About 35, Italian, beefy.

So this beefy Italian, walking distance?

Don't worry about it. All pedophiles are on the registry.

Very closely monitored.

- Really? - Yeah, sick bastards.