Broad City

- Cute. - So?

Welcome to Wayne. This is it.

If I were just 30 years younger.

Dad, then what?

Then we'd be best friends and hang out all the time.

Get your head outta the gutter.

Come here, you.

Yeah...

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

All right. I'll just hang out.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!

- Ha! - Whoa.

So, how do you ladies like my car?

Yeah, it's a pretty sweet ride.

- It's fine. - Ilana, you don't like my car?

- I can tell. - It's....

- You sort of had this little... - I'm a little squished back here.

I think if I were in... In the front,

maybe I would be less nauseous and more physically comfortable.

It's a time share.

Me, Larry G., Duckbutter, Bobby G., we all went in on it.

I am rock hard that I'm gonna see your childhood bedroom, Ab.

It is so important for a relationship to see a boyfriend's roots.

- What? - A friend's roots, I said.

Yeah, you said boyfriend, but...

Dad, I cannot believe that you're turning my bedroom into an infrared sauna.

You've been talking about this since the day you dropped me off at college,

- so I'm supportive. - So GOOP.

You should get a V-steam for the next time we come in.

- V-steam? - I don't know what that is.

Um, vagina.

Love talking about vaginas with my dad.

Don't worry about that noise.

Ahh.

So many beautiful memories here.

Ilana, under that tree,

that's where Abbi found a bee's nest

and was stung over 300 times.

- Made the paper. - Yeah.

- Congratulations. - And that house?

That's where she almost got taken by the neighbors when they moved.

What?

I found her in their Winnebago in a large cooler.

Really?

And over there is where Patty and I told her we were getting a divorce.

I never understood why you did it by the trash.

Well, you liked playing in the trash so much as a kid,

so we thought if we told you there,

every time you'd go to the trash,

you'd associate it with the divorce and not play in it.

It didn't work.

- Come on, come in. - It didn't work?

I don't know. I just always loved trash. It's like...

It's like normal stuff, but it has a past, you know?

- Hey, welcome home. - Ooh, it smells good.

Ooh, my God!

Oh, such an only child's room.

- Why? - There's two TVs.

It was just so I can, like, stay on top of the news stories.

Yeah, news about what was happening with Ross and Rachel.

Oh! This is Abbi's little height chart! I can't stand it!

No, no, that's lead paint.

Yeah, my little girl did grow up so fast, though.

All right, look, I got three boxes.

Keep, donate, and garbage.

I'm so excited this is happening.

I'm... I'm gonna make some food for you guys

so you have plenty of energy to finish, all right?

What kind of snacks you like?

- I... - No, no! No.

Let me surprise you, huh?

Hope you like stevia.

I don't know if we do.

Oh.

It's the Holocaust Museum of Abbi Abrams!

What's that mean?

Oh, I mean... I meant museum.

I just... my family only went to Holocaust Museums as a kid.

Ha. Funny.

Hey, where's Will Smith's playground?

What?

Well, we're technically in west of Philadelphia,

- so the 'burbs. - Got it.

Plus, I feel like they shot it in California, right?

Tax credits.

But there is a rumor that Will Smith

bought his mom a house in my town, so...

I would kill to see that house.

Murder.

Oh, man, there is so much gear in here.

Gear?

Like, from my jam band days.

Phish and RatDog,

Dark Star, Disco Biscuits, String Cheese Incident.

Dirt Star, man.

The white slave rebellion, man.

I'll meet you at the contact lens!

I'll see you at the sister's freely.

- Think fast! - Ahh! Ew!

What the fuck is this?

It is my dreadlocks, sir.

From your body and head?

Yeah, I tried to donate them to Locks of Love, but...

Yikes.

- They rejected them, it's fine. - Yeah, no shit.

Jesus, they stink so much more than the pictures, God.

Like pepperoni.

Oh, my God. Holy shit!

Oh, my God!

What, what happened, what? Oh, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's...

- Do you know who this is? - Here we go.

This is a first edition

JonBenét Ramsey commemorative Beanie Baby.

This is more rare than the Princess Diana.

I ran for this. My heart stopped.

I'm sorry.

All right, look.

Get your palates primes for my bialy bites.

Aw, I wanted to keep that a surprise.

All right.

This is unreal.

You know, Ilana, you can have it.

I always felt weird about "getting rid" of her.

Do you even realize what you're saying?

I know you think it's stupid,

but you have to be aware of the fluctuations

in the Beanie Baby market.

I say it all the time.

This could be our future. Look at her.

Look at me, I'm fully engorged.

Ilana, come on.

I'm not sexually aroused, I'm fiscally aroused.

- Cool your jets. - Okay.

The Beanie boards are gonna light up tonight, baby!

JonBenét, look at her.

You're a star.

Fuck!

Fuck me in fucking face!

This is so bad.

What?

Alice Ackerman was one of my best friends in middle school, all right?

- I'm following. - We drifted apart in high school,

mostly because I started smoking weed,

but also because she got in the varsity field hockey team.

That's normal, it happens, and that's healthy.

Senior year, she got hit by a school bus.

On a Saturday.

Shabbat.

So I organized this entire dance-a-thon

to raise money for her medical bills

and I raised over $900.

That is amazing.

Yeah, really amazing.

Amazing that I fucking never gave her the money.

Oh, bitch.

You know, it totally makes perfect sense, typical Abbi.

Senior year is when I got into mushrooms.

I hear that mushrooms can affect your memory and your sex drive, right?

Where am I?

I'm just kidding.

She's probably horribly disfigured.

Maybe it's about time there's an elephant woman.

I did nothing to help this girl.

Nothing!

Was I a terrible person?

You know what?

Maybe, I don't know.

But if we give it back tonight,

you can atone for this.

Yes.

You're right, yes. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna do this right now.

Give me one second, I just fully backlit JonBebé.

She is going on the Beanie boards tonight.

Yass, yass, yass.

Yass. EBay on fire!

Yes! Natural.

Relax. Nothing.

Gorge, gorge.

Sassy girl.

All right, I'm not gonna say that.

Cool.

Dude, this is so weird.

We're just gonna, like, show up

at her family's bowling alley just hoping she's there?

You know, you don't need to wear a helmet.

I'm a very good driver.

It is insane that you drive a car with no doors.

You are such a goy for driving this car, it is unbelievable.

I want a DNA test.

Okay, do you think Will Smith's mom lives around here?

By the bowling alley? No.

Will would buy, like, a much better spot.

No shoes, no entrance.

Yes, you, the Jews.

I'm... we're not even bowling...

Hep!