The Grand Tour

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 04 Episode Title: "Pick Up, Put Downs"

Thank you.

Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- Hello. - Thank you very much.

Thank you. Welcome.

Now, coming up in today's show...

James wears glasses...

I pretend to be a dog...

and a terrorist eats a savoury snack.

- Got everything there. - (CHEERING)

Thank you. Now...

throughout the developing world,

people have, for many years,

used Japanese-made pick-up trucks.

Yes, but now European car makers

have decided they want a piece of the action.

So they've come up with pick-up trucks of their own.

Yes, they have, and to find out if they're any good,

this week we take The Grand Tour

on a journey through history.

Mm, we begin in the Middle Ages,

which meant going to Richard Hammond's garden.

In parts of the globe where there's no mains water or electricity,

a pick-up truck has to be more than

just transport for plague victims and livestock.

That's why James has turned his Mercedes X-Class

into a power station using its rear axle

to make electricity for the village.

Richard, meanwhile, was using his Ford Ranger as a tractor,

pulling a plough.

Yep, I'm actually ploughing with my pick-up.

I don't think I could be any happier.

And I was using this Volkswagen Amarok

as an irrigation system.

I'm using it to drive a pump,

which will deliver nourishment from the well

to the community allotment.

In fact... Yep, I can hear the water coming now,

above the smooth turbocharged throb of my V6 diesel.

Ah! Ooh!

Sort it out!

Get it!

- Hammond! - What?

We've gotta get... How do you get that back?

I don't know. You set it free.

- Whoa! - Watch out!

You've made it angry! Run away!

Ow!

Oh! You... Aargh!

Clarkson!

Turn the car off!

What was that? - I cut my...

- Oh, dear. - And there.

And there. And I've done my neck in.

This is supposed to be a demonstration

of the utility of pick-up trucks.

We've done it. We've proved all three of them...

Yeah, no, I have. I've sawn three pieces of wood for a fence.

Hammond's ploughed four furrows for growing things in.

You have only subtracted from this community.

You've taken away the vegetables.

You've taken away the electricity.

You've taken away the lighting.

You've taken away the ability to make the new fence posts.

- I have proved... - And you've taken away the food.

But my engine is very powerful. More powerful than in your two.

Yeah, but what's the use of that?

- Speed and power. - It's not speed and power.

Yeah, well it is, look. Look what it did!

Look what it did.

Yours couldn't have delivered that much water that quickly.

Yeah, thankfully, because it wouldn't have done that.

- I think you've slightly missed the point. - Why...

Why do you always have to overdo everything?

You can shut up. - Why?

Because it's supposed to be a test of European pick-up trucks.

It's European.

Well, yes, apart from the fact

that it was designed in Australia and it's built in South Africa.

What about the engine?

- That's made in Turkey. - That's European.

Well, a bit of it is.

Let's not get bogged down with where Turkey is.

What we've done is proved that all three of them

work well when there is peace

in the village in the developing world.

What we must do now is find out how well they work

when the peace comes to an end and there's a revolution.

When the revolution is over,

it's important that all traces of the vile, hated dictator are eradicated.

And that's why I'm attaching my Mercedes

to this giant statue of Kim Jong Clarkson,

to see if I can pull it over.

Right, here are the rules.

I have to do this using the lowest revs possible.

So what I'm gonna do is put it in four-wheel drive low range -

something Jeremy Clarkson can't do -

first gear manual and turn the traction control off.

You know that isn't really a Mercedes, don't you?

It's just a Nissan with "Mercedes" written on it.

It's got a Nissan engine. Yeah.

And that's his problem. Cos it's only a 2.3, four-cylinder diesel.

Right. Taking up the slack.

When you have to use power and torque to do a job...

James is the first man you go for.

Here we go.

Traction control, diff lock, down you come.

Oh, ooh! Oh, hello.

- (THUD) - Yeah! (LAUGHS)

He's gone!

That was just... Oh, right on your... Dunk!

What a feeling.

Oh, bet that... Did that... That was just...

- That is in the face. - Yes.

By the whole Earth. Boof, in the face.

Did you see what happened to your nose?

- Look at it. - Yes.

And now, it's your turn. Because... (CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, May Tse-tung.

Right, it's time for your reign of terror to end.

He may be the most stubborn man in the world,

but he's no match for the engine in this Ford Ranger.

I have, of course, more power in this than in his Nissan -

197 brake to his 188 - and more torque.

This engine is strong. Strong enough to pull a train, literally.

Because they are actually using

the five-cylinder diesel out of this

in the new Vivarail 230 commuter class train.

You know he's got one more cylinder than you?

Yeah, that's cos that engine came from a Turkish bazaar.

"Just for you, my friend, special price.

One extra cylinder, today only."

Minimal revs,

one and half thousand, maybe, upping it a bit.

Ooh, hang on.

Come on, May.

He's failing. He's failing to topple me.

Come on, you can pull an old spaniel off a pillar.

Oh, no. - (THUD)

All right.

He's dragging you. He's taking you for a scrape.

- (JEREMY CHUCKLES) - That's not on, really.

Nice one, Hammond!

The scores so far, then, looked like this.

James had used 2,100 rpm to topple me...

whereas Hammond - despite his bigger engine -

had had to use 3,600 rpm to bring down May.

Now it's time for me to win as I get rid

of the last of the country's hated dictators... Dick Pot.

And there we are.

Oh, now, come on!

Well, you shouldn't have built a life-size one.

- You are a man of modest statue. - Yeah, fine.

It reflects my ego compared to yours.

Well, it's, you know, proportional to the size of the tyranny.

I don't think I'm gonna need low range.

- You haven't got it. - Well, I know, exactly, I don't need it.

Lock the rear diff. There you go.

You'll need that. - Right, here we go. Ready?

- Mm-hm. - Yes.

Taking up the slack.

There might be a really bad jolt, so be careful.

I've won another test!

I've won both of them.

- How have you worked that out? - Well, 600 rpm, OK?

And I did the best in the village.

You destroyed the village!

Listen, let's not get bogged down with that.

We must now move on to what typically happens

in a country after the dictator is gone.

With the government in disarray,

we had to load all our worldly goods

into our pick-up trucks and prepare to run for our lives.

It's no time to be alphabet-i-sising your record collection.

I'm not, I'm just making sure that The Yes Album, my most prized possession, is...

- Yeah, well, get on with it. - We're fleeing!

- OK, flee. I'd leave those.

What?

Everybody else in the world has an iPod.

Look, I don't think you've got...

What have you got a gramophone for?

It was my grandmother's. We're fleeing from rebel forces.

Don't stand here doing a commentary. Get in your truck.

- I'm ready to flee. - Right.

Perfectly straightforward.