Archer

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫ O, death, where is thy sting?

‫‫O, grave, where is thy victory?

‫‫For man that is born of woman ‫‫hath but a short time to live,

‫‫and is full of misery.

‫‫He cometh up and is cut down ‫‫like a flower.

‫‫He fleeth as it were a shadow.

‫‫In the midst of life, we are in death.

‫‫In the midst of death, we are in life.

‫‫‫‫- It was a nice service. ‫‫‫‫- Hmm.

‫‫‫‫And he had a good, long life.

‫‫‫‫He did, for a heroin addict.

‫‫‫‫-Sad Archer wasn't there. ‫‫‫‫-Or here.

‫‫‫‫It's been a long couple of months.

‫‫‫‫Three, next week.

‫‫‫‫You should go sleep in a real bed.

‫‫‫‫I'm fine. I want to be here if--

‫‫‫‫When he wakes up.

‫‫‫‫Yeah. Did the doctor--

‫‫‫‫The same.

‫‫‫‫Could be tomorrow, ‫‫‫‫could be another three months.

‫‫‫‫-Could be... ‫‫‫‫-Yeah.

‫‫‫‫Well, I guess I'll go.

‫‫‫‫I'll try to bring AJ by tomorrow. ‫‫‫‫Or Friday.

‫‫‫‫We'll be here.

‫‫‫‫At least he doesn't know Woodhouse died. ‫‫‫‫That would break his heart.

‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm.

‫‫‫‫Although there's no telling what he knows.

‫‫‫‫ Or what he's thinking about.

‫‫‫‫Well, dreaming about, I suppose.

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫No.

‫‫‫‫No, no, no!

‫‫‫‫No!

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫No!

‫‫‫‫Nooooo!

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Let me go, God damn it. Come on!

‫‫‫‫-Go easy, Archer. ‫‫‫‫-Poovey, I swear to Christ,

‫‫‫‫I will punch you right in the... genitals.

‫‫‫‫It's okay. Let him go.

‫‫‫‫You big lummox.

‫‫‫‫Oh, Jesus. Woodhouse.

‫‫‫‫So, where are you, Figgis? ‫‫‫‫You got any leads?

‫‫‫‫What do you think happened?

‫‫‫‫I think he got too far behind ‫‫‫‫on his dope tab,

‫‫‫‫so sometime last night ‫‫‫‫his dealer punched his ticket for him.

‫‫‫‫Yeah, and wouldn't that be convenient?

‫‫‫‫ Not for him.

‫‫‫‫-You little rat-- ‫‫‫‫-

‫‫‫‫- ‫‫‫‫-Now, scram, Archer.

‫‫‫‫Ow. Son of a-- I mean, just "ow."

‫‫‫‫You can claim the body at the morgue.

‫‫‫‫But that better be the last time ‫‫‫‫I smell you anywhere near this case.

‫‫‫‫Yeah, we'll see about that.

‫‫‫‫Yeah? And we'll see how you like it ‫‫‫‫when I yank your PI license.

‫‫‫‫See you around, Poovey.

‫‫‫‫Take it easy, Archer.

‫‫‫‫Oh, hey, and, Archer?

‫‫‫‫Come to think of it, ‫‫‫‫where were you last night?

‫‫‫‫-Ask your wife. ‫‫‫‫-

‫‫‫‫Ah, you know his wife left him.

‫‫‫‫For you, Archer, 'cause you screwed ‫‫‫‫her tits off at the precinct cookout.

‫‫‫‫So then she thought the two of you ‫‫‫‫would get married

‫‫‫‫and live happily ever after, ‫‫‫‫but then you were like, "What?"

‫‫‫‫-Exactly. That face right there. ‫‫‫‫-I--

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫How does that help?

‫‫‫‫Mmm. Humanizes you?

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Hey, pal. You got a second?

‫‫‫‫I do not, actually,

‫‫‫‫and I am not, come to think of it, ‫‫‫‫so screw.

‫‫‫‫-Hm. I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. ‫‫‫‫-Wh--

‫‫‫‫Do you know who I work for?

‫‫‫‫Do you know how much I don't care?

‫‫‫‫About what? Living out the week?

‫‫‫‫'Cause we're both out of luck, friend.

‫‫‫‫I left all my cash at the track.

‫‫‫‫But if maybe you wanted some dope--

‫‫‫‫Do I look like a junkie to you?

‫‫‫‫I don't know. I try not to judge.

‫‫‫‫You used to sell to this guy.

‫‫‫‫Yeah, Woodhouse. He--

‫‫‫‫Wait. Used to?

‫‫‫‫-He's dead. ‫‫‫‫-What?

‫‫‫‫Oh, for the love of--

‫‫‫‫He was one of-- ‫‫‫‫No, he was my best customer.

‫‫‫‫So, he was paid up?

‫‫‫‫Paid up? He paid in advance.

‫‫‫‫Yeah. He was not great with money.

‫‫‫‫ Right? ‫‫‫‫I mean, who tips their dope dealer?

‫‫‫‫So, I guess we're done here?

‫‫‫‫We're done when I say we're done.

‫‫‫‫I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that.

‫‫‫‫- ‫‫‫‫-

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Okay. So, one of two things ‫‫‫‫is gonna happen here.

‫‫‫‫ Oh!

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Hm. Wonder what the other thing was.

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Goddamn.

‫‫‫‫Is it your feeding time already?

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫I wish you wouldn't antagonize him.

‫‫‫‫Well, I wish you could hold a tempo.

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫Which, clearly, sarcastic.

‫‫‫‫No, it wasn't.

‫‫‫‫

‫‫‫‫No, thank you, Zerk, that will suffice.

‫‫‫‫- ‫‫‫‫- Huh?

‫‫‫‫Wha-- What's-- What--

‫‫‫‫Ah. There he is.

