Frasier

You trying to save Frasier from me or are you trying to save him for yourself?

Are you out of your mind?

- Are you in love with him? - It's her or me.

Tell me now or I swear to God, I will walk out of here

and I will not come back.

There's no chance you'll change your mind again, is there?

No. KACL is ancient history.

Niles, I need to talk to you. You're not with Frasier, are you?

Why does everybody treat us like we're joined at the hip?

I do have coffee with people other than my brother.

Good, because I'm avoiding him.

Well, then talk fast. He's meeting me in five minutes.

It's about my new job. It's a nightmare.

- Well, didn't you just start today? - Yes.

My boss already hit on me.

I'm supposed to work nights and weekends.

And my assistant is an idiot and I can't fire her

because she's like three minorities rolled into one.

I can't believe I left KACL over some stupid snit.

Oh, yes, yes, your ultimatum. Frasier told me about that.

Listen, this isn't an easy subject to broach,

but is it possible you're in love with Frasier?

- Absolutely not. - You sound sure.

I am sure. If I were gonna fall for him,

it would've been two years ago when we slept together.

Well, then another theory I'd like to explore is-- Whoa, back up.

You and Frasier slept together?

- He didn't tell you? - No.

Well, I suppose it's only natural. When the wolf and lamb work together,

it's only a matter of time before the wolf gets his way.

I hope you were gentle with him.

Just promise me you won't tell him I told you.

I promise. I promise. So you're not in love.

But your behavior last night clearly indicates some sort of crisis.

- As a psychiatrist-- - I just want my job back.

I'm not looking for some big therapy trip.

All right, well, why don't you just sweep your emotions under the rug

and waltz back to the station as if nothing ever happened?

- That's perfect. Thanks. - No, no.

I was being facetious. My real advice would be--

- I know. Talk about my feelings. - Yes.

Blah, blah, woof, woof. I gotta go, Niles. Thanks again.

Oh, hey, Roz. Hi, Roz.

- Hello, darling. - Hey, you.

Well, we're all set.

I got us a home pregnancy test,

a basal body thermometer, and ovulation kit.

Oh, perfect.

I can upload all your data into this fertility program I bought.

Hmm. You kids sure know how to keep the romance alive.

Uh, two coffees, please.

Since when do you need a chemistry set to make a baby?

- I hear an "in my day" coming. - In my day, it was simple.

Girl would put on something slinky, guy comes home,

has a couple of pops, throws some Dean Martin on the hi-fi,

and bim, bam, boom, you're lighting a Lucky.

Dad, Daphne, hi. How are you doing?

Listen, Niles, I've got to cancel our dinner.

Have to meet Roz's replacement at the station before the show.

What's this?

Are you pregnant?

Oh. Not yet, but we're trying.

Well, congratulations. You've got all the fertility software and so forth?

Of course. We're not animals.

- We're very excited. - Yes, we were up half the night

imagining life with our first child.

Yeah, oh, well, first child you know about.

What does that mean?

Oh, it's not what you think, Daphne.

I was just referring to the time Niles sold his sperm to a sperm bank.

Surely you told her about it.

Off I go.

You sold your sperm?

Well, it was when I was home from medical school.

I saw an ad for sperm donors, so I sold my sperm to the sperm bank.

Would you stop using that word.

Say S.

I sold my S to earn some money

so I could buy Dad a Christmas present.

- Which present? - The fishing pole.

You bought that with S money?

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, it was such a long time ago it completely slipped my mind.

- You're not upset, are you? - Of course I am.

That was my favorite pole.

I just thought this would be the first child for both of us.

Oh, you could be a daddy already.

There could be dozens of little Niles Cranes running around.

He could be your son. Or him.

Oh, please, they look nothing like me. Besides, I went down there one time.

It's possible they never used my sample.

- Can I borrow your sugar? Yeah.

I'd better look into this.

There she is. Now, I gotta warn you, doc.

She's, uh, in an eelchair-way.

Does her handicap preclude her from understanding pig Latin?

Dr. Frasier Crane, king of the shrinks, meet Dana, queen of the sound board.

