Sliding Doors

Hello, Helen... I' d almost forgotten you work here.

I know, I know, you'd almost forgotten I work here...

but I swear I was up all night toying with ideas for the fashion show...

and I've really hit on something. You see...

What?

I took four bottles of vodka on Friday, it was my birthday, you know that

I was having a party and I was running late, so I borrowed some

I bought some more to replace it.

Not a lot of use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives

who dropped by late Friday.

Off the top of my head, you could have told them you'd run out.

It's, it's popular stuff.

Bullshit, bullshit... We're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?

But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?

No.

So I'm out... am I?

Well, this is just perfect.

Congratulations. You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it.

Very well done.

For theft. Pretty foolproof.

Okay, I'll go... I'll go

I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place.

Best I get out before I start growing a penis.

Oh! Told you... lesbian.

I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?

No Oops.

Thank you.

District Line information. Due to a derailment at Victoria...

District Line trains are subject to extensive delay.

We suggest you find alternative means of transport.

Are you all right, love? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut.

Might need a couple of stitches... Come on.

Oh-oh... Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?

What?

'Elastic Thrombosis'. They're guilty of lyric poaching.

They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?

I don't know, sorry.

Of course you do. Come on, everyone is born knowing all

the Beatles' lyrics instinctively.

They're passed into the foetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff.

In fact, they should be called 'The Foetles'

Not a fan, clearly.

It's funny the way nobody talks on the tubes, isn't it?

I mean, I rarely catch the tube myself but, er... or lifts.

Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why is that?

Perhaps we think everyone else in the tube or the lift

is a potential psychopath or a drunk...

so we close down and pretend to... read a book or something.

You've got a terrible tea stain on your book.

Look, I don't think you're a psychopath. I just want to read my book.

I, I understand. I apologise.

I'm in a little bit of a good mood today as a matter of fact so I'll just

sorry.

Have we met before?

No, no, honestly, honestly, I'm, you... you seem familiar

I don't think so.

Yes... Yes, you were in the lift just now.

You dropped your earring, I picked it up.

Oh yes, you did... Thank you.

Pleasure.

Do you work there?

I did do but I've just been fired. Okay?

Oh no, that's... that's horrible, I'm sorry.

It's okay, you didn't do it

I thank you for your concern and glad you're in a good mood, et cetera

I thank you for picking up my earring but... I just want to read my book.

Well, I get off at this stop. I'm only telling you in case

you get off at this stop, too...

and you get up before me and then I get up and you think

I'm following you which I'm not

I mean, I wouldn't. I mean...

you know.

I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me.

I'm really not a nutcase... I apologise.

Excuse me. Um, I'm sorry.

I, I'm sure you're not a nutcase or a psycho or anything, it's just that, um.

I'm not, I'm not that good at, um... you know, um...

Constructing sentences?

Anyway...

I'm James

Helen.

I never figured out why we didn't make it, Gerry.

You went back to America, remember? I couldn't afford the bus fares

I came back though.

Turn my back for three lousy years and you callously ditch me for another woman.

Mmm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous.

I live with someone. A man. I live with a man.

Really?

Mmm! I have people consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much.

And what would he say if he knew you were walking up from the tube in broad daylight

with a complete stranger? Mmm, big deal.

Well, it was nice to meet you, Helen... Sorry about your job, really

I suppose being a Gemini can have its down sides.

Hey, remember what the Monty Python boys say?

What..."Always look on the bright side of life"?

No..."Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".

What?

I didn't think you liked Elton John.

I, I do, I do sometimes.

You really shouldn't just stop like that. Set a woman back three days

doing a thing like that.

Who is she?

She's Lydia.

Well, I've had a dreadful day.

I got sacked. And so did you it would seem.

Cup of tea?

That'd be nice.

You bastard! You bastard!

You useless shagging bastard!

I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva.

I am working all hours to support you while you are supposedly writing your first novel.

How long? Huh?

Do you love her?

No, don't tell me, I'm not interested.

I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am.

Look, er... look...

Hello? Helen? Is that you?

No, it's your bit of stuff. Wednesday... shag day, remember?

Have you just got up, you lazy git?

Er, no. Er... well I, er...

I didn't sleep that well last night and then, er...

you know when you left I kind of... I went into a really, er...

a really, really deep, deep, er, deep, deep sleep.

And, er... I think I might be, er, coming, coming down with, er... anyway, er

what are you doing home at this time of...

Oh my God, what happened to you?

Well, it depends. Which story do you want first?

What?

Well... I got mugged. And...

What are you doing?

I can't stand Elton John. You know that.

Well, anyway... listen, tell me...

what happened? What happened to your head?

Well, I got mugged and sacked only not in that order.

Although it wasn't an actual mugging, it was only an attempted mugging

according to the policeman...

because they didn't...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a sec, wait a sec.

Come here... Come here.

Now sit down. Just sit here. Okay?

Now... now you're in shock, darling, okay. You've had a bit of

a little bit of a shock. Okay? Now just relax.

Um... do you want a brandy?

It's four in the afternoon.

Of course it is... sorry

Gerry!

Are you okay?

Me? I'm fine... Um, I'm fine. I'm just... No, anyway, anyway.

Tell, tell, tell me what happened.

And I just couldn't help thinking...

if I had just caught that bloody train it would never have happened

I'd have been home ages ago.

Oh, well, you don't want to go wondering about things like that.

You know, um, 'if only this', and 'what if that'. I mean...

It's done now.

Come on.

Follow.

Splash

I'm going to take you out...

and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then...

Dry Thank you.

Um, and then follow, follow, follow, follow, follow...

and then when you've sung all your favourite Barbra Streisand songs

at the top of your voice...

and got us slung out of the pub...

Ah, here we are. Yeah, put this on.

I'm going to let you have intimate carnal knowledge of a Lamb Passanda

which I know your diet does not allow, with a...

double Tarka Dahl which you can then, er...

puke up all over the, er... pristine doorstep of Herr

and Frau Goebbels next door and...

I'll help you.

Oh, I love you, Gerry

Gerry! She's not here!

Anna, you're Helen's best friend. I mean, where else would she be?

Come in and search the place if you want. She's not here, Gerry.

What is it you've done anyway? It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you.

Okay, look, I, I'm sorry. Look, if she comes here...

just let me know or, or get her to ring me or, or something.

That's all I ask.

Like you say, Gerry, I'm Helen's best friend.

If she comes here I'll do what she asks.

Well, she's got a point... You can't stand Elton John

Russell, forget about Elton John. That's not the issue. What do I do?

Gerry...

you've been telling me for weeks you couldn't hack it juggling

between Helen and Lydia...

and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again

I know.

And you didn't think you were cut out for infidelity

I know.

But you couldn't end it with Lydia, 'cause you weren't sure how she'd take it.

And I told you that something if you remember my words,

something 'ungoverned by you' would happen...

to bring the situation to a head.

And... something has.

It's not funny actually, Russell.

No, I'm sorry, old man... I beg to differ.

It is funny. It's very, very, very funny.

And look at you, it's not as though you're rushing frantically