‫‫‫‫The infamous Sterling Archer, private eye.

‫‫‫‫And I trust you know who I am?

‫‫‫‫I do. But what do I call you?

‫‫‫‫"Mother" will do.

‫‫‫‫And so, you do know who I am, ‫‫‫‫but you don't care?

‫‫‫‫What? No, I--

‫‫‫‫That's what you told my bartender ‫‫‫‫when you stuck a gun in his ribs.

‫‫‫‫I-- Well, first of all, ‫‫‫‫your bartender sells heroin.

‫‫‫‫-Gasp. ‫‫‫‫-And I pulled my gun

‫‫‫‫because I'm trying to find out ‫‫‫‫who killed my partner.

‫‫‫‫That would be Woodhouse.

‫‫‫‫Yeah. He-- How'd you know that?

‫‫‫‫It's my business to know ‫‫‫‫a great many things, Mr. Archer.

‫‫‫‫What would you say ‫‫‫‫if I offered you a drink?

‫‫‫‫I'd probably say bourbon. ‫‫‫‫Old Buncombe, if you've got it.

‫‫‫‫Oh, I have a bit of everything.

‫‫‫‫-So I hear. ‫‫‫‫-Hm.

‫‫‫‫-How do you take it? ‫‫‫‫-Usually alone.

‫‫‫‫Thank you for making an exception.

‫‫‫‫Please.

‫‫‫‫And so, I do hope you'll forgive Mr. Zerk ‫‫‫‫for his hands-on approach.

‫‫‫‫Maybe. But I sure won't forget it.

‫‫‫‫Yes. I believe that was the point.

‫‫‫‫-I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.

‫‫‫‫-Cigarette? ‫‫‫‫-No, thanks. Never took it up.

‫‫‫‫Really? But I thought ‫‫‫‫they loaded all you GI's down

‫‫‫‫with cartons of them ‫‫‫‫on your way up the gangplank.

‫‫‫‫-They did. ‫‫‫‫-Supposed to help keep you alert.

‫‫‫‫I guess I found it all stimulating enough.

‫‫‫‫-Mm. Normandy? ‫‫‫‫-Yeah.

‫‫‫‫Omaha Beach.

‫‫‫‫By way of North Africa and Sicily.

‫‫‫‫And after Normandy, ‫‫‫‫through France and Belgium,

‫‫‫‫all the way to Berlin.

‫‫‫‫Well, I had to get to Berlin.

‫‫‫‫I'd sent all my clean shirts ahead.

‫‫‫‫Mm-hmm.

‫‫‫‫Speak any German?

‫‫‫‫You know. "Don't shoot," "I surrender,"

‫‫‫‫-"Hitler's the tops," stuff like that. ‫‫‫‫-Mm-hmm.

‫‫‫‫Bronze Star with two Oak Leaves ‫‫‫‫and "V" device.

‫‫‫‫Legion of Merit. ‫‫‫‫Croix de Guerre with Palm.

‫‫‫‫Silver Star with two Oak Leaves.

‫‫‫‫Distinguished Service Cross ‫‫‫‫with one Oak Leaf and "V" device.

‫‫‫‫Three Purple Hearts. ‫‫‫‫It goes on, Mr. Archer.

‫‫‫‫Yeah, senior year, ‫‫‫‫I was voted class flirt.

‫‫‫‫And yet, you turned down a battlefield ‫‫‫‫commission to second lieutenant.

‫‫‫‫Well, after class flirt, I mean--

‫‫‫‫In fact, you left the army ‫‫‫‫at the same rank you went in.

‫‫‫‫Buck private.

‫‫‫‫And do you know what that tells me?

‫‫‫‫I need a new lock on my diary?

‫‫‫‫That you don't like taking orders.

‫‫‫‫Yeah, or having my time wasted.

‫‫‫‫So, if you'll excuse me--

‫‫‫‫Oh, no. I will not.

‫‫‫‫-Excuse me? ‫‫‫‫-No... I just said.

‫‫‫‫-Sorry? ‫‫‫‫-Me too.

‫‫‫‫-I-- Wait. No. I meant-- ‫‫‫‫-I know what you meant.

‫‫‫‫I-- Look, I'm just trying to find ‫‫‫‫the bastard who killed my partner.

‫‫‫‫With which, perhaps, I can help you.

‫‫‫‫With which-- Hang on. Wait, really?

‫‫‫‫Perhaps.

‫‫‫‫But before I could help you, ‫‫‫‫I would need you to help me.

‫‫‫‫I'll do anything to find ‫‫‫‫Woodhouse's killer.

‫‫‫‫And then avenge his death.

‫‫‫‫Well then, Mr. Archer, ‫‫‫‫what would you say if I offered you a job?

‫‫‫‫I'd probably say yes.

‫‫‫‫And also bourbon.

‫‫‫‫ ‫‫‫‫Len Trexler.

‫‫‫‫I assume you're familiar with him?

‫‫‫‫ ‫‫‫‫Who isn't?

‫‫‫‫He's the biggest mobster in LA.

‫‫‫‫Well, maybe not for much longer.

‫‫‫‫Why, is he sick?

‫‫‫‫Wh-- No, you ass.

‫‫‫‫Although you could say ‫‫‫‫that his time has come.

‫‫‫‫Wait. You want me to help you ‫‫‫‫make a move against Len Trexler?

‫‫‫‫Whose hobby is dissolving people in acid?

‫‫‫‫Oh, now, Trexler doesn't do ‫‫‫‫the actual dissolving.

‫‫‫‫That would be his enforcer, Dutch Dylan.

‫‫‫‫I don't care who does the dissolving.

‫‫‫‫But if you help me, I can help you.

‫‫‫‫Perhaps. You made that very clear.