Preservation

The bear went over the mountain The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain To see what he could see

To see what he could see To see what he could see

And when he got over the mountain And when he got over the mountain

And when he got over the mountain What do you think he saw?

What do you think he saw? What do you think he saw?

A bullet in his brain A bullet in his brain

A bullet in his brain

- Pow! - Pow!

Have you seen this? This is the video of that cat getting flushed down a toilet.

Look.

Fat kid does karate.

Homeless man drop-kicks pedestrian. Have you seen this one?

I don't have a phone.

First graders have cell phones. Get a phone.

Cell phones emit electromagnetic radiation.

Radiation affects brainwaves, attention levels, testosterone.

I'm not worried about my testosterone. I'm worried about you.

What if somebody needs to get in touch with you?

- What somebody? - What if there's an emergency?

- What emergency? - I'm... the emergency is hypothetical.

I'm hypothesizing that at some point you might need to get in touch

- with a member of the human race. - Nah. I have a dog.

Speaking of dogs, do you remember when we spray-painted

that Cocker Spaniel that lived next door?

I remember being grounded for 17 months.

One time...

when the old man was changing his carburetor on that piece of shit C10,

I threw a golf ball at a bottle of Pennzoil.

Direct hit. His face was covered in transmission fluid.

You're lucky the old man didn't choke you with the fan belt.

I was lucky that you were always there to save my ass.

To my big brother. Welcome back.

Are we there yet?

- I have to pee. - You're a peeing machine.

You... Are you okay? Are you experiencing kidney failure?

Do you need dialysis? Seriously. Why is it that women need to pee every 17 miles?

Can we just find a gas station?

Honey, we are going camping, not antiquing.

At some point, you're gonna have to tinkle amongst the trees.

Come here.

I want to go antiquing.

Walter, I didn't mean to leave you

with your dick in your hand with the Rothman account.

Yeah, no, something came up.

I'm not gonna be back in the office till Monday.

Tell Bridget...

make sure Bridget confirms the conference call and CCs me on the invoice.

This too.

Thanks.

Oh, sorry.

It'll die. Eventually.

His battery? It'll run out.

- I was hoping he wouldn't get reception. - Yeah. No outlets in the woods.

He'd better hope I don't feed that phone to my dog.

Can I have the bathroom key?

I thought you guys said you'd been here before.

When we were kids. I guess there's been some budget cuts.

- Well, how can they close a state park? - They can't.

Little chain-link never stopped the Neary family.

Isn't there, like, a fine or something if someone catches us?

There's nobody here. The place is dead.

10 years old, front tooth is loose but won't come out.

Dad hands me that model 70, and the recoil knocks my tooth right out.

From that day forward, Dad always called this rifle the Tooth Fairy.

I hate that gun.

Come here. Come on.

Walnut stock, mauser action.

I'll take Dad's old Winny any day of the week.

Old is the operative word. You stick with your iron sights.

I'm going with an EBR-2B HD zoom radical with a 75-yard Parallax setting

and real-time ballistic calibration.

That's not hunting. That's cheating.

Look at that. Map says there's a kid's museum.

- Kiddie museum? - What trail are we taking?

We don't follow the trails. We follow the animals.

Well, I'll follow you.

I'm directionally challenged.

Don't worry, we won't get lost. We got GPS.

And so does the dog. I got Buck a present.

Come here, Buck.

Real-time GPS.

The red dot is Buck.

He can chase down the deer. We find Buck, we find Bambi.

Hey, litterer. What if some little kid steps on that?

Then some little kid can sue me for negligent disposal

of mediocre American beer.

Little kids are real litigious these days.

Let's go hunting.

Alcohol and firearms. A Neary family tradition.

I don't see anything.

Just 'cause you don't see 'em doesn't mean they're not there.

We're not watching them, they're watching us.

As long as we can find this dot, we find our way back.

Hansel and Gretel used breadcrumbs. Sean prefers spray paint.

It's biodegradable.

Woods are the only weapon you need.

