Everybody Loves Raymond

But you two people know deep down

how you feel about each other,

how you care about each other, and how much...

How much you love each other.

Well, Marie, I don't know what I was thinking,

coming over here,

because this past month of you not talking to me

has been the best month of my life!

Oh...

Oh.

Man, I love a pickle.

Juicy.

Mmm. You know what's great about a pickle?

It's like a food and a drink.

Mmm.

This is a beautiful day, isn't it?

It's crisp.

You know, I really never knew what people meant

when they said it was a crisp day,

but today I get it.

Where'd you get that shirt? Big, tall, and Samoan?

Go away. What are you doing?

I hugged ya.

Surprised? That's exactly why I hugged ya.

Oh, there's a new Robert in town.

Well, he still has that old Robert smell.

So what's going on, Robert?

Ah, I'm just happy.

I got a new outlook on life.

Hey, have you ever heard about innerpath?

No. What's that?

Oh, I'm glad you asked.

It's a group with a great philosophy

about life and how to live it.

I've been to a couple meetings already.

Gerard got me into it.

Gerard?

Isn't he, like, uh...

An idiot?

I used to think so.

But that was my baggage

I was making him carry.

Oh.

So is this like a self-help group or something?

Oh, no, no, no. It's much more.

You see, innerpath teaches us

that we all have the same emotional doors,

and the trick is recognizing which doors to bolt shut

Robert, sit down.

Listen, have these people asked you for money?

No, no, no.

I gave them some because I wanted to.

Come on. What are you doing?

It's like a scam or something.

Happiness is not a scam, Raymond.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come to a meeting with me?

You could learn a thing or two.

Yeah, all right. What are you, nuts? No.

Uh, they said I would encounter naysay negativity.

But you know what innerpath taught me?

Like a camera,

I use negatives to develop.

Why don't you add a grass skirt to that outfit

and dance around a volcano?

All right. All right. I'll see you later.

Hey, where are you going, Robert?

I'm gonna go across the street.

I want to share the path with mom and dad.

Oh, my god! He's in a cult!

It's not a cult, ma.

Then why the hell did you hug me?

It made me happy.

Oh, my god! He's in a cult!

It's not a cult.

It's just a bunch of people

who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me.

You have that here, you stupid ass.

Well, they said you might not understand.

But that's okay. I'm not gonna judge.

Back! Get back!

All right, I'm gonna go up

and try to find some old photos.

Innerpath wants to do a collage of our former selves.

Look what you did.

You never hugged him enough as a child.

Now he's gonna shave his head

and sit on the floor at the airport.

Hey.

All right, listen... was Robert here?

Yeah, it was horrible. He hugged me.

He hugged me too. He's huggin' everything.

All right, we have to do something.

Robert is so impressionable.

Yeah, he's a dope. So what do we do?

We have to get him out of this.

Raymond, you have to talk to him.

You know, ray,

maybe you could find out more about this innerpath, ray.

Maybe you could take Robert up on his offer.

- No, I couldn't. - What offer?

He asked me to go to a meeting with him.

You have to do that, Raymond.

These people sound like maniacs.

No!

No, no, I'm not!

Look, come on. I'm not going to one of those things.

What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat?

You just described my wedding.

I heard that.

Hey, brother, man.

Hey, hey. Okay, okay.

Don't hug me. Listen, listen.

I'm going to go to one of those meetings with you.

That's nice.

That's a family.

Okay, everybody, let's get started.

No chairs?

Well, if you're sitting in a chair,

you can't be down to earth.

Hey, ray.

Hey, Gerard.

Okay, first things first.

Good neighbor policy: Everybody turn to the left.

Don't forget the right.

Super.

Now, I'm looking around the room,

and I see a new face,

a happy face,

a face I'd like to know.

This is my brother, Raymond.

Welcome to the path, Raymond.

All: Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! Raymond!

Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! Raymond!

Whoo!

Hey.

Raymond, why don't you tell everybody

a little bit about yourself?

You said that I wouldn't have to talk.

Raymond has a wife and three children,

and he is also the writer for 'newsday.'

We all know who he is, Robert.

You do?

Gerard did mention that he was Ray's cousin,

and, gosh, ray,

we are just so super honored to have you with us,

a famous newspaper columnist.

All: Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! Raymond!

Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! Raymond!

Whoo!

That really gets you going, huh?

Our leader likes to bring notables into the fold

so that we can better explain our mission to the world.

And you, ray barone, are a notable.

Tell that to my wife.

Uh, e-e-excuse me.

So you used me to get to ray?

No, no, no, no, not used,

more like...

It's nice to have you with us too, Robert.

Robert!

Robert! Robert! Robert!

Okay. Okay. Okay, bye-bye.

Well, I, for one, am somewhat disillusioned.

Why, because they like me?

It had nothing to do with the creepy smiling and the touching?

I don't know what I'm doing.

You're telling me. What's wrong with you?

Look at these nut jobs... bye! Bye!

Okay.

Good-bye.

Come on, what were you thinking?

I just haven't been so great lately.

I... I feel like I got nothing to...

Count on.

And now this thing with ma and Debra,

it's got me...

I don't know.

I'll tell you, though,

when you told us about innerpath,

it actually got both of them

in the same room for a few minutes,

'cause they were so freaked out.

Really? They were worried about me?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, you know what?

There might be something we could do.

What do you mean?

Man, wasn't that a great meeting, Raymond?

I am on cloud nine.

Can you guys give me a lift home?

Somebody stole my car.

Hey, that was...

What's the matter?

It's bad!

- What? What's bad? - They're freaks!

They're freakin' mind-melding freaks!

And they got Robert!

What do you mean, they got Robert?

They're in his head. Don't you ge tit?