2 Broke Girls

Thank you, everyone, for staying late

to learn our new iPad order system.

We had no choice, you locked the door from the outside.

Either way, we're learning.

Han, why would we update our order system

when our uniforms are from the 1970's

and our paycheck is from the 1800s?

Let's get to the tutorial.

Max, you and I are going to role-play.

All right, you can be the little bitch,

and I'll be me.

I don't need this lesson.

I'm very familiar with the touch screen.

Let's just say I put the "goo" in Google.

I'm going to pretend I'm a customer,

and order a hamburger.

Hello, miss. I'll have a hamburger.

Certainly, miss.

Would you like that with or without salmonella?

Han, I got my first lesson on the iPad from Steve Jobs,

and now I'm getting it from Han Jobs?

Caroline, don't act like you know more about gadgets than me.

Formerly rich doesn't beat currently Asian.

Now, come on, everyone look at their iPads.

What iPad? I didn't see an iPad

What? No.

Did somebody say something about an iPad?

What the hell is an iPad?

Where did they all go?

I'm guessing eBay.

I want them all back, especially mine.

I'm in a casual flirtation with a woman in Australia.

She's part aboriginal, but has a great personality.

Here you go, Earl.

Max, what's wrong? You seem happy.

I'm just still on a high from this $10,000 bank loan

I got last week.

And from an almost certainly laced pot brownie I ate in 2004.

I can't believe you and Caroline got a bank loan

for your cupcake business,

and not a single hostage was involved.

Max, you don't have $10,000.

You don't even have Netflix.

This money is to pay a factory to make our cupcake T-shirts,

and I've whittled it down to three.

Hello.

Speaking of whittled.

Someone used my printer, and I'm guessing it's Caroline,

'cause it's about business

and not another one of Earl's Angela Bassett collages.

What can I say, man? I'm a Bassett hound.

Oh, thanks, Han.

These are the factories I've been researching.

We want our T-shirts to be American made.

I have an American maid,

and all she's good at is eating my granola bars.

Look, Max, I found one right here in Brooklyn.

"American Ace. The founder, Ace Hardwick,

is devoted to treating his workers well,"

and not in a creepy way like that American Apparel guy.

So you're saying none of these workers

have ever found an Ace in their hole?

Look, I've worked in a lot of factories.

I know what goes on.

I worked in a coat factory,

which is why my lungs are coated in asbestos.

I worked in an underwear factory,

where I was underpaid for the fruits of my looms,

and worst factory of all, The Cheesecake Factory.

Oh.

How about we do a walk-through tomorrow

to make sure it's up to snuff?

Well, if they have snuff,

why are we waiting till tomorrow?

Hey, everybody!

Oh, hey. Hi, great news!

I just got carded at Buffalo Wild Wings!

Really? I got carted out of there once.

And more great news:

I'm starting my own new business.

So girls, you know how you have that $10,000?

Well, I don't want to clean you out,

but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?

You two should invest. Sophie's business is genius.

You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there-hair

permanently lasered off?

Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael Chiklis.

Yeah.

Well, Sophie's offering a product

that puts grass back on your field.

Yeah.

That's not a business. That's nobody's business.

Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.

I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.

Hey, there's a need for this. Sometimes, in the fog,

my plane gets lost without a landing strip.

We're out.

Oh, don't decide yet, girls.

you haven't even heard the cute, little name.

"Sophie Kuchenksi's Vagina Wigs!"

Yeah, we're really out.

Oh. But it's a quality product,

and it's real hair imported from "Va-China."

Yeah, never been further out.

And this is our main floor.

Wow, this is amazing!

I feel like we're in the Willy Wonka Factory.

I know, right?

The American Ace motto is "work is fun""

Max was expecting a different kind of factory.

More torture, less foosball.

I know, right? Not at American Ace.

And what is your position here, Peggy?

Are you the "I know, right?" person?

I know, right?

No, I'm one of the owners. Also, I dye T-shirts.

See, every employee gets a percentage of the company

after six months, so the longer you stay, the more it grows.

We've been at the diner four years,

and the only thing we've seen grow is Oleg's pants.

I know, right?

Well, Ace is expecting you. Go ahead, go have fun!

Hey, don't be fooled by what's on the surface.

You look like you have money,

but I know your underwear's in shreds.

Not shreds, Max, shred.

Just one, it goes from front to back.

Um, hi, should we just come in? The door is open.

Yep, always is.

Doors create boundaries. Boundaries are a bummer.

You know what else is a bummer?

Tall guys with small penises?

That you just missed the gelato and designer coffee cart.

Espresso hazelnut praline?

We're not here for gelato.

We're not not here for gelato.

Awesome. It's awesome to meet you.

I'm Ace Hardwick.

Look, "Ace", we're not about to give you $10,000

so you can take advantage of a sad, underage girl worker

near the loading docks 'cause her boobs are crazy big

and she needs a ride home.

That's a "for instance."

I'm sorry?

See, Ace, Max has some trust issues

when it comes to factories, so, we're here today to...

You're pretty much eating cardboard there.

You want me to get you another?

You should see her with tuna cans.

Hey, I see the prosciutto cart.

Who wants imported ham?

Me!

Well, we're not not here for prosciutto.

Hey, you know what's cool?

Short guys with big penises?

You're fun.

Your business belongs here at American Ace.

Come on, let's go meet the family.

That guy kind of creeps me out.

On the plus side, I finally get to meet my family.

I had this space designed for open energy

and open conversation.

What's up, other owners?

What's up, Ace?

Our sales, by 400%!

Max, this is it. This is our factory.

The employees look happy and successful.

So did the members of 'N Sync.

but behind the curtain, a veil of tears.

Hey, Caroline, here's the prosciutto cart.

Thanks, Ace!

Enjoy. I'm just gonna get

a quick five-minute chair massage.

Come on, let's slip out while Ace has got his head

stuck in that chair's ass.

Hey, what's up?

Welcome to American Ace. I'm Rico.

You're, like, really, really, really pretty.

Aw... oh!

So anyways, I'm part owner, and I clean the bathroom.

Hmm, quick question: do you have a light Cabernet?

Quicker question:

where's the secret room with the toddler slaves?

What's up? I'm Raul, part owner and security guard.

Hey, you two want to grab a drink sometime?

Fridays after work, we all hang next door at Tortilla Flats.

Tortilla Flat. Wasn't that your stripper name?

You're just jealous 'cause mine's taller

and thinks I'm really, really, really pretty.

Good luck with that tall guy scenario.

Sorry we're late, but we were busy with our other business,

the one we care about.

How can I be mad with that sincere, heartfelt apology?

Who wants to see our sample T-shirts?

I want to see it, but I want to see a lot of things.

With these damn cataracts, the best I can do

is look towards it and get a milky idea.

Hey, girls!

I want to show you some of my new styles

for my "Everybody's Merkin for the Weekend" collection.