The Exes

So you don't think I did the wrong thing

- by breaking up with Paul? - No.

And you don't think I gave up on love too soon?

- No. - Are you just placating me

because you're in a hurry to catch your plane?

Abso-freakin'-lutely.

Come on, I'm gonna be late to my great aunt's funeral.

Not that it lessens the grief,

but I heard she left me some goodies.

All right, all right. Go get your funeral swag.

Thanks.

I swear, if they bury her with that giant Ruby

she promised me, I'm diving in after it.

Hi, guys. Can I ask you something?

Yes, you did the right thing breaking up with Paul.

No, you didn't give up on love too soon.

And yes, if I hear one more word about this,

we're going to take a little trip upstate,

and only one of us is coming back.

Come on, you guys. I'm a woman, I need to vent.

It's what we do. I mean, after a breakup,

we dissect every single moment of the relationship

until the sound of our own voices makes us want to scream.

Any chance we're there yet?

Holly, you don't get it. We're guys, we're not listeners.

Our ears were built to hear sports scores and beer ads

and our names called out during sex.

That happened to me once. I had my elbow on her hair.

All right, you guys, look, with eden gone,

I really need someone to talk to.

I need one of you to be my woman.

- Oh, not it. - Not it.

Not it... hey.

Looks like we have a volunteer.

Wow, is it crowded in here.

Would you mind if I borrowed this chair?

Not at all, or perhaps you'd care to join us?

Are you sure I wouldn't be interrupting your conversation?

Oh, you are, and bless you.

What he's trying to say

is that I just broke up with my boyfriend

and he's sick of hearing me yak about it.

Well, of course we have to yak about it.

We need to vent. It's our process.

- Ah. - Thank you.

I've only known her 30 seconds,

she's already a better woman than you are.

Yeah, well, I mean, I broke up with my boyfriend

six months ago, and I'm still not done talking about it.

- Ah. - Well, you know, the best way

to get over a guy is to jump right into a new relationship.

Haskell Lutz, jumpable.

Julia sommes, and for some reason, intrigued.

Ah... hi... hi, jul... hi. Hi, Julia.

- I'm Holly. - Hi.

And I don't want to scare you or anything

but you're my new best girlfriend.

Hoo hoo! Looks like I found the fun table.

Yeah!

Hey, let me buy the next round for my two new friends.

- Okay. - Scram.

- You scram. - I need a woman.

- I need one worse! - Ah.

Hello.

All right, now,

let's check out the talent pool, shall we?

Jackpot, jackpot, jackpot!

- Hang on, hang on. - Hmm?

How do you know that woman's for you?

I just got word from a lower authority.

Your penis?

That's who's making your decisions?

I trust him with everything but stock tips.

Okay, so you don't care who she is, or what she's like,

or about making any kind of emotional connection?

Let me check.

No.

Hello. I couldn't help but notice

that you're reading something other than a tweet or a text

and I, for one, say bravo.

Sorry, I hope that didn't sound like some slick pickup line.

Nope, not even remotely.

- You mind? - Oh, not at all, have a seat.

So you're reading Hemingway. Wow, great choice.

You know, I'll never forget the first time

I read the sun also...

Rises.

- Mmm, this is nice. - Yeah.

Mmm.

This is nicer.

- Phil. - Hmm?

There's something you should know about me.

- Mm-hmm. - I've had a pretty wild past.

- Me too. - I guess I'm what

you would call "a sexual adventuress."

Me too.

But I knew I would never meet the right guy that way.

So two years ago I became...

A recommitted virgin.

Me too!

Morning, Haskell.

Don't you "morning" me.

You kept me up all night with your carnal antics.

Your headboard banging, your thumping, your squealing.

It sounded like a haunted whorehouse.

What are you talking about?

My date left early last night. It wasn't me.

Water.

That was you last night?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I had a lady friend over.

And over.

And over.

Wait a sec. You had sex,

and you struck out?

Nobody told me it was upside down day.

Easy. I didn't have sex last night

for a very simple reason.

I'm a recommitted virgin.

Yes, that is what we tell ourselves, isn't it?

- Recommitted virgin? - Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, and when did this

little spiritual awakening happen?

Last night, when I met

the most smokin' hot woman on the planet.

Turns out she's a recommitted virgin too.

What are the chances?

I know what you're doing.

You're just conning this woman so you can get her into bed.

Oh, good, I thought I'd have to explain that to you.

Phil, have you no shame?

A woman has made a choice that allows you

to get to know her on a deeper level,

and all you care about is sex?

You wrecked me last night.

Call me, baby.

Oh, you bet I will...

You.

Oh!

You don't even know her name!

Even I get a name so I know whose call to block.

Ahh. So I called Julia

to see if she wanted to get together tonight,

but it turns out you beat me to it.

Haskell, can I ask a favor?

Yeah.

With eden out of town,

and this whole thing with Paul,

I could really use someone to talk to.

I understand. A bff...

- Yeah. - A confidant,

someone who understands the confusing emotions

- that you're going through. - Exactly.

So you'll call off your date with Julia?

Not a chance.

Why not, you little cockroach?

I'll tell you why not!

Because Julia just moved here from Chicago

and she doesn't know anybody yet,

so I've only got a 36-hour window

before she meets a guy with an actual job.

Trust me, I've run the numbers.

So that's how you want to play it, huh?

You really think you can go toe-to-toe with me over a woman?

That's right, because I've got the one thing

that you can't bring to the party...

Desperation.

Oh, really?

I'm a single woman in her 40s who just broke up with a guy

who might've been her last chance at happiness.

I am desperation!

What time is it?

Julia's picking me up any minute.

Wait a minute, you ask your date to pick you up?

Well, it saves cab fare.

So what do you think?

Does this outfit say, "virgin"?

That's my cardigan.

Until the time's right,

I don't want to let off any sexual vibe.

Good choice, 'cause nobody's getting laid in that thing.

Phil, you know, maybe this whole nefarious plan

is actually an opportunity

for you to get to know this woman.

Oh, right, like you're doing with...

What's her name again?

Okay, fine. I admit, our courtship

may have gotten out of the gate a bit quickly,

but that's why, tonight, I'm taking her out

for a long dinner where we will share

all the details of our lives.

Hmm.

Ooh, that's Julia.

- Hello, my d... - Hey, baby.

Oh, hey. What are you doing here?

I was supposed to pick you up.

Well, no matter. I have a lovely evening planned

- so that we can get to know... - Shh.

Okie dokie.

You're going out with Haskell Lutz.

Be prepared to be spoiled.