- Hello, Dana. - Oh, it's my pleasure.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Listen, if you have any questions, anything you'd like to know,

please feel free to call on me. I'm here for you.

- You know, actually, there was-- - Will you excuse me?

- Julia. - Oh, hi, Frasier.

- We still on for dinner at Chez Henri? - Yes. Do you have reservations?

Not as long as you're wearing something black and slinky.

Ten seconds, Dr. Crane. - Ha, ha. Oh.

Listen, why don't you, uh, stop by my place tonight for a cocktail first?

- I'll see you at 7. - Okay.

Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Our topic today is:

New beginnings.

I'd like you all to join me in welcoming a new member to the KACL family.

- Hey, Kenny, sorry I'm late. - Hey, Roz.

- Whoa! What're you doing here? - I work here.

- You quit. - Oh, come on, Kenny.

If I quit, would I be here? Who's that?

I'm sorry. I hired her because I thought-- Didn't you quit?

Kenny, what's wrong with you?

- Never mind, I'll fix it, like always. - Oh, thanks, Roz.

I owe you one.

As many of you may know, my producer of ten years, Roz Doyle,

has left us for greener pastures.

You know, Roz was not only known for her producing prowess,

but also for her warmth, her kindness, and her gentle spirit.

Very well then, the beginning of a new era.

Let's go to our first caller.

- We have Scott on Line 2. - Wha-- what?

Niles Crane.

Hi, I'll get you a cup and you can start--

Oh, uh, no, no. I've already donated my essence to your establishment.

Now I'd like to get it back.

I'm sorry, it's against our policy to return essences.

Oh, I see. Uh, well, could I at least check and see

whether my donation was used?

You know, see if my deposit has drawn any interest.

Sir, I've worked here 28 years.

Think you can tell me one I haven't heard?

Go ahead, try me.

No.

According to our records, your sample wasn't used.

So there are no little Niles Cranes running around. What a relief.

Isn't it?

Thank you for your time.

Just a quick question.

Based on my qualifications, I'd assumed there'd be some interest.

Any nibbles?

According to our records, your sample was discarded.

It was rated substandard.

Substandard?

Your sperm had very low motility.

- So they're-- - Slow movers.

Really? But that was more than 20 years ago.

There's a chance that my situation's improved since then, isn't there?

Can you run faster now than you did 20 years ago?

So you're saying it might be difficult for my wife and me to conceive?

Very difficult, yes.

I'm sorry.

Uh, thank you.

Aah! Aah!

Excuse me, sir. Terribly sorry.

Carry on.

Eddie, you get stuck in there again and you're on your own.

- Hey, Niles. - Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?

- Uh, primping. - Oh.

- Going out with Julia. - Right, right.

Daphne's out with her mom tonight, so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.

Oh, well, you're in luck. I just picked this one up.

Crime Scene Bloopers 4: You Have the Right to Remain Zany.

Ah. Sounds tempting, but, I'm, uh--

I'm looking for something a little more soothing.

- I didn't have the best day. - Oh. What happened?

Got some bad news at the S bank.

Apparently I suffer from low motility.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

How'd Daphne take it?

Well, I haven't had the heart to tell her yet but I'm hoping I won't have to.

I did some research today. There's things I can do

- to help rouse the troops. - Oh, yeah?

- Like what? - Well, such as wearing baggy pants.

And, uh, boxers instead of briefs.

Studies show that men who allow their genitals to swing freely--

Okay, I got it.

And, well, no hot baths, uh, no alcohol, raw seafood, uh--

And I've started a regimen of dietary supplements. Which reminds me...

Mmm...

- What's that? - French maritime pine bark extract.

It boosts fertility and also acts as a mild euphoric,

which accounts for the well-known joviality of French sailors.

Terrible aftertaste, though. Mm.

Oh--

Thought those were supposed to be crunchy.

Oh, Niles. Dad, Julia's on her way.

- You told me you'd keep to your room. - Oh.

And take your Cheeto-stained dog with you.

Eddie, come on, boy.

I'll be-- I'll be leaving too.

Niles, could you stay for just a moment?

There's something going on in my life that requires a bit of mulling. Sherry?

- No, thanks. No?

But we never mull without sherry.