Yeah, well, I need something a little more heavy-duty.

PETA must love this.

All is fair in love and online shopping.

A real hunter doesn't give chase.

A real hunter is already there.

Close your eyes.

Count to three.

One...

two...

three.

Oh, God!

I hate it when he does that.

First time hunters hesitate to kill because their emotions interfere.

Emotions are a mistake.

Watch, wait.

- Be ready to pull the trigger. - She's totally ready.

She's got her game face on.

I don't know if you knew this about my wife, but she's a very competitive person.

Beginner's luck.

Now don't worry, honey. No pressure.

I've never seen anyone bag a buck on their first try.

We'll see about that.

Like I said, competitive.

That dog never takes his eyes off you.

That dog saved my life.

Several times.

Please tell me that isn't our dinner.

- Tastes better than it looks. - I'm vegan.

I'll pick you some pinecones.

Come here.

Come take a cut.

Come on. I thought you went to med school.

If you want to exsanguinate, you cut the carotid.

All right, so I guess blood doesn't exactly bother you.

My first year of residency, I did an ER rotation.

They gurneyed in a four-year-old boy with bullet wounds from a drive-by-shooting.

A bullet had ruptured his orbital plate causing subarachnoid hemorrhaging.

He bled to death in my arms.

So...

no.

Blood doesn't bother me.

I saw a 13-year-old get burned alive outside a madrasa.

Couple of PFCs got drunk, got a can of gasoline,

took a Bic lighter to her burqa.

They called it "Hot Potato."

Court martial called it a "thrill kill."

A bear will kill because it's defensive.

A lion will kill because it's hungry.

Man's the only animal that kills because it's fun.

Don't get too close. You might cut yourself.

I didn't mean to interrupt the tutorial. Please proceed.

I smell like viscera. I'm going for a swim if anyone cares to join.

- No peeking, pervert. - Scout's honor.

Beware the creature from the algae-filled cesspool!

You're like a... pilot fish that latches onto dorsals.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

This is totally the type of lake from which a two-headed creature might emerge.

Polycephalic creatures don't scare me.

Brain-eating amoebas, on the other hand? This lake is filled with parasites.

Builds your constitution.

Sean and I used to pee in the pool every day growing up.

- It was like swimming in lemonade. - Wait, are you peeing right now?

We should put in a pool.

- Pools are a lot of work. - Yeah. But it could be a lot of fun.

Oh, we could have pool parties.

You know, if we ever have kids.

Kids scare me. They're so short.

Why can't we ever have this conversation?

I'm sorry, Wit. I have a lot on my mind. My job, my brother.

You know, he's been sleeping in his car ever since he's been back.

He got a job at a construction site. He got fired for showing up drunk.

When we had that drink at the bar, he told me that he isn't just on leave.

He told me he was discharged, but he won't tell me why.

This was supposed to be our weekend.

You and me making... S'mores.

Making logistically-challenging love in a sleeping bag.

- He's my brother. - I'm your wife.

This is literally the longest conversation we've had in three weeks.

We need to talk, Mike.

I need to talk to you.

Talk to me about what?

Sorry.

Walter, look, indices are down, the S&P... Yeah.

A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind,

obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, and relevant.

Reverent.

I'm pretty sure it's relevant.

How could a Boy Scout be relevant?

Sean here made it all the way to Eagle Scout.

- Dad always liked you more. - Shut up.

- I bet you were cute as Boy Scouts. - We were not cute. We were monsters.

We used to push over Port-a-Potties at the state fair.

We used to stuff raw meat into people's mufflers.

We used to hotwire cars in the shopping mall parking lot.

We'd break into golf courses and shoot at squirrels.

Poster children for the gun control lobby.

Shouldn't Boy Scouts be singing "Kumbaya"?

The Neary family is notoriously tone-deaf.

Our mom used to sing us lullabies despite the fact that she couldn't sing.

At all. But no matter what...

if we were having nightmares or we were too afraid to sleep,

she'd come into our room and sing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain."

Like she could protect us from all the evil in the world.