Brickleberry

Congratulations, billy.

You win most handicapped.

This is bullshit!

- And now, the award for coolest,

Most popular kid in school goes to...

Woody johnson.

Did you forget something, son?

The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls.

Damn!

His balls look like they mad at each other.

- More bad news, mr. Johnson.

I called your mother.

No!

Woody, you've been a bad boy.

Ah, ah, ah!

- Woody! - No, mommy! Don't hurt me!

- Ouch! - Don't hurt me, mommy!

Another nightmare?

- Yeah. Sorry, little buddy.

Oh, that's nice.

No, i'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling.

- Well, at least i didn't break my award.

Good morning, rangers.

I got great news.

- Jeez, woody, you look terrible.

Did you sleep last night?

I slept perfectly normal.

Yep, 20 minutes of sleep,

7 hours of intense screaming.

- Sounds like ethel breaking in her vibrator.

Wait, i'm ethel. Sorry, i'm drunk.

- Oh, enough about my night terrors.

- So, that's why you're always so irritable.

I am not irritable!

Tell that to your bowels.

You get it?

Oh, ha ha.

I guess crohn's disease is funny now.

Oh, damn it, i just shit myself.

Anyway, i got great news.

- You bought us all betty white fleshlights?

- No. - You bought me

A betty white fleshlight?

- No! Someone's coming.

- I will be, if i get my betty white fleshlight.

- Shut up! President obama's coming

To brickleberry.

Oh, no.

He found me.

What are you talking about?

Obama is really into me...

Sexually.

Can i shoot her?

Connie, stop being psycho.

- Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy

Could be into a fat, white woman?

Can i shoot him?

- Do us a favor. - Everyone, shut up.

The president is coming to honor me

For 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger.

- Hold on, i'm trying to give a .

Nope, not happening.

- We gotta make sure that nothing happens

To ruin my big day.

Denzel, you're in charge of security and--

- Wait a minute, woody, you don't even like obama.

- What? I love obama.

Now, you and connie are in charge

Of disposing of all my anti-obama paraphernalia.

What's my assignment, woody?

- Steve, you have the most important job of all.

I need you to travel to king's landing

And bring me the head of tyrion lannister.

- King's landing--is that near the cheesecake factory?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

- But i'll miss your big ceremony, woody.

- Yeah, that's the point, dumbass.

There's no way i'm letting you

Embarrass me in front of the president.

- When have i ever been an embarrassment?

- How about the time you got drunk at christmas mass?

So you're a virgin, huh?

What?

- I was talking to the donkey.

- I can't believe woody, of all people,

Is getting to meet the president.

- Trust me, it's not that big of a deal.

- Connie, do you really expect me to believe

That you know the president? - I do.

I worked on his campaign as the media consultant.

He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me,

But he couldn't because he was so hot for my body.

Wait a minute.

You're describing the tv show scandal.

- I know. They based that show on my life.

- Connie, you've lost touch with reality again.

Remember that time you told everyone oprah

Was gonna leave stedman for you? - She was!

She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple.

What do you think, malloy?

I got these to impress the president.

Do they make me look smarter?

Smarter than what?

This table? No.

- Denzel, what the hell are you doing?

Security measure.

I've got to take this tv to my place

To check it out for, uh, north korean dirty bombs.

- Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom.

- Code red! Code red!

It's a zenith.

Oh, that shit.

- Hey, woody, i got it.

What the , steve?

You cut off peter dinklage's head?

Yeah, just like you asked.

He kept screaming, "i'm just a bad actor!

"it's a role i play on a television show!

Ugh, why are you doing this to me?"

but i just kept sawing.

- Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of 'em.

- So can i go to your ceremony now?

- No! I have another job for you.

I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president

With this...Plastic spoon. - Where to?

- Back to kenya where he came from!

I mean, i love obama.

Hey, cool glasses.

hi, i'm professor steve williams.

- Give me those! - Hey!

My fake smart guy glasses!

Steve! - Off to dig the tunnel.

I swear to god,

If i have to spend another second with that dipshit,

I'll shoot him!

- So you think i should spend more time with woody?

Absolutely.

- And once he gets to know me better

And we become best friends,

He'll invite me to his big ceremony?

- Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo.

Ah, he loves that. - Thanks, malloy.

Now, excuse me while i finish this tunnel to kenya.

I'm al--

- Can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory?

- Bodean, i can't believe obama's coming here.

Are you as pissed off as i am?

No, i voted for obama.

What did you say?

- I said i voted for-- ow!

You been brainwashed.

What's that shit you been watching again?

- Downton abbey. - Brainwashed!

Bodean, listen to me.

These liberals are screwing up our country.

They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns,

And probably make us gay-marry each other.

- I kind of like obamacare. Ow!

That's the worst part.

Even i could come up with a better health care plan.

Why don't you do it then?

Maybe i will.

Why the hell did you vote for obama anyway?

- Because income inequality is a very significant social issue,

And it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms

Foisted upon us by right-wingers.

- I'm awake, bodean. - I know.

- Thank you, mr. President.

No. Thank you, mr. President.

No. Thank you, mr. President!

No, you're gonna screw it up, johnson.

- Hey, player, i thought wiggity-we

Should spend a little tiggity-time togevah.

Just big dubs and run-dm-steve.

Steve, i will murder you.

- Wanna watch willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle?

I rented it on blu-rizzle.

I'm warning you, steve.

- give him the pie.

- Oh, i made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-

P-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!

Yes!

- Uh-ohh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.

Oh, no. Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!

- - woody, i have good news

And bad news and super bad news.

What's the super bad news?

Ben affleck is the new batman.

- Who gives a shit? What about me?

- Woody, you destroyed your liver,

Totally, well, it up.

The good news is, i have a donor liver right here.

Oh, that's great, doc.

- The bad news is that according to page 2,242

Of the obamacare manual,

This liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant.

- Holy shit, fox news was right.

- Woody, since we can't find you a liver,

You'll be sharing one.

- Share a liver? With who?