Deadbeat - Third Season

- -

You were expecting something fun size?

Out! Get out!

Tyson, it's me. Hey, it's Pac.

You know him?

Yeah, I know him.

- - Thanks.

So, you look, uh, different.

It was time to read the tea leaves, bro.

Weed's practically legal now.

My supplier's dead anyway.

Do you fucking live here?

Yeah, yeah, I fucking live here.

This is my fucking house.

So, wait, where you been hiding out, man?

You think maybe we could hide together?

What do you think for hide duration?

- Like, 50 years? - Nobody told you?

- What? - Roofie took the fall

for both Nana and Camomile.

- What?! - Mm-hmm.

So he's back in jail?

Nah. Lucky son of a bitch fled the country.

Made it all the way to South America.

Made a damn good name for himself, too.

Wow.

Well, good... yeah, good for him.

Living it up.

- Nah, he's dead, too. - What?!

You live by the ass, you die by the ass.

It's how he always wanted to go.

Take care of yourself, Pac.

Yeah. Wait... wait, Tyson.

Let me ask you one last thing.

You think maybe

you could borrow me a little money?

I gotta get the fuck out of here, man.

I can't handle it anymore. The smell of jizz

makes it almost impossible to enjoy creamy foods.

Why don't you take a ghost case?

Fuck ghosts, man!

Freelance work is for suckers.

I need a steady income, you dig?

Why don't you just get a job here, soft hands?

I have a job. I'm working here right now.

Only pays enough for this room.

Trust me, nothing around here comes easy.

I believe that.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sounds like you're looking for an easy score.

- Fuck off. - I died with drugs on me.

- Don't give a shit. - You deliver them, you get paid.

Oh, f...

Not gonna happen, dude.

Clean up, room five!

Big stain on ceiling.

- Okay, I'll get to it. - Before it dries, chub-chub.

I'll get to it!

A short walk and you'll have drugs on hand.

It's that simple.

- - Oh, yeah.

Clean up, room six!

Ceiling, floor, curtain!

Okay, maybe I could take a short walk.

Hey, does anybody here drive a black hearse?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I think

- it's being towed out front. - Oh.

Yeah.

- Eso. -

Whatever. Let's make this quick.

Mm-hmm. No drugs on you.

What a surprise. Fuck it. I'm out.

- No, no. Hold on. - What?

- I didn't lie to you. - You did lie, you liar!

- Drugs on me. On me. - What do you mean?

Way up onside me.

Are you trying to say "inside me"?

- Ah, mm-hmm. - Inside you?

- Yes. -

- I am the son of a drug mule. - I don't care.

Don't do it. Don't you fucking dare!

And not just any drug mule.

The most legendary drug mule to ever clench his cheek

on God's green earth.

His name is "El Caboose."

Notorious among cartels, gangs...

he's even dipped his rectum in Tinseltown.

They say he once kept a thermos of soup warm

- up there for 48 hours. - I don't buy it.

And he was a terrific father to boot.

I was actually born in Mexico.

Legend has it he carried me across the border...

- Don't say... - in his anus.

In his anus?

- Wow. - All I ever wanted

was to be in the family business,

to follow in his bowlegged footsteps.

Unfortunately for me,

I died on my burro's maiden voyage.

Right, let me guess.

The drugs leaked into your system

and you died of an overdose?

No. Free Chex Mix at the airport bar.

So much bacteria in there.

Cool story, bro.

Lots of good details in there,

but you gotta be out of your goddamn mind

if you think I'm gonna go rooting around

in your recently deceased asshole

to pull out some fucking drugs.

You do the drop, and you'll get $5,000.

Do you have a lube preference or a...

you know what, I'm just gonna skip it altogether

and punch-fuck my way in there.

Maybe one courtesy spit, no?

Okay.

- Mm. - Okay.

Oh, that's surprisingly accommodating.

Okay, what exactly am I looking for in here?

Five heroin balloons.

There's three, four.

Oh, that fifth one's being a little...

a little devil.

Yeah, it's worked its way up

into your large intestine, I think.

Got it. Okay, here they come.

- - I got it!

- Hey! - Yes!

- Ew! - Still right on schedule.

I have until sunset tonight, hmm.

- - Oh, fuck, someone's coming.

Oh, shit. Okay.

Shit! Oh, fuck. What do we do, what do we do?!

Relax.

- Take a deep breath. -

And just jam them up your ass.

What?

Seriously?

- Just fucking do it, man! - Fuck, fuck, fuck, okay.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?

Okay.

There it goes!

Okay. I did it.

Wait, why the fuck did I do that?

I'm wearing cargo pants.

Son of Christ.

I can...

explain.

Don't bother.

There's no Tinder for people like us.

What's Tinder? "People like us"?

Oh, God, I am foaming at the puss right now.

Oh, no. No. Why'd you put those two words together?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, yes, baby. Let me take the lead on this one.

I am so hot right now.

No, I can't. I really can't. I can't...

I can't because I just got out of a long-term relationship

and it still stings.

Oh, yeah. Me, too, baby.

I had a big, strong fireman right on this table last week

and I sat on his face until I broke that jaw.

I gotta leave.

How can something so cold be so hot, am I right?

Yeah, but more like... no.

- Get in there, come on. - No!

Get...

What on earth is going on in here?

Mr. Lowell! This man assaulted me!

What? I... no. What?

This pervert, he forced his fetish on me

and he made me violate myself with this sexy dead corpse.

- Good God. - No, come on now, Mr. Lowell.

Aren't you just a tad bit suspicious

about the way she worded that?

Quick, Mr. Lowell, help me perform a citizen's arrest.

What?

Okay.

Toilet in the back if you need to unload.

What are you doing? We have a drop to make.

You think I wanna be in here?

- - Ugh!

- -

Can't poop in public, huh?

Uh...

Yeah, me either.

You know, I always thought someone should invent an app

that takes pictures of your bathroom at home

and then projects them into any public pooping scenario.

You know, sort of trick the brain

- into emptying the bowels. -

Hey, that's... that's actually a brilliant idea.

- You should make that. - Yeah, I'll get around to it.

- Yeah, cool. - I'm Clyde, by the way.

- Hey, Clyde. Kevin. - Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Smelly handshake you got there.

I know, it's... it's been a long day.

Hey, I hear that.

Hey, did you know that it's illegal to smoke weed