Girls

I got a callback from an audition that I killed.

- Hi. - Hi, how's it goin'?

I'm so excited. It's like old times.

- Hannah! - What are you doing here?

- I miss you so much. - Why don't you come over?

It'll save the day.

And sometimes I wonder if my social anxiety is holding me back from meeting the people

who would actually be right for me instead

of a bunch of fucking whiny nothings as friends.

- Shosh has gone totally insane. - I don't know. Maybe she's gone sane.

The only issues you ever talk about are your issues with me.

All you've done for the past couple of years is disappoint me.

Then maybe you should lower your expectations.

I can't lower them any further.

Are you sure I can't get you anything else?

Oh, yeah, no. I'm actually waiting for someone.

I'm actually waiting for Patti Lupone.

I have... I'm going to conduct an interview with her.

If you could just let her know that I'm sitting right here, that would be amazing.

I don't know what she looks like.

Patti Lupone?

Okay.

Hi, mister. I'm waiting for Patti.

I'm at my callback.

Oh, my God. "Major Barbara." Are you excited?

I don't know. It's a small part.

No, there's no small parts, there's only small actors, and you're a very tall actor.

Everyone here looks like how I'd look with a nose job.

But they don't want someone with a nose job. They want someone with a spirit.

Whatever. I'm not here to make friends.

Look, they don't love it when you're on the phone.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, okay.

- I've gotta go. - Okay, I love you.

- I love you too. - Bye.

I'll call you after the interview. Bye.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I know this casting director.

She's kinda, like, proper.

No, no, no, no, it's cool. Thank you.

Yeah, sure.

- Ahem, Desi. - Adam.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

What part are you reading?

Bill.

Oh, okay.

- You? - Uh, Bronterre.

Oh.

- Nice. Very nice. - Yeah.

Hi, Rocco. Do you need me to sign?

Nope, have a great day.

- Please don't go, Rocco. - I have to go.

I want to hear about your weekend, Rocco.

What did you have for dinner?

Who's your ex-wife? Rocco, I'm so bored! You bastard.

So...

Um, something's actually come up for Patti in her schedule,

so she's not gonna... We're gonna reschedule.

Adam?

Can we see you for one more second?

Yeah.

I said get two chickens.

Whoops, they're back. Okay, bye.

Come on in.

Do you guys want me to give a different read?

Congratulations. You got it.

Okay.

Uh...

Does he know?

- He does. - Okay.

Okay, cool.

Thank you very much.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I got it. - Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, I know.

Where are you headed?

Uh, Greenpoint.

You want a ride?

No, I was thinking of walking, actually.

That's a long way.

Yeah, that's far. I'll take a ride.

No, Sam, you gotta hit the keyboard harder throughout this entire song.

You just can't diddle around the keyboard.

That's why you're having trouble with your girlfriend.

- I don't know what girl likes to be... - Ms. Lupone?

- Yes? - Hi, I'm Hannah Horvath.

I'm here from Condé Nast to do your Strenova interview.

Yeah, I cancelled that.

Nope, I know you cancelled it...

Just five minutes before we were supposed to do it,

but my boss said that we need to have it in today,

so I called your publicist and she mentioned you were here.

How long is it gonna take?

- Five minutes. - Really?

I would say 15 minutes maximum.

Five to 15 minutes, and then probably 10 minutes just to wrap up.

- Five minutes. - Great.

I don't know if they explained to you,

but this is gonna run in the magazine just like a normal article.

Normal interview with you, picture,

byline, my name, everything, and then at the bottom,

it's just gonna say "sponsored by Strenova."

Right, and I have to mention Strenova, right?

I have to mention the bone density drug.

- Yeah, I know it's a little unnatural... - Okay, all right.

- But we'll just find a way to work it in. - Okay.

I'm gonna start with some background questions.

- Perfect. - How long have you had osteoporosis?

I don't have osteoporosis.

Okay, well, Strenova's a bone density drug.

Oh, right. Oh, I can't say that.

Yeah, I think we should just find an amount of time you're comfortable with to say...

- Five years. - Okay, five years.

- Does that make me sound ancient? - Not at all.

I think it honestly sounds like you were an early victim of osteoporosis

and you started treating it soon enough that you're never gonna have a hunchback.

But can you be an early victim of... I don't know anything about it.

- You can be an early victim of Alzheimer. - Right.

So I don't understand why osteoporosis would be a problem.

No, you're right.

We're just gonna say that you found it in a routine bone scan

- after a hairline fracture in your ankle. - Okay, how did I fracture my ankle?

What's your favorite form of physical exercise?

Sleeping.

Literally no one could relate to that better than me.

I'm the laziest person I've ever met.

Sometimes I just use my chest as a tray,

but the thing is is that I really think they just wanna get a sense of, like,

all the different ways you take care of yourself, and Strenova's just one of them.

- Say I walk my dog. - Okay, dog.

And his name?

- Pippin. - Pippin, the dog.

- Pippin, the dog. - Uh, what is his breed?

Bulldog... French Bulldog.

- They're cute. They're really cute. - I'll remember that.

I don't need to write that down.

I'm sorry, I have to take this call,

- which is very rude. - Okay.

Hello?

Baby.

How was it?

No.

No.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'm with Patti Lupone right now.

She's only given me seven minutes so... okay, bye.

I'm so sorry.

That was my boyfriend, and he just got cast

in the revival of "Major Barbara" on Broadway.

Wow, wow. His first Broadway role.

Whoo.

What?

Well, good luck, 'cause I'll tell you what.

He's going to need you to support him and forgive him

'cause he's gonna be an asshole.

Hey, bitch, you're taking all the mochi.

Oh, my God. Soo Jin.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey.

It's been a really long time.

I know, we're Grannies.

It's gross.

Well, you look gorgeous.

You, too, as always, Lades. Are you still with booth, or...

- Oh, no, no. I mean, he wasn't, like... - Yeah, he's a wiener in a half shell.

I'm so glad I quit. The money was shit anyways.

How about you? What are you up to now?

Well, I finally said, "fuck it," and, as of next week,

I, like, seriously D.G.A.F, don't give a fuck!

I'm opening my own gallery.

Are you serious?

It's been such a fucking whirlwind.

Literally don't have time to breathe, and I'm dirt-poor now.

- It's so sad. - Well, you went shopping.

Oh, no, this is just a tax write-off.

All my money has been going to the space and the publicity,

and my parents are ready to murder me,

but it's just so freeing to be your own boss, you know?

I have my own architect.

I'm like, "where did my youth go?"

I'm sure.

Hey, do you have someone helping you?

Because opening an art gallery's, like, really hard.

It's a lot harder than anyone thinks,

and I feel like I see galleries opening and closing every single day in Bushwick.

Oh, no, mine's in noho. Hey, you know what?

You should totally stop by sometime.

I'm really excited for our first show.

It's gonna be super fresh, funky-funny.

Sounds... yeah, maybe I will.

Bye.

- I'm really proud of you. - Thank you.

Really proud. I just wanted you to know that.

Thanks.

He's not gonna even know you exist.

Not until the show's open, not until he's...

if it runs, you know, it runs for, like, maybe three or four months,

then he's gonna come back down to earth, maybe.

But is he mature?

I'd say in some ways, he's the most mature person I've ever met,

and in other ways, he has not yet been born.