Malcolm in the Middle

What are you doing? We've started showering in gym class.

# Yes, no

# Maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

Could you pass the peas, please? (ALL LAUGH)

Thank you.

You're welcome. Hal?

Alright, boys. That's enough. (ALL LAUGH)

For once could we have a civilised conversation during dinner free of sound effects?

It's not asking too much for us to have some nice dinner conversation.

Malcolm, how was school? History class was cool.

Tell us about it. Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap out of Fred Nason.

He beat up Fred Nason? He's huge! Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off

and Jimmy punched him in the face five times in a row in a second!

Fred fell and he started hitting him. It was way cool!

Jimmy Perkins is crazy. I told you, crazy beats big every time.

So, how was your day, dear?

Hey, how's Alaska? Where are you? You were meant to be here already!

No-one will pick me up, I ran out of money and had to work for a week.

There's a serial killer loose in Idaho who looks just like me.

I don't know how much longer they'll hold the job. "I'm almost there!"

Do I take the provincial highway 99

or the 27 to provincial highway 12? What?! I'm near to British Columbia.

I'm in Bellingham, Washington. Francis, you're 2,000 miles away!

What?! No way! I've just exchanged all my money for Alaskan dollars!

There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars! Sir!

Are you almost finished with that? What have you got in mind?

Will you watch the boys next Tuesday night? I've joined a book club.

You don't wanna do that. I joined a record club. They hounded me for years. It's not that sort of club.

This is women from school. Adults discussing books.

Oh. I live in a house filled with boys. I listen to boy talk

and boy noises. I need to spend some time with females.

Mmm-hmm. When I see them they invite me to do things and I never go.

Yeah? I need to do this for my sanity.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yes! Yes. Are you even listening to me?

Of course I am. Here's what I think.

It's a great idea. It's about time you did something like this.

You have a brilliant and beautiful mind that needs challenging.

I hope those women can keep up with you.

Make a wish.

I left the phone number on the counter. The dishes are in the sink.

The batteries from the remote are in the smoke alarm. Just for tonight!

Will you relax, honey? You're off the clock! This is your night out!

Just enjoy yourself, huh? Yeah, Mom. Stop worrying. Have fun.

Take the garbage cans to the kerb tonight. Stop worrying! Go have some fun!

Now? No, let's let Mom get a few blocks away.

Right. This could be a trick. What are you talking about?

We've got fireworks buried outside. We'll dig them up while Mom's gone.

Tracy Hines is having a party. We're not invited. Our justice will be swift but fair.

We'll be fine! 'I don't want to screw this up.'

'Lois needs time to herself. She deserves a night out.'

'She'll have fun and will come home happy.'

'I just have to keep the boys under control. What am I talking about?'

'They're good kids. What am I talking about? They're monsters!'

'They'll destroy everything and then ruin Lois's night! Then she'll feel

like we can't be trusted on our own! She'll never want a night out again

and it will all be my fault!'

We're going out back. You're not going anywhere!

Stay in your room all night with the door shut! Now go! Go!

Hmmm! This cheddar is wonderful! It is good.

So, I really liked the book! Really?

Oh, Karen, let's have some more wine!

The voice of the narrator was shifted from character to character.

Oh, I'll just have to take your word on that. I didn't read the book.

Oh, was anyone else confused by those flashbacks?

Am I the only one who read the book?

Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book.

What? I mean, we're all busy.

That shouldn't prevent us from enjoying a relaxing evening once in a while.

Lois, don't you feel you deserve one night away from the bickering,

the yelling and the TV blaring? Away from all the stupid little problems

that can't seem to be solved without you?

A little more.

Thank you! Thank you for stopping! I'm glad to. The name's Roy.

Francis. It's freezing! I've been standing there for six hours!

People were flipping me off as they drove by. Why would they do that?

How far are you going? Mamu.

I'm going to Green River. I can take you almost the whole way. Really?

It's taken me the last 3 days to get 20 miles! Thank you.

You OK? Yeah, it's just... people aren't very nice!

You want some coffee? Yes!

My Mom and I were screaming at each other. She's finding time

to tell the cab driver which route to take! She's a control freak!

She sounds like she's afraid. What would my mom have to be afraid of?

If she doesn't control every aspect of her life or the lives of the ones

she cares about that horrible things will happen. What horrible things?

Her oldest son moving 5,000 miles away from her.

Alright, you got me there. You're pretty smart.

I'm on the road 18 hours a day. Gives me a lot of time to think

about things, people, why they do the things they do.

I'm a wannabe psychiatrist. I'm glad to be out.

I've got a line that I won't cross. If anybody tries to push me

across it, I'm gone. Everybody's got a line.

But what's interesting is everyone's line is different. It moves.

Look at your situation here. It is freezing cold, there's no other cars

on the road... Hypothetically, if I said put on a curly red wig

or I'll throw you out, are you gonna go back out into the cold?

That's ridiculous! You can't use a silly example...

You're kidding?

OK!

You haven't made a sound in half an hour! What's going on in here?

Nothing. I expect perfect behaviour tonight.

If you try anything,

ANYTHING AT ALL, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick!

'Good. You sent them a message. Fired the shot across their bow.'

'Now they know who's in charge!'

Maybe I was too harsh. If the boys push back they might do something

ten times worse and spoil everything for Lois! 'Don't go soft!'

'All these boys understand is the iron fist!'

No, I need to get them on my side!

Dewey, be lookout while we dig up the fireworks. What's going on with Dad?

Maybe he's dealing with something at work.

I hope he'll be OK. At his age carrying around that tension

can't be good for you. Oh! Dad's here! Who wants ice cream?

I come home after work after a ten-hour shift and I see my boys

and they're covered with grass and paint and all they can say is,

"Where's dinner?"

Too much is expected of us. Our society is just so screwed up.

30 years ago you could just at least pick something and go with it.

A housewife, a career woman, sex slave. But now you're supposed to do everything and it's impossible!

Unless you're Lillian Miller. Yeah!

If it weren't for me my family would be living in trees, eating berries.

Do they appreciate what I do for them? Nooooo!

Lillian's family surprised her with a trip to Spain! No kidding!

I discovered a two-inch-long hair growing out of my shoulder. How long

has it been there? I don't have time to put myself right in the morning.

Lillian Miller brought 20 home-made cakes to the school-bake sale.

I had those!

They were delicious!

The woman just cooks like a god but she never puts on a pound!

You can't be 45 and still be a size 2!

Those are sizes for children! And Lillian!