The Exes

Excuse me.

This fell on the floor.

- I believe it's yours. - Oh, well, thank you.

Haskell Lutz.

Ann Marie.

Hello.

- Hi. - I'm Steve. Want to get out of here?

Sure. Excuse me.

Tall bastard.

The tall have it made in this world.

Yeah, it was delightful being 12

and having the shop teacher make me a special desk.

Nevertheless, I'm tired of losing out to these skyscrapers.

I got everything... Wit, charm,

the ancient sexual techniques of the orient.

But when you're under 6 feet,

you're home alone doing the twisted mantis on yourself.

Oh, no.

You won't believe who just walked into the bar.

Sabrina, that despicable, devious woman who had me under her sexual spell.

I thought you broke up with her.

Well, so did I.

Clearly, she's back for more of daddy's candy.

Lady, I know what you're doing,

but there's no way you're luring me back into your sick, sexual web.

Oh, gosh.

I see what's going on.

You've obviously mistaken me for my twin sister, Sabrina.

You're not Sabrina?

Heavens, no. I'm Julie. And let me assure you

I am nothing like my sister.

I mean, what kind of person enjoys

harassing sick people for overdue hospital bills?

Yeah. What do you do?

I wash oil off of pelicans.

Oh.

That's beautiful.

Well, Julie, I'm Stuart.

I'm so sorry for storming over here.

Please, let me buy you a drink.

Well, we did just meet, but you seem like a nice guy.

So sure, what the "h"?

Hey.

Guess who's been named one of the top ten most eligible bachelors

in the city by New York Magazine.

I'll give you a hint...

He's smoking hot, and he's standing right in front of you.

I got nothin'.

Funny.

They're gonna announce it at a big press party on Saturday.

You're all invited.

There's gonna be open bar and tons of models.

Where you going?

To peruse the web for a fast-acting, yet safe bovine growth hormone.

So most eligible bachelor, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - Wow, that's great.

Aren't you forgetting a little something?

- What? - You have a girlfriend.

Eden... Cute, darling, about two apples tall?

What? No, look, she'll totally be down with this.

We're a hip, modern couple,

and it's not like we're joined at the hip.

- Hi, hi. - Hey.

There's my cool, modern girlfriend.

Mwah.

I got us something.

Pheden hats.

- What's a Pheden? - We are.

Now that we're a couple,

we're no longer just Phil and Eden.

We're Pheden.

Don't you love it?

- It's awesome! - Aw.

It's adorable.

Now, you guys are joined at the hat.

Oh, and, Pheden, don't you have some good news to tell Pheden?

What's the good news?

Well, New York Magazine has named me one of its top ten most eligible bachelors.

Isn't that great?

But you're not eligible. Aw.

Yes, but see, when they contacted me at that particular time, I was.

Well, why don't you just call them right back and tell them you have a girlfriend?

Because at this particular time,

the situation has evolved into a business opportunity.

Think about it... What better way

to advertise the Phil Chase agency

than Phil Chase's face on the cover of a magazine?

- I am so impressed... - Thank you.

That you can say that all with a straight face.

Phil, I just gave up a weekend in Vegas with my girlfriends

because I thought we were in a relationship.

So what, you're saying you don't want me to go to this?

I'm not saying anything. The decision is yours.

Well, in that case, I'm gonna do it.

Well, then, I guess you are.

- You wanna grab dinner? - Not at this particular time.

S03E14 Bachelor Party

Haskell, you're never gonna believe this.

That woman at the bar was not Sabrina.

Turns out it was her twin sister Julie.

Twin sister, huh?

Yeah, and she's nothing like Sabrina.

She's kind and sensitive.

And we even share the same interests...

Gourmet cooking, ballroom dancing, antiquing.

You don't go antiquing.

I know, but I look like I do.

Anyway, I made a date with her for tomorrow night.

Isn't that amazing?

Sabrina has a good twin,

and you just happen to meet her.

I know. What are the chances?

None! Zero! Zilch!

Don't you get it?

Sabrina's just pretending to be her own twin.

You think... oh, yeah. She's just crazy enough to do that.

Well, so what am I supposed to do?

I made a date with her.

What could you possibly do?

Those kind of agreements are ironclad.

Hello, Holly, I'm here.

What's the emergency?

I went to a new eyebrow lady,

and she got all distracted,

and it's bad, Eden.

It is bad.

How bad is it?

Oh, my God. You have no eyebrows.

You look like a bond villain.

What am I gonna do?

One of the bachelors at Phil's party

is this hot lawyer, Ed Stevens.

Oh, I've just been dying to meet him forever,

but I-I can't let him see me look like this.

I'm sorry you let me see you like this.

You know I can't sleep after I see a horror film.

Hey, just make me pretty.

All right, jeez.

So I can't believe you're letting Phil go through with this bachelor thing.

The decision was his, and he made the wrong one.

So what are you gonna wear? It's got to be something hot.

Ooh, how about that dress that makes you look

like two boobs coming out of a shot glass?

Yes, that would be a good one

if I was going, but I'm not.

Well, you have to go.

I mean, there's gonna be tons of beautiful women there.

And after all, this is Phil we're talking about.

No, no, I'm not gonna be one of those insecure, clingy women

who has to keep tabs on her man.

- You look surprised. - I'm not surprised.

I'm worried. I'm concerned.

No, I mean your eyebrows.

Haskell, guess what.

I did some checking,

and it turns out Julie really does exist.

Mm-hmm, she has a Facebook page,

a Twitter account, and a website.

That proves nothing.

Google "Dr. Rhett McLellan."

That's you in a lab coat.

Indeed.

And yes, that is the space shuttle

in the background.

So you're saying that Sabrina just created an online persona to fool me?

Well, I wouldn't put it past her.

But how am I gonna find out for sure?

Did Sabrina have any distinguishing scars,

moles,

extra nipples?

I've known one or two thripples in my time.

Oh, wait.

She does have a tattoo of a winking Satan on her inner thigh.

So now, all I have to do is find a way to get a peek at it.

If it's not there, I'll know it's Julie.

Sounds like a plan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to try on my new pair of height helpers.

You bought elevator shoes?

Don't you judge me.

You could use a few inches yourself.

Hey, I thought I heard you.

Where you been?

You know, out, just doing a little shopping for the party.

Uhhuh, uh-huh. Is that a new suit?

Yeah, it's a business suit

because that's what this is about, business.

Uhhuh.

You know what? Maybe I should come.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I wasn't there to support you?

You know, for business.

Uh, see, the thing is

I would love that, but I don't think

the magazine would look kindly

on one of their bachelors having a girlfriend.

Oh, don't worry. They'll never know.

I'll just be another single girl at the party.

But, Phil, this is your night,

and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable if I'm there.

So it's your decision.