Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me!

You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Morning everyone, and welcome to the Mr Khan Community Leader

Cricket Stadium in Pakistan's fourth largest city...

Birmingham!

And facing Pakistan today...

is the MCC,

the Muslim Cricket Club!

And opening the batting for Pakistan is Mr Khan, community leader,

and opening the bowling for the MCC

is the new cricketing sensation, Baby Mohammad!

CREAKING SOUND

Six! Hey!

Six again! The crowd goes wild!

Ah! Good ball!

There's a shout for LBW.

What's the umpire's decision going to be?

The crowd are waiting in anticipation!

It's a very tense moment out at the middle.

What's the umpire's decision?

Not out!

Dadda. I'm sorry, the umpire's decision is final,

your daddy can't help you now.

Dadda.

No, your daddy's not here.

I'm Grandpa. Mr Khan.

Ring, ring.

What? Ring, ring, Dadda.

What are you talking about?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hang on, the phone's ringing.

Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

Oh, hello, Amjad. Yes, he's absolutely fine.

I'm talking to your daddy.

Ring, ring, Dadda.

Oh, my God.

You knew?

You knew it was going to be your daddy!

Mohammad, you're psychic.

You're Mystic Mo!

KHAN LAUGHS

Ring, ring, Dadda.

Ring, ring, Dadda.

Where's Mystic... I mean Baby Mo?

Upstairs.

Why?

I need him to help me pick my lottery numbers.

You can't play the lottery, it's gambling, it's not allowed!

Sweetie, it's not gambling

if you've already been told what the result's going to be.

Just like when we bet on the Pakistani cricket team.

Pota, this is Grandpa.

If you think I should pick 12, say "12."

What's wrong with you? He's just a baby.

You're right, I'm being silly.

BABY TALK VOICE Puthar,

if you think I should pick 12, say "Dadda".

Not 12. 13? 14? 22?

Don't disturb him. He's having his nap.

Ooh. Are you OK, my darling?

Yes, I'm fine. It's just...

I've got a bit of a bad tummy.

I bought loads of toilet roll from the cash and carry.

It's not that. It's probably stress.

What are you stressed about?

Did you put your control pants in the hot wash again?

It's Alia.

She's out all the time -

and Shazia's working so hard to save up money to buy a house and...

Sweetie, chillax.

You worry too much.

Here's what you need to do,

think of the biggest source of stress in your life,

the one thing that causes you more trouble than anything else.

Right.

Now, imagine putting it into a big, black bag,

tying up the top

and then burying it deep, deep into hole in the ground.

Right.

Are you doing it?

Yes, I am.

Doesn't that feel better? A bit.

You're lucky you've got me here, huh?

Puthar! What about 37?

BABY CRIES

I told you not to wake him.

It's OK, beta, Granny's coming.

But I only need two more numbers!

And the draw finishes in four hours and 17 minutes.

"Dadda."

17!

Does that mean yes?

"Dadda." Yes!

17!

Excellent.

KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Papaji! I'm going out, be back later.

Sweetie, Alia, you know how your mother worries.

You're supposed to tell us where you're going

and what time you'll be back. But I did. Did you?

Yeah. I'm going "out" and I'll be back "later".

Hmm. Oh, yes.

Hello, sir. Oh, hello, Amjad.

Where's my little Mo Mo? Here he is.

SOMEBODY woke him up.

Did he mention any more numbers? No.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be my mummy, she said she was going to meet us here.

Oh, God! Hide the food.

Where is he?

I can't wait to squeeze those lovely, squidgy cheeks...

Keep back! What the hell's wrong with you?

She means Baby Mo. Oh, yes, of course.

He's just playing in his travel cot.

I need to give him a great big kiss.

No bloomin' way!

He still hasn't got over the stubble rash from the last one.

And... we've got to finish off our mathematics game.

Well, at least that sounds educational.

And profitable. We're picking lottery numbers!

Hai, hai!

And I see he's still wearing that hideous green top.

How dare you.

I'll have you know that's an exclusive, one of a kind,

replica Pakistani cricket shirt.

It's classy. KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Well, soon we won't have to fight over him any more.

What do you mean?

I've got some good news and bad news.

Oh, I hate good news and bad news!

Which do you want to hear first?

The bad news?

Mr Malik and I are moving away.

He said the BAD news.

Mr Malik has taken early retirement, so we're moving up north,

where the air is so much healthier.

Where's that?

It's a beautiful cathedral city, in the foothills of the Pennines,

just a stone's throw from the Yorkshire Dales.

Oh, you mean Bradford.

Well, yes.

The air might be healthier, but the rest of it's a complete... Let's...

Let's hear the rest of her news!

We're very sorry to hear you're moving away,

we'll keep in touch and I promise we will come and visit,

won't we?

KHAN LAUGHS

Yes, of course we will.

What's the good news?

We want you... to come with us!

What?!

We're going to downsize,

so we've decided to buy Amjad and his family their first house,

just round the corner from our new place.

No! Wow!

Our own house!

Yes. That's such a kind offer!

We don't know what to say, do we, budhoo?

No.

To be fair, he never knows what to say.

Say no! Mum!

I'm not going to let you take them away from us.

See, this is the problem with this family.

Too much parental interference.

Young people need to be left to stand on their own two feet.

You're buying them a flipping house!

Shazia, you can't move to Bradford!

You love living here, don't you?

In your little house, next to your mummy!

Your mummy who gave birth to you and raised you

and slaved for 20 years to raise you,

sacrificing every dream she had so you could be happy!

Mum, don't do this.

Shazia, we don't want you to move into a brand-new executive home

in the Yorkshire Dales.

You'd be far better off living in a cheap, rented house in Sparkhill,

next to your parents.

It has been great for Mo having you so close,

but we have to think about the future, don't we, budhoo? Yes.

And what do you think, beta? Of the future?

Oh...

Well,

I think we might all travel around with jet packs...

and have robots as our masters.

I mean YOUR future.

Oh, right.

We really want our own house, Mum, and realistically speaking,

this is the only way we're going to get it.

But this is bribery! You're bribing them

just so you can have Baby Mo near you! It's disgraceful!

Shazia, stay here with us. We'll give you the microwave

and your mother's set of plastic furniture covers!

Aargh!

It's all right, I was lying about the covers!

It's the right decision. The child should be closer to us.

No way! He's more ours than yours, anyway.

What are you talking about? Think about it!

He's handsome, intelligent, may have some kind of superpower...