Glee

So, here's what you missed on Glee: Puck's got a thing

for Lauren Zizes, but she's not really down with it.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.

Finn kissed Quinn, who's supposed to be dating Sam,

and Rachel kissed Finn too, but he didn't feel the fireworks.

- On the cheek? - Can you believe that?

Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win Nationals,

but the only thing she won

was Katie Couric's "Loser of the Year."

I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

I actually learned something

in my Spanish class today.

"Regresar."

Who knows what that means?

"To come back."

That's right. I realized the old Will Schuster was back.

Glee Club's going to Regionals.

We got all of Sue's Cheerios! money.

I'm past Terry. I'm over Emma.

"To come back." Now, if we're going

- to put it in the past... - Will?

It's an emergency.

Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.

"Good-bye, cruel world"?

She could be dead by now.

It's weird. The door's open.

Sue? Sue?

No? All right.

Sue.

Oh, my Lord. Oh!

Oh, Sue. Sue.

Wake up, Sue. Sue! Wake up!

I don't feel a pulse. She doesn't have a pulse.

Yeah, I do.

I just stopped my own heart.

That's my CIA training.

These gummi vitamins didn't work at all.

I was told you take enough Vitamin A,

and you drift off into a blissful oblivion.

Instead, my face just got really hot

and my jaw is sore from all that chewing.

I have nothing to live for.

That's not untrue.

Emma, we didn't come here to give her a pep talk.

I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.

I am well aware of my situation, Will.

After my humiliating failure to qualify for Nationals,

there is nothing for me or my Cheerios!

to do for the rest of the year.

Why don't you do what other cheer squads do...

Namely, cheer for the teams at the school?

Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Emma, let's go.

Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.

Will, you have more grease in your hair

than the guy behind WikiLeaks.

Oh, I for one, am not going to play backup

at your little pity party.

Take it easy, Sue.

- Hey. - Hi.

So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.

Wait, you were serious about that?

It's painting coasters time.

So, we good for Friday?

Yeah. I think so.

I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.

Cool.

Things have been weird

since Quinn got mono a couple of weeks ago.

Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn,

but I believe it when she told me what really happened.

I didn't kiss Finn, Sam.

I saved his life.

He's not breathing!

I totally almost choked on a gumball once.

I know she's into me.

I just get the feeling that I'm losing her.

I can't let that happen.

Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me

since I got to this school.

But how?

Of course. My dad always said

there are two ways to get a woman to love you:

Take her hunting and rock 'n' roll.

I knew what I had to do.

I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber?

No one. That's who.

The hair was step one.

Step two was booking

a couple of Bat Mitvah gigs

to test out how my new one man band would go over.

Hey.

I'm the Justin Bieber Experience.

Heads up, Quinn Fabray, you're about to be

hit head on with the full blond Bieber.

Hey, Brittany. We need to talk.

Why are my leg warmers on your arms?

I got cold.

But... No. We had a deal, okay?

As I explained, I am in the midst

of a career resurgence, okay?

I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully

on my career now.

The only way to make a complete comeback

is to dominate popular discussion,

maybe launch a trend or two.

I have you half of my allowance

so you could take a signature look of mine

and make it popular.

And we decided that legwarmers were more likely

to catch on than reindeer sweaters.

Yes, precisely, but it won't work

if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.

I didn't realize that there were rules.

Of course there are rules. They're legwarmers.

Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow?

I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer.

No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.

Fine, fine. And when people ask you

who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory,

you're going to say, "I'm just copying Rachel..."

- I'm just copying Rachel Berry. - Fantastic.

You know how I feel about hats.

Just 'cause.

None of you should be making eye contact with me.

Get out! Go!

Get used to this abuse, Glee kids.

I got nothing but time.

Nothing but time.

I think she's dangerous.

Idle hands are the Devil's playthings.

I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now,

which means it's only a matter of time

before she starts coming after the Glee Club.

Hey... Will, Esmé.

So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting.

But would you mind

if I borrowed one of your rafters

so I could hang myself?

I did a test run back in my office,

and you know what? There's asbestos up there,

and that can kill a person.

Sue? Sit.

Now, I understand you're upset,

but life is beautiful.

Are you going to tell me there hasn't been

one moment since your epic decline

that you haven't felt yourself

feel good about something?

Well, yes, Will,

as a matter of fact, there was...

There was one moment.

I was driving to work this morning in my LeCar,

and Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me" came on the radio.

And when it got to the chorus,

I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her.

And I have to say, it felt really good.

Sue should join the Glee Club.

I'm sorry?

No, I'd rather be dead.

Yes. She should join... I mean, you can't join,

but she can sit in.

Yes. Will.

Look, Sue is in a really bad place right now.

And you're always talking about the healing power of music.

There are studies that show it helps with depression,

it elevates mood.

I have a pamphlet.

Uh... Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.

I agree with Sponge-Hair Square-Chin.

It's a stupid idea.

No, no. The football team did it for a spell,

and that really brought people together.

Will, and this is a great chance

for you to keep your eye on Sue.

You know, make sure the old gal's okay.

Well, you know what, folks? At this point,

to alleviate my crippling depression,

I'd do anything.

This cannot be happening.

This seems like a terrible idea.

Guys, it's not up for discussion, okay?

Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks...

I mean, just wanky.

And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.

Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.

Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.

She got exactly what she deserved.

You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, Airbags,

'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.

Guys, Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks,

but she is a proven champion.

Now, we could do worse

than to have that kind of a winning record in our midst.

Let me break it down for you.

I am no longer a threat to you people.

All right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around

will pull me out of my doldrums and give me

a reason to live. Is that too much to ask?