Wynonna Earp

How did it go? -That bathroom is a crime against humanity.

Trust me: Put down the coffee.

It's gone cold anyways. Never gone this long.

Between hipster coffee shops.

First time out west?

Next stop's mine. You live here?

No, not anymore. Funeral. My uncle's.

I'm kiersten. What did you say your name was again?

There's so many of them! You said they can't attack the house!

- They figured out how to get around the bedrock! - I got the gun, daddy.

Let's close our eyes and sing mama's lullaby. Just until the bad guys go away.

daddy!

oh, christ!

That's it, I'm gonna burst.

no.

Time to introduce chestnut latte to the badlands.

Kiersten,

- Don't go out there. - Why?

It's dark. Pretty and smart.

We're gonna get along just fine.

- did you hear that? - yeah.

whoa!

Hello?

What's going on? Sit down.

Everyone, sit down. We're leaving.

I've heard this before.

- Wolves? - Something's outside.

Yeah, a passenger!

- We have to do something! - Yeah, drive!

- Come on! - We can't just leave her!

: You'd have to be nuts to go out there.

Let's go! Come on!

Assholes!

Hey!

If you hurt her, I'll kill you!

kiersten?

Let her go! We're armed!

Poorly.

Oh, my god!

Aaah! Ugh!

aaah!

What do you want from me?

Ugh!

[creepy "happy birthday" musical ringtone playing]

Head rush.

Aaah! Ah!

Haha!

- where exactly? - Just outside the city limits.

- And the cause again? - Maybe... Animal attack.

- Ok. And your name is? - My name?

nope.

Curtis was not a handsome man.

When I first lay eyes on him at the cookout,

I said to my sister,

"just how closely related are his parents?"

But he was loyal.

Traits folk nowadays might find old-fashioned...

Boring.

Thing is, with curtis,

I was never bored.

Not once.

You're late, as usual.

I'm so sorry, gus.

I thought you were in Spain.

Greece, when I heard.

Listen, I know purgatory's country and all,

But is that legal to bury your husband in the garden?

only thing curtis loved.

More than me was his tomatoes.

Who am I to separate soulmates?

They said it was a stroke.

Bullshit! He was still tossing hay bales.

- Like a teenager. - Champ was.

With him, but he didn't see.

What happened. Hardy "rodeo champ" champ?

Yeah. He's a good kid.

Gus, when they found curtis,

Was he still.

Intact?

- Wynonna! - I just want.

- To find out what happened. - He died.

Please, wynonna, let it go.

For once.

It was a really nice eulogy.

Runaway? Whore? Who knows what kind of trouble.

This girl got herself into?

Spoken like a man who finds a lot of dead girls.

And you've had three of 'em.

In the past six months.

So you find

"kiersten's" head yet?

Which agency did you.

Say you were from? See those skid marks?

This isn't the kill site.

Driver said two of 'em got off the bus.

Ok, so where's the other body? And these lacerations.

Defensive wounds? Bite marks.

From scavengers. We have an overpopulation of coyotes.

This summer. Winter will thin out the pack.

You plan to be here that long, mister?

Dolls. Deputy marshal dolls.

And I'll be here as long as it takes.

Well, then welcome to the bustling

Metropolis of purgatory where nothing lives but cattle.

- And cowboys. - And maybe...

The occasional greek goddess.

What'll I tell the locals happened out here?

Runaway hooker. Coyote attack.

Anything but the truth, right?

["Brass tracks" playing softly in the background]

Well, either I'm sucking fumes out of the back.

Of willie nelson's tour bus.

Or wynonna earp just walked into my bar.

Hey, shorty. How's business?

Mechanical bull broke a month ago.

Chippendales' night was a bust. Not to mention this shit.

About a dead runaway. Rule number 1:

- You never get off the bus. - I did.

You were there?

Did you tell the cops?

Why I'm here. Phoned it in anonymously.

Uh-huh.

Two stints in juvie, a summer riding with the banditos,

And I'm still wanted for questioning in the bleaker case.

My relationship with law enforcement.

Es un poco complicated.

How about un poco of liquid courage?

Alright, just one, yeah. I gotta focus. I'm here for gus,

And curtis.

Somebody knows what really happened to my uncle.

where have you been, wynonna?

As far from here as I could get.

Lucky you. If I could leave purgatory, I'd never come back.

Why would wyatt earp choose to settle in this shithole?

My money's on the deep genepool.

Well, maybe your great-great-grandpappy.

Got a few lucky shots in at the ok corral.

And fled before they found out.

He was a fraud.

Didn't he marry a whore?

- An actress. - Oh, oh, shit!

She's probably the one who gave doug holliday the clap that done him in.

Hahaha!

Doc! Doc holliday, dumb-ass.

And it was tuberculosis that killed him, you ignoramus.

This coming from the pair of tits so insane,

- So cursed? - What did you say?

Getting beat up by a girl again, carl?

Champ!

My hero.

- Sweet. - Listen, uh,

I was hoping I could talk to you.

About what happened to my uncle.

Bring those lips, we can, uh,

"talk" all night long.

You didn't pay me a second glance in high school.

Hey, you were kind of a freak.

You have no idea.

Well...

Shorty lets you stay above the bar, huh?

Yeah, I, uh... Got a key.

Oh, it's impressive.

Ooof.

So, ummm...

You ran ranch security.

With curtis, but didn't bother to make his service?

Yeah, I, uh, hate funerals.

Ugh! Tell me about it.