The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I thought he got evicted.

- Did you want two more? - I want something else.

Ooh, I'll have one of those.

Russell, is this the finale already?

Yep. But there was supposed to be another act.

- What happened to Lidia? - Lidia moved back to Ohio.

In the last hour?

Life's full of surprises.

She left her snake.

And her dog.

Never mind.

Ow!

The curtain's stuck.

- It happens. - Yes, but what should we do?

Hey. I separate nuts and bolts.

See? I put nuts with the nuts and bolts with the bolts.

You are a stripper who doesn't take anything off

and just stands there yelling at people.

This is neither of our problems.

Okay, that's not what...

Never mind.

Well, that's the end of the... show.

I hope it's been an evening you will never...

ever forget.

You've been a great audience.

Please get home safe...

...and tip the...

tip the waitresses!

They're armed!

Thank you and...

good... Really?

Charlie, you guys are supposed to play softer

when I talk, remember?

I never know when you're gonna talk.

Basically, any time I come out here,

I'm gonna talk.

It's your funeral.

Lipstick.

Boise, we still got a couple of kinks to work out here.

- Oh, yeah? Like what? - Well, the curtain stayed up,

the spot never hit me, the band played too loud

while I was talking, my mic cut out.

- You want to write this down? - No, I do not.

This is looking like a half-assed burlesque show.

It is a half-assed burlesque show.

- Boise... - Let's see how tomorrow goes.

- You keep saying that. - Well, I'm a hopeful guy.

Come on. These are not hard fixes.

If we had a sound check, we'd know if the mic is working.

Mic works. The sound guy just wasn't behind the board yet.

- And the curtain and... - Same guy who runs the board runs the curtain.

Maybe we could get a different guy to run the curtain.

What am I, the WPA? A fucking chicken in every pot?

You think I got the kind of money to hire a guy

just to run the curtain?

What's he do?

Huh.

Congratulations! You're the new curtain guy!

Now, about the finale.

Do you gals have any idea what you're doing out there?

- What do you mean? - When you came out onstage,

some of you looked confused.

- Tilly? - I just follow her.

We should do the finale earlier in the show.

We're tired by then.

Or some rehearsal might help.

Unless the crashing into each other is a creative choice.

No, that just happens.

And you...

- Are you in your bra? - Yeah.

- Why? - Well, I can't go out there naked.

- There's laws. - Where's your costume?

Oh, the strap broke. I can't fix it,

and Dribbles ate my pasty.

Get me your costume. I'll have Zelda fix it.

- Who's Zelda? - I think she's the one who wears balloons

and pops 'em with her nails.

Shit. More competition.

Hey, it's movie night tonight!

Oh, I love movie night.

You gonna stay for movie night, Midge?

Can't tonight. I'm late for something.

Next time. I promise.

All of this has to get better!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Boise. - I hear you.

They hear you. Everyone hears you!

To new friends.

And the booze they bring.

Mmm. Perfect.

- I'm really glad we finally did this. - Me too.

I've been pulling all the late shifts

at the hospital this month.

The other doctors have families, so...

Don't worry. I like eating late.

Comes with the microphone.

It's very Spanish.

- The microphone? - Eating late.

I lived there for a year.

They don't sit down till 10:00. Even the kids.

- It's very different. - Oh, you got to live in Spain?

Was it amazing?

And delicious. The steak...

I was supposed to go this year. For work.

But it fell through. Some other time.

Spain.

So, how long have you lived on el Lado Superior Oeste?

Hmm?

The Upper West Side. Spanish.

Got it. Well, I was born on the Upper West Side.

I actually live in the same building I grew up in.

Eso es increíble.

That's... good?

- Sí. - I could tell by the smile

and the fact that you didn't use the word "cancer."

Though you're a doctor, so "cancer" could be

your pickup line.

Eres una dama divertida.

You're very good.

- Gracias. - Ah, timing.

Fill 'er up, please.

- And I think we're ready to order. - Okay.

Uh, We'll both have a filete meio rara,

y una guarnicion de espinacas.

That's a medium-rare steak with a side of spinach.

He lived in Spain.

I'll be right back with your drink.

So, you're a comedian.

Oh, that's English. Sorry. Yes. I am a comedian.

And where do you get the ideas for your jokes?

Will you excuse me a moment?

I wore the wrong hat.

Jamon iberico de bellota el mejor del mundo.

Do you like ham?

No.

No. Spanish.

You are funny.

Have you ever seen a bullfight?

- Miriam! - Susie.

- What are you doing here? - Sorry to interrupt,

- but your kid is very sick. - Oh, no.

Yeah, he's throwing up all over the place.

Your rug's a total goner. I think he needs a doctor.

I am so sorry, Liam. I have to go.

- Well, should I come? - No. He needs a doctor.

- I am a doctor. - Oh. Well, yeah, but probably not the kind he needs.

- I'm a pediatrician. He's an adult. - She said he's five.

Will you just come and check on your goddamn kid?!

Yes. I am so sorry about this.

Uh, we'll try it again. Really. Call me.

You coulda told me he was a fucking doctor.

I know. I'm sorry.

If I'd have known, I would've said that the kid

had been abducted or something.

I promise to tell you next time.

And what do we need a code for?

All you have to do is call and say, "I picked another loser,

come the fuck down and save me."

We need the code in case he walks by and hears me.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well, all I know is this is the third crappy date

you've been on this month.

You gotta kiss some frogs.

You can't date civilians.

- Well, who am I going to date? - Someone in the business.

I am not gonna date a comic.

A comic? God, no. You fuck that frog before you date a comic.

- Then who? - I don't know.

How about a ventriloquist?

Why the hell would I date a ventriloquist?

He goes around with a toy.

You've got kids. Seems like a slam dunk to me.

You've gotta be kidding.

At least he's bound to have a personality.

Two, actually.

- A ventriloquist? - Yes.

A man who sits with a wooden version of a tiny man

on his lap and tries to make it talk.

That's who you want me to date?

When I look at you, I see ventriloquist.

Hey, Susie...

What, Miriam?

- When was the last relationship that you had? - What?

We always talk about me and my relationships. What about you?

I haven't seen you with anybody

- since we've been together. - So?

- Just curious about your life. - My life is you. That's it.

Thinking about you. Talking about you.

Waiting for you, rescuing you from bullshit dates.

- I don't have time for anything else. - Yeah, but...

As soon as I get you off my fucking hands

and make you a star, I can shove you out on an iceberg

and focus on something else.

Fine.

What?

Maybe I've been hanging out with you for too long,

but I actually do think you wore the wrong hat.

Two years ago, you directed Vertigo,

Terrific film. Last year, it was North By Northwest,

which completely ruined my love