I'm Dying Up Here

Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

How did they not shoot you in 'Nam?

There's nothing but bamboo over there.

What tree could you have possibly fucking hid behind?

I heard Johnny had Rickles on the other night.

That's fresh.

Can't get any more "dog bites man" than that.

This is Sparky.

You didn't think he would come to Hollywood

to see his big-shot brother?

He's not my brother.

- I can't see the weather girl! -

- Sparky... -

I'm saying, your manager should get you gigs, and that's it.

Shouldn't be trying to fit you into somebody else's box.

It's nice having a comedian as a girlfriend.

You've never called me that before.

Is that what this is?

Gotta love the comedian.

But to be honest, I was kind of hoping for the girlfriend.

You don't think comedy lasts?

We get something better.

We get the moment.

You know, we get the right-fucking-now.

Are you having a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

I used to do a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

I've been watching these Watergate hearings.

I can't help thinking how much better a president

you'd have made than Tricky Dick.

Ha-ha.

I feel like a pig at a trough

with all the material he's providing.

That's hell in a handbasket.

Mitch, you got a light?

Howard.

Wow, good to see you. How are you?

Enjoying the Roman orgy of comedy that is our presidency.

Glad you stopped by to say hello.

Howard's gonna be on the show this week.

Wonderful.

Well.

Thrilled to have you back.

Better lock the door.

Ed's in the building.

Shit, uh, Mitch, can I talk to you for a sec?

Sorry, Howard, I'll have him back to you in a jiff.

It's about his drinking at work.

- Ah. -

Jesus, Mitch, Howard Leetch?

Last week it was Foster Brooks and Nipsey Russell.

What are we now, a fucking Dean Martin roast?

Why don't you tell that to Pepto-Bismol and Rice Krispies?

Screw the sponsors.

We're known for discovering comics,

not reminding the audience which ones are still alive.

I don't care if that kid stepped in front of a Boeing 747.

Get the young guys back.

What about Disneyland?

What about-- what about Disneyland?

Didn't you ever want to meet Mickey?

I want to meet Mickey.

Hey, remember that girl who lost her mouse ears

on that people-mover thingy?

She jumped on the tracks to get them

and missed her car and ran out an exit.

She fell 30 feet,

had to be in a body brace.

She had a pin put in her leg.

Eat up.

We gotta meet the mattress guy in an hour.

Would you jump 30 feet for ears?

I have jumped a lot farther

for a lot less.

You know in Detroit, the pipes can handle a man's business.

I don't even own a plunger.

Yeah, it's obviously some sort of LA plumbing defect.

It's got nothing to do with

the litter of piglets you just tried to flush, Pop.

Yeah.

Whatever you say, Billy.

You know, I was watching Looney Tunes the other day.

You know, Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, and the boys.

And they had this cartoon about black people called

"Scrub Me Mama with a Boogie Beat."

And I thought, boogie beat? Finally.

A cartoon about my people with some soul.

But this shit was about a bunch of black people

living in a place called Lazy Town.

Now, first of all,

my people built this country for free

from 1619 till about

mm...yesterday.

So if anybody earned the right to take it easy, it's us.

I got so mad 'cause I was like, what?

Another racist depiction reinforcing the stereotype

that all black people are lazy.

Now, I would have turned that shit off

if my set wasn't halfway across the room.

But in my defense, I did have my La-Z-Boy recliner

set all the way back to righteous-indignation setting.

So I was comfortable and making a statement.

You look like shit.

I see somebody's been working on

their people skills while I was away.

I hear you been doing the Playboy circuit.

How's that?

Distracting.

You, uh, talk to the fellas?

Not yet.

Sorry to hear about Clay.

Good guy.

Such is life, right?

What can I do for you, Nick?

I got The Tonight Show.

Really?

I go up Wednesday.

How'd you pull that off?

Last week,

working the Playboy Club in New Orleans.

One of Mitch's scouts from The Tonight Show's

fucking a Bunny there, saw my act,

and I landed in LA this morning.

Grandkids gonna love that story.

It's a lot more eyes on you, Nick.

Been a good boy for two years, so...

That's good to hear.

So how are you on fifth chances?

How are you on other options?

If I had a hat, it'd be in my hand.

I need to go up.

Wednesday's coming up fast.

Can't get any further west than this.

You fuck up here,

you'll be performing balls-deep in seawater.

When you want to go up?

Tonight?

Be a nice perk if I could bump Bill.

You are lucky you're a funny fuck.

Arnie!

Just remember who your friends are.

Yeah, I used to wrestle in high school,

but as soon as I'd come, I'd quit.

Alex, how are you? Was the kitchen on fire?

Good to see you, kid.

Whoa, Jesus, not this asshole.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got a special treat for you tonight.

Mr. Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly, give it up!

Come on! Let him hear it!

Thomas Fitzgerald, everyone.

Let's keep it going for Fitzy, huh?

This is Fitzy's home club.

It's also his actual home.

So if you're feeling generous, leave a jacket behind.

He'll use it for a blanket right here in about an